Wikileaks: Bernie Sanders Really A Sock Filled With The Hopes And Dreams Of The Occupy Movement
WASHINGTON — The firmament of the American political scene was shaken today by the release of new DNC emails detailing how Senator Bernie Sanders is really a sock animated not by flesh and blood, but by the intangible hopes and dreams of the Occupy movement.
The newly released emails, published by Wikileaks and allegedly obtained in the hacking of the DNC server earlier this year, discuss how despite Sanders’s being nothing more than an otherwise empty size 11 gold toe knee high dress sock, he has been propelled to the upper echelons of political life by a tailwind of millennial left wing fantasies. Operatives at the DNC were baffled by the inexplicable power of internet memes and t-shirts to change an otherwise run of the mill stocking into a genuine rival for the highest office in the land.
“I just don’t get it,” wrote former DNC chair Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, “his face isn’t even drawn on well, and the hole worn over the big toe is being mistaken for a mouth. Why is this happening now?”
When asked for comment, political scientist Dr. Joshua Morgenstern of Columbia affirmed that it is believed that the primordial ooze from which politics began was in fact the invention of the stocking. “Stockings have been central to driving discourse from the dawn of man. From the Sans-Culottes of the French Revolution to the political sock puppets of modern America, hosiery has played an every changing role in government, and will continue to for the foreseeable future.”
When asked if this phenomenon would spread to other sectors of contemporary governance, Dr. Morgenstern said that the idea of a politician’s status as an animated clothing item was no surprise to those in his field. “Colleagues of mine at Cambridge have posited that [leading Brexit campaigner] Boris Johnson is actually just an old school uniform left in storage without washing, and that Donald Trump is a broken condom.”
