Unsolicited Planet Earth Documentary — Hugo the House Cat

RE: Unsolicited Planet Earth Documentary Submission — “Hugo the House Cat: Mo’ Felines, Mo’ Problems”

Dear James,

We want to thank you for sending us your independent documentary, “Hugo the House Cat.” At the BBC, we typically do not accept unsolicited Planet Earth documentaries, given the danger and considerable cost of acquiring the footage. However, due to your persistent emailing effort, as well as your spamming of our Twitter account, we assigned a team of unpaid interns to watch the documentary and provide a critique. We have included their comments below. They have since left the BBC in search of other opportunities.

Length and Editing: Documentary entries are typically edited before submission. We have been forced to move our email servers three times because of the seventy-four hours of footage you sent us. Suggested cuts to the tape include removing all five “catnap sessions” where you provide commentary on Hugo sleeping for twelve hour intervals. The up-close footage of him sleeping looked to annoy him, and was very creepy. You could have also removed the bizarre “hostile interview” scenes, where you pick Hugo off the floor and yell, “who’s the sweetest cat in the world.”

Music: Submissions typically do not include their own soundtrack. While we understand that you thought Wolves by Kanye West provided a certain “wilderness feel” to the documentary, it distracted from the narrative and after it became apparent that the song was on repeat for all seventy-four hours, we were forced to press mute and miss out on your commentary. Also, Wolves is one of the weaker tracks on The Life of Pablo. You could have chosen better.

Commentary: Aside from the fact that it was delivered in an obviously fake British accent, the commentary provided some key insights into the life of an overweight cat that has likely never seen the outdoors. Your filming and description of Hugo in his litter box has caused more than a few sleepless nights for our editorial team. A few pieces that did bother us: Hugo’s mouse toy is not “defenseless prey.” It is an inanimate object. Same goes for the glitter ball. And the kibbles. When Hugo sleeps for a few minutes under the couch, we’re not sure we would describe that as “hibernation for the winter,” more “sleeping under the couch for a few minutes.”

Interaction with the Subject: At the BBC we take very seriously the idea that all Planet Earth footage should be recorded without human interference. In your future independent nature documentaries (and we can’t stress enough, we unabashedly request you never send us a film again), we would hope that you would spend less time interacting with the subject. Calling the cat “Hugie Bear” or tell him he is “the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen” removes all notions of impartiality, and injects serious doubt into whether some of “Hugie Bear’s” actions were staged by the producers.

Protection: Aloe works well on wounds from cat scratches. It’s available at most local drug stores. The scratch on your eye may require immediate medical attention and would explain some of the lop-sided footage.

Production Value: One of the great trends in modern filmmaking is the emphasis on using low cost equipment to produce documentaries. While we appreciate your effort to contribute to this trend, if you choose to use your iPhone for the film you should not simultaneously use it to field phone calls from your mother and what we presume to be your ex-girlfriend. It distracts from the narrative and injects sexual tension for all involved parties.

We again would reiterate we appreciate your submission of the documentary “Hugo the House Cat: “Mo Felines, Mo Problems.” We also want to reiterate that harassing our employees as they enter the office regarding your submission is unacceptable and will result in filing a third report with the police. Although Hugo probably has the potential for a starring role in a future film, we would hope you would pass the task to a more skilled documentarian. Good luck with your future endeavors.

Sincerely,
The BBC

P.S. We would note that we have blocked the following Twitter handles: RangerJames, RangerJames2, JamesRanger, JamesRanger2, and HugoCatNotRangerJames, HugoCatNotRangerJames2. EDIT: Since the original typing of this email we have also blocked HugoCatNotRangerJames3 as well. We’ve been in contact with Twitter about having your IP address banned from creating new usernames.