U.S. Presidents Ranked on How Much I’d Want to Bang Them
43. Lyndon B. Johnson
LBJ is a gross, fragile man. He liked to compare his dick size to the other guys around him, and basically started the shitshow that was the Vietnam War as a dick size championship — which he ended up losing. Anyone who goes to war over his penis must be trying to compensate for something.
42. Chester A. Arthur
When the mutton chops connect to the mustache we’re gonna have a problem. Nobody wanted you to be president, anyways.
41. Martin Van Buren
That crazy hair and impressive mutton chops makes Van Buren look like the cool crazy grandpa you’d always want to hear stories from as a kid, but he’s not really someone I’d like to bed.
40. James Buchanan
He wanted to secede from the Union, and I would like to secede from his face.
39. John Adams
What turns me off from John Adams even more than Adams himself is the fact that when I think of him, I automatically think of Paul Giamatti as John Adams and I’m pretty sure few people would want to tap that. Our second president also has one of the most fragile egos in presidential history (which is definitely going to be contested these next four years) that he made it illegal for people to make fun of him — he probably cried during sex. Props to Abigail Adams, for loving him always when nobody else would.
38. William Howard Taft
He was a good guy, but that mustache is reaching some very dangerous territory.
37. Dwight D. Eisenhower
Ike was a nice guy and everything, but it just makes me so uncomfortable to think of the possibility of doing him.
36. William McKinley
Is he a president, or inspiration for Dracula? Who knows but I would trust a guy with that look in his eyes with my body or the country.
35. Grover Cleveland
I got nothing to really say about Grover just that he kinda looks like my grandpa and that’s weird. He’s got two president slots but we’re only gonna mention him once on the list.
34. John Tyler
Tyler’s that rich guy who wouldn’t bother talking to you because he’s too rich but that’s okay — he didn’t do anything during his presidency that makes him even remotely memorable.
33. Andrew Johnson
Johnson’s like that disappointed dad that wanted to play football vicariously through you.
32. William Henry Harrison
Even though his campaign persona as Tippy Canoe was that of the cool war hero guy who you’d like to drink cider with, he made the longest inauguration speech in the history of presidential inauguration speeches. This basically means that he was that guy who called himself a chill coffee drinker on his Tinder profile but then forces you to read his shitty manuscript on your first date. He died a month into his presidency too, so it shows he’s not that loyal.
31. Richard Nixon
No wonder he lost to Kennedy first time around. Look at this untrustworthy jellybean-shaped head.
30. Calvin Coolidge
Not that cool and not that hot, sorry bro.
29. Gerald Ford
The lack of eyebrows is a little intimidating.
28. James Madison
I don’t know much about him, but I feel like in his college years he used to mansplain a lot. Obviously didn’t want women to vote. So did all of our Founding Fathers, but I’m holding this guy most accountable.
27. James Monroe
Why does he have such a long neck but such a small head?
26. Herbert Hoover
The used car salesmen of presidents. That look says, “I’m going to sell you a dam and not much more.” BUT he was a fresh lookin cowboy in his younger days.
25. Benjamin Harrison
Good to see that Ben over here survived the presidentcy longer than his grandad, and that he ranked higher on this list — which will go down in history as a very important and well-researched document. The human iceberg can ignore me with his cold, hard stare all day.
24. Thomas Jefferson
The man who wrote the Declaration of Independence must have some nimble fingers to work the pen the way he did to create the most important document of American history, so enticing that Nicolas Cage comes back for it again and again. Just the slave owning thing is kind of a turn off, sorry Jeffs.
23. John Quincy Adams
Damn son, look at those mutton chops. While his presidential self ain’t that much of a looker, his younger self is another story and I’d like to jump on that slavery-hating dick in a heartbeat.
22. Zachary Taylor
That one older guy in a rom-com who ends up with a young blonde woman.
21. Andrew Jackson
That crazy hair and brooding edgelord demeanor says a freak in the bed, but then you remember that the Trail of Tears was all on him and you’re like, “Oh…”
20. James K. Polk
Ugh just look at that mullet. Fuck me already.
19. Warren G. Harding
It may not look like it, but apparently Harding got downright nasty in his love letters. Good to know that our country was in the hands of someone who knew how to write that good shit.
18. Franklin Pierce
And here we have a Civil-War era edgelord.
17. Rutherford B. Hayes
Ol’ Ruther’s got that hipster beard look that’d like IPAs a whole lot.
16. James A. Garfield
A sexier of our hipster beard presidents coming right up.
15. George Washington
Who doesn’t like our first ever president? Not only was he a great leader who was liked by pretty much everyone, but he was also pretty humble in the fact that it took a lot of convincing for him to even become our nation’s first Commander-In-Chief. A lot more promising than all those other Founding Father fuckboys. Only downside, the fake teeth were a little gross but we can compromise.
14. Harry S. Truman
He’s just a cute little guy with some sweet glasses and a nice smile.
13. Ulysses S. Grant
A beloved hero with a soft side, he’d definitely be that friend to call at 3am when you’re feeling down.
12. George H.W. Bush
The least talked about Bush president was quite the looker when he was younger.
11. Theodore Roosevelt
As cute and cuddly as the teddy bears named after him, Teddy Roosevelt probably knew how to show you a good time. He’d probably come in on a horse and pick you up only to ride off into a sunset. Then he’d find a bear and wrestle with it just to show you who’s the man. This definitely happened.
10. Franklin D. Roosevelt
I’m not the only one who wanted to get with one of our nation’s finest leaders — he had a lot of mistresses who wanted some of his New Deal. It’s fine if he’s not loyal, I’d like some of Eleanor too if we’re gonna be honest.
9. Jimmy Carter
He’s just such a sweet honest country boy with his peanut farm.
8. Millard Filmore
Who knew that Alec Baldwin was president twice? Apparently his younger self’s attractiveness was noteworthy that everyone talks about it.
7. Woodrow Wilson
He’s cute in an awkward nerd way — he looks like a nice guy. He tried to pull through and veto Prohibition but it didn’t work out so you know that he wasn’t a total wet rag.
6. Bill Clinton
While Bill had a little bit of a scandalous past, I can’t resist a guy that plays the saxophone — especially while wearing sunglasses indoors.
5. George W. Bush
He may have been a terrible president, but like his dad he was also pretty cute back in the day. Now that he’s not making stupid decisions for our country, he adopts many dogs and paints things and you can’t argue that’s pretty adorable.
4. Ronald Reagan
Even I have to admit that Satan himself was quite a looker. You may have screwed up the economy and done nothing in the face of a bunch of gay people dying, but you did have a face for the camera. No wonder America couldn’t see through to the darkness inside your soul.
3. Abraham Lincoln
Honest BABE, amirite?
2. Barack Obama
These past eight years have not been the best on the wrinkles and hair, but Obama has pulled through and is now the silver fox we all knew he’d become. I’m gonna miss that smile and those dad jokes.
- John F. Kennedy
“He’s old enough to know, young enough to do” ME.
