War on Terry
A children’s story to conceptualize the War on Terror.
Note: Before you begin, bring your child to the window, gesture across the land, and say: “This is our people’s because God gave it to us.”
Twenty-seven years ago, a young boy lived down the street. His name was Terry. Terry and his family had lived in their home for a very, very long time. Much longer than my family lived in ours.
My parents didn’t like how Terry’s parents were parenting. They didn’t really explain too deeply what they didn’t like, just that it didn’t suit them. Our other neighbors, the Shawdees, agreed, but they didn’t have the resources or support to do anything about it.
“We’ll help,” my parents said.
So, my parents and the Shawdees tried to kill Terry’s parents, hoping they could appoint Terry a new set of parents they found more suitable. Some of Terry’s siblings died in the process, and it was largely unsuccessful, but hey, sometimes murdering is messy.
Note: Now, ask your child what murdering is. If they say, “Messy,” they’re paying attention. If they don’t know, start back at the window and showcase their Manifest Destiny.
Terry was heartbroken and angry. He had just witnessed his own siblings’ murders and the attempted murders of his parents.
I mean, I personally didn’t know what Terry was so angry about. We were trying to give him better parents. A few of his siblings were killed, sure, but you have to break a few eggs to make an omelet, Terry. The rest of you were almost better off because of it, Terry.
We knew what was best for Terry. If anything, he should have been grateful.
A couple years later, someone who looked a lot like Terry smashed our mailbox. Then, someone else who looked like Terry drove a car through our garage, killing a few of my siblings. We were all understandably angry.
Note: Let your child know that Terry and those who look like him have dark skin. Show them an ISIS snuff film, and then show them Mel Gibson’s “The Passion of the Christ.” Show them an Al-Qaeda snuff film, and then show them the 1954 Bing Crosby classic “White Christmas.” When done, continue:
About fifteen years ago, the unthinkable happened: a bomb went off in my house. A big portion of the structure was destroyed and a number of my siblings died.
My living siblings, our parents, and I were heartbroken and angry. Whomever blew up the house was clearly angry and violent for no other reason other than the fact that they were born evil and believed evil things based on an evil ideology, a recipe for disaster.
I wanted revenge, my siblings wanted revenge, and my parents wanted revenge. In fact, my brothers Toby and Alan wrote songs that perfectly summed up why we were angry. They were awful songs, almost like they didn’t try, but the lyrics got us juiced up.
It had been ten years since we murdered some of Terry’s siblings and tried to kill his parents, so we were pretty sure he had nothing to do with it, but his neighbor, Stan, looked a lot like him, and since we know Terry and people who look like him are born evil and believe in an evil ideology, there’s a good chance Stan was behind the attack on our home.
Note: This is a good opportunity for a vocab lesson. “Ideology” is what we call any belief system that is not Christian.
We headed to Kabul-evard and pounded on Stan’s door, demanding answers. He wouldn’t open up. We took that as an admission of guilt, broke the door down, and killed a lot of people inside. We declared a war on Stan’s household.
As luck would have it, Stan had a lot of valuables. We were owed a lot more than that, but blood and gold was a good start. The war on Stan’s household was to be long and horrifying, but also money-making and satisfying.
It was around then that my friend George J. Tenet explained to me that Terry and his family had “the bomb.” It was a bomb that could destroy my home in a split second, and it was in his house. We then knew that, even if Terry didn’t actually bomb our house, he was somehow involved.
Or, worse, he could use “the bomb” this time instead of a bomb. That could not happen.
We called up his new parents and asked if it were true, if they had “the bomb.” They said no, and they asked Terry’s thirty-three million brothers and sisters if they knew anything about “the bomb.” They claimed they did not. They gave us a tour of the house. There didn’t seem to be anything like “the bomb.”
We figured they must have been hiding it, so my friends and family declared a war on Terry’s household.
We left a good amount of our brothers and sisters in Stan’s house to keep things under control, and then broke in and killed a good number of Terry’s siblings. They all looked exactly like Terry, which made it decidedly easier on my parents. However, my siblings and I were struggling more and more as we coped with the amount of blood on our hands.
Thankfully, our parents, sitting at home, assured us that we were doing the right thing.
Note: Remind your child that mommy and daddy are always right, and that the government is everyone’s mommy and daddy.
We searched Terry’s house, murdering along the way, and could not find “the bomb.” Thankfully, we did again find a bunch of valuable things, so it wasn’t a complete loss. We even managed to kill Terry’s parents.
The war on both Terry’s household and the war on Stan’s household was summed up to the far easier to remember “War on Terry.” Aren’t both houses basically the same place anyway?
The War on Terry raged on for years and years. (Somewhere along the way, we found out that people in Shawdee’s household were responsible for the initial explosion all along, but they paid us off, so it was all good.)
Today, we’re still trying to kill Terry and people on his side, but there have been a lot of people in both households who don’t side with Terry. If we left, the Terrys could take over, and that would put us in a pretty vulnerable position for another attack, according to my parents.
They’re positive we’ll kill Terry and all his supporters, so my siblings and I are all positive too. Despite trying and failing for fifteen years, we’re going to win the War on Terry.
Besides, if we gave up on killing Terry now, we wasted a hell of a lot of time and killed a lot of people both innocent and guilty in the process.
If we quit, the Terrys win. Right?
There is legitimately a children’s coloring book about terrorism being a result of the Islamic faith. It is not.
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