What you learn when you procrastinate
I teach Kindergarten. First year. Not my first year teaching, but my first year being back as a full time teacher. Now that we have all that nonsense out of the way. I’ve been on break. 2 1/2 weeks of break. Yes, I partially went insane. I like to be busy and filling all of those days with something to do was taxing. What I didn’t chose to do was plan for when I go back or read the various books that I got to help me with classroom management.
My class is not easy. I compare it to herding badgers. I love them, but they have needs. Lots of needs. Which makes me want to clone myself from time to time. Because they are not easy to manage, I should have been reading the books. Finding solutions. Getting prepared. But I didn’t. Until today.
I picked up Transforming the Difficult Child by Howard Glasser and Jennifer Easley. I have read parts of this book, but it was months ago. I started reading a chapter about emotions. I have often wondered if my littles can sense my own emotions and if so, was it causing havoc with theirs?
When school started in August, I was doing my best to move on from my anger at being kicked out of my ex-boyfriend’s house in June. I knew that the relationship wasn’t working, but the timing was really bad for me. Plus, I often thought that once things settled down, I could then concentrate on seeing if this was really what I wanted. I was pretty angry that it all got decided for me. So I came into the year on a less than sturdy emotional level. I knew that I needed to get things together, so found a therapist and was doing the best that I could do to be ready.
At the end of September, I started seeing someone. It was fast and intense and I was incredibly happy. I remember one day very clearly. Jose looked up at me and said, “You are so smiley today.” I said, “That’s because I’m so happy.” And I was. My id badge is perfect proof. I don’t think I’ve taken that great of a picture in years.
3 1/2 weeks later, he stopped talking to me. I remember staring. All day. I stared. I couldn’t do anything else. The next day, I went back to work. Did they notice that now I was sad? I’m sure that they did. I’m not good at hiding these kinds of things. Days passed where I tried to get him to talk to me. I can still feel the enormous relief from when he did.
Then began the dance. I would entice him enough to spend time with me, only to have long periods of silence follow. This was a period of high anxiety. Would I say the right thing? How long would I wait for a response? How long would he silence me out after I saw him? I feel bad that I did this to myself. I really need to apologize to myself and mean it. And you know what an apology really means. It means never doing it again.
So as I’m reading this book, it mentions that children have difficulty in handling strong emotions. At any time in the last few months, have they picked up on mine? I do seem to have several who have become more clingy in the last couple of months. Is my anxiety making them anxious? Or on a deeper level, are they chasing after me for attention as I chase after him for the same? Am I somehow creating the same situation, a somewhat vicious cycle where no one is getting the attention they need?
To any moms out there who may be reading this and fretting, please do not. I care very much about my class. I’m not being neglectful to them in any way. Think of it like this. Many people with kids have less than perfect relationships. Even if you put up a brave front for the kids, do they feel that something is wrong? That’s all I’m saying here. And I wonder, can changing my behavior by turning towards positive attention help them to do the same?
“Liana doesn’t want to be my friend anymore.” Usually this statement is told to me through tears. And I have to suck in my own tears every time I hear a student say this to me. Because I know. I know how it feels. I also take it very hard when someone I like decides that they no longer like me. I get overly attached to certain people and it is extremely difficult to let go. Even when I’m being pushed away. I’m not sure why I’m like this. I wish I wasn’t. So what did I tell Jhanae when she told me her sad news? I said, go play with Devon, she’s very nice. Next thing I know, the two girls run past me, smiling, happily playing together. Seems like I should learn to follow my own advice :)
