WELCOME TO THE ENIGMATIC PARCEL EXPERIENCE
(Formerly, Thaibride.net)
Dear sir,
It is my great honor to grant you membership to The Enigmatic Parcel Experience!
I trust that your (rolled-over from Thaibride.net) membership means that you are interesting in aiding us in forming a community of like-minded individuals from around the globe who have long thought that life was too humdrum and sought out something…enigmatic. With free shipping and handling. And maybe that ‘something’ wants to settle down.
Browse our starter packages below and trust me when I say that the tedious work-a-day slog you call a life is about to change.
Yours in mystery,
The Faceless Postman.
Package One: THE CRATE
In the dead of night you will be visited by an obsidian wagon drawn by black stallions. On that cursed night a hooded figure will deposit on your door-step a wooden crate festooned with cryptic writing in a dead language that cannot be translated by any living linguist. Inside, amidst foul-smelling straw and strips of newspaper you will discover a skeletal boy dressed only in a loincloth; jaundiced, meager, ragged, with eyes full of threat and menace. His name is Ezekiel. DO NOT REMOVE EZEKIEL FROM THE CRATE. Also in the crate will be Lin, an attractive Thai woman who, over the course of the next few weeks, will seduce you. Her shy and quiet ways, furtive glances and flawless copper colored skin are guaranteed to enrapture. She also likes fondue. Over the coming weeks, you will stumble upon evidence of Lin being Ezekiel’s ‘crate-wife’. You will ignore it. Surely you must be mistaken. Or is this part of the conundrum that is Lin?
Package two: BAAL UNBOUND
Delivered on the eve of the Sacred Convergence of Baal this earthenware pot is etched with mystic runes of containment for sealed inside it is a supernatural presence that is as evil as it is ancient: The daemon Baal.
Three days and three nights shall pass and, on the stroke of midnight on the third night, Sister Malevolence will visit you.
During an arcane ritual involving the jar, a stone altar and the taking of psychotropic drugs Sister Malevolence will reveal to you her true identity: Her name is Hui-wen and beneath her cloak she is quite fetching. Soon, your whirlwind courtship will include handholding, the sharing of ice-cream sundaes, teaching Hui-Wen limited English and sponsoring her for US Citizenship. During this period Hui-Wen will introduce you to her ‘Uncle’ Yan-Ting (How is the muscular and handsome Yan Ting her ‘uncle’ given that they are the same age? We cannot say. It is an enigma inside a riddle!) You will also sponsor Yan-Ting for citizenship as well. Why? For the sake of mystery!
Package Three: THE INSANITY DIARY
We cannot tell you when this Tome of Dread will arrive at your domicile — because it is already there. Go look! Behind your toaster! We will wait while you go and retrieve it. DO NOT READ THE INSANITY DIARY. It is a cursed object. Over the past three-hundred years every person who has dared to read even the first line of the diary has gone mad — driven to murder or suicide — -sometimes both. You are curious, aren’t you? Surely, if you read just one line…. but wait, is that a knock at your door? Go and answer, for it is your destiny that knocks at so late an hour. Meet Destiny. Destiny is a 19-year old former bar maid from the province of Ang Thong and the Keeper of the Insanity Diary. She is also the only person to survive reading its pages. But do not ask her to reveal it’s forbidden contents, for Destiny is mute and communicates through a combination of hand gestures, grunts and smoke rings that emanate from the ever-present Marlboro Ultra light 100 dangling from her lips. Destiny considers herself a cat-person and her favorite restaurant is Burger King. Could Destiny be connected to the origin of the Insanity Diary? Be sure she never runs out of Marlboro Ultra Light 100’s and you may find out!
Packages start at 10,000$ (US).
