Vital Signs: Scientists ID Dangerous New Kleptocracy Outbreak
Dr. Rob Hood, CDC notes: “Perhaps the greatest public health threat ever.”
While much of the nation was distracted with news of the Flynn guilty plea, the Royal Wedding, and several lethally-cute viral cat videos, the CDC is alarmed at what looks to be a calamitous new public health threat christened Kleptocracy.
“We’re tracking a particularly virulent new strain of Kleptocracy,” says Public Health Specialist Dr. Rob Hood, from his office in Sherwood Forest, Georgia.
“One of the strangest aspects of this new strain of Kleptocracy is that it does not seem in any way to adversely affect its host. It doesn’t trickle-down from them,” Dr. Hood says, “it’s almost as if it does not debilitate them at all. Even as we speak, a wealth of individuals flying around in their tax-deductible private jets could be suffering from Severe Kleptocracy and not even care.”
The good news is that data suggests less than 1% of the present population may suffer from Kleptocracy.
The bad news is that at present there is no known cure for the other 99%.
Is it time to be alarmed?
“We’re in the early stages of tracking it, but we believe that we may have isolated the culprit, a Kleptocracy Chromosome. It may be that it’s hereditary, we’re just not entirely sure,” says Dr. Hood.
Fortunately, there are some very very rich sources of Epidemiologic Data.
Of course there have been other such historical outbreaks in the past, notably in Ancient Egypt, Ancient Rome, and 18th-century France but this present strain may be one of the most lethal in all history, according to the eminent Dr. Hood.
“The syndrome was formerly known as ‘The Crassus Condition’ and has historically often been fatal to the host but what we’re seeing in America now is an outbreak of Kleptocracy on an unprecedented scale,” says Dr. Hood.
What’s particularly mystifying about this newly emergent strain of Kleptocracy is that even though 99% of the population may have some sort of class immunity to Kleptocracy, at least 51 GOP Senators in Washington, D.C. have been diagnosed as unwitting and uncaring enablers of The Kleptocracy Condition.
Such close monitoring of clusters of geographical distribution of Kleptocracy may prove vital in the fight for a cure to Kleptocracy.
“We sent them numerous warnings but it seems that none of them actually read,” Dr. Hood opines, “I mean, you wouldn’t believe this, but it’s almost as if you could put 479 pages of direly consequential writing right in front of them, even if the form of a Bill, and they still wouldn’t read it. It’s almost like they want to catch it,” says Dr. Hood.
As they search for a cure, the Epidemiologic Data of this new strain of Kleptocracy is alarming indeed and demands not to be ignored.
“Kleptocracy has a long history. A long and sordid one indeed but there have been some small successes in combating it. It was believed to have been eradicated in 18th-Century France with ‘the Robespierre Method,’ perhaps known better to laymen as ‘The Guillotine Cure,’ but then it re-emerged in late 19th-Century America in the form of ‘The Robber Baron Blight’ but that may have been more Plutocratic in nature, rather than Kleptocratic,” Dr. Hood notes.
Nevertheless, Dr. Hood, is a straight-shooter and seems confident that he and his merry band may be able to hit the bulls-eye in their search for a cure.
“We fervently believe,” Dr. Hood states, “that we may actually have a cure by early November, 2018 but if we can’t stop Kleptocracy by then, it may be that it will not be containable at all. There could be nothing left, Kleptocracy could ravage the entire population. What we really need is the support of the people, all 99% of them.”
Kleptocracy is dangerous. Join the fight for the cure.
Recent studies at Johns Hopkins University indicate that clapping — along with regular doses of high-information voting — may help protect people from Kleptocracy.
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