Would You Swipe Right…Democracy & Freedom Be Damned…If the White House Was Run Like Tinder

Written By Marcie Smolin

Graphics by Dave Polcino
Dave Corwin Polcino
Http://www.noiseandvision.com
info@davecorwin.com

I am a hopeless romantic. I still like to believe in eyes locking across a crowded room, and happy endings. I believe in the heart squeezes one gets from a wicked twinkle of an eye, in soft kisses that make me melt and being made weak in the knees by the smell of someone’s freshly showered neck. I believe in laughter in the dark, too many stories to tell, and the promise of the night. Yes I have seen too many old movies…go ahead you can tell me. I know it to be true. That being said…we live in a different time…and internet dating seems to be the way that most people are meeting these days.

If meeting on the internet is the norm, then perhaps that algorithm should branch out to other areas. There was a certain Tuesday in November where everything we thought to be true…was wiped away… and as a nation we sat in a state of stunned disbelief. Then, as we kept hoping somehow there would be some sort of redemption…as staffing started…it just kept getting worse and worse…so essentially what we thought to be true…to be the norm…no longer was….what if…much like romance…the presidential elections…and subsequent staff appointments were set up like Tinder. It poses the Question:

WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT ON THESE GUYS???

Hey Ladies I’m Mikey the Mikester Pence

I don’t want to brag but I signed one of the Most Restrictive Abortion Laws In the Country!

I hate the Gays! I totally signed a bill that Made it A-OK for Indian Businesses to discriminate Against LGBT Customers!

Do you like Syrians in Indiana? Well I don’t! I totes blocked the resettlement of Syrian refugees in Indiana — and even though I knew it wasn’t really legal I attempted to cut off federal aid to existing refugees. Yeah I am so badass!!! Look at me!

And hey if you like recreational drugs and you let me know…I will make sure you get a really huge mandatory prison sentence!

So hit me up…let’s get coffee, walk on the beach, & if things work out…repeal Roe V. Wade!

Bitches, are you worried about Global Warming? Don’t you be a silly little goose. You girls just Blah blah blah about Global warming at your little parties. You Know what I have been quoted as saying..

“As human beings…as a species we’re still here. We will adapt to this. It’s just an engineering problem. The fear factor that people want to throw out there…I do not accept.”

So shut your little pie holes and meet me at Starbucks for a Mocha Frap Extra Whip…and bring an umbrella because this weather we’re having lately…totally weird…right?

Also, mind if I bring my buddy Vladimir? He’s kinda my wingman!

Hey let’s meet and go out for a burger! I don’t wanna brag but I own the joint! I own the whole chain and the parent company…so we won’t have to pay…even if we keep them there all night…because I don’t pay overtime…plus they can spend their time cleaning in the back with scalding hot water and unsafe chemicals…will I get fined…maybe…I have been before…but screw it, right? I’m a rebel!

Do you work hard? Get paid Minimum wage? Well, guess what, you’re still going to because I plan on standing in the way of the minimum wage increase. Do you like how forceful I am? Does that make you hot?

Come on over and dress like a Carls Junior employee and I will treat you like the help because I am totally better than you. That’s right you sexy thang. Now clean the floors!

Hey ladies I don’t want to brag but I am about to become head of an agency I once sought to eliminate…I am indecisive that way..and kind of a liar…But I am a little handsome and was kind of hot when I was younger!

I lost on Dancing with The Stars but I sold my soul…and appeared on it…

So Yeah I am kind of a whore!

I like long walks on the beach…and indecisiveness…and lying when it suits my needs.

Hit me up!

Hey my honeys…I’m a doctor. A Neurosugeon! That’s hot..right?

Just putting it out there. That being said, I am going to be in charge of HUD because you know…I grew up in the inner city. That’s right, even though I hate Muslims….I am URBAN…as long as they’re not Muslims…You know because I’m Urban, F**kers…as long as they’re not Muslim!

So let’s meet up for Middle Eastern Food. My god, I love Middle Eastern Food! Wait, what?

Hey bitches I could write all about me but instead…I thought I would just include some of my notable quotes. You know because I have been on the news and stuff. Try not to get too wet…are you ready…here are some of my nuggets:

‘It’s quite fun to shoot them, you know. It’s a hell of a hoot. It’s fun to shoot some people.’

‘There are some assholes in the world that just need to be shot.’

‘I come in peace. I didn’t bring artillery. But I’m pleading with you, with tears in my eyes: If you fuck with me, I’ll kill you all.’

‘Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everybody you meet.’

Are you wet yet? Text me & I’ll shoot you my digits

Hey I’m a millionairre. Just putting that out there for the ladies. Yeah made millions. It is what I do. I’m about to become Secretary of the Treasury because I like the cash, Cash Money! I bathe in it. I roll around in it. I sleep under it. Because it’s my money. Oh I won’t share it. But What I will do is bring you some of that chocolate Chanukah Gelt wrapped in gold paper.

Because Daddy will tempt you with cash…not real cash…that is mine to keep.

Hey hot mammas, I don’t want to brag but my nickname in the biz is “The King of Bankruptcy.” Oh yeah…do you like that?

I would like to say I will make you feel safe…but you know that’s not my strong suit as 12 minors suffocated in Sago Mine…which my corporation owned…and yeah I was aware of the safety issues …there…but OMG it is expensive to fix that stuff…

Just keeping it real ladies…does my honesty get you going…well, make that belated honesty…okay I am still lying about stuff.

Hey Chica’s. I’m Tom. I’m a Doctor and a Politician…not like that Ben Carson guy. I really, really know what i’m doing…I mean I have a whole plan to replace that stupid Obamacare in which people will get a subsidy when they can’t afford the insurance…which is totes different from Obamacare. Right? Right? Wait, what?

On the weekend I like to hang out with my buddies from the AAPS just going about Spreading false rumors about Hillary Clinton’s health & trying to discredit the theory that HIV causes Aids…You know, guy stuff…as boys will do when they hang out.

So come to my place and hang out…I will give you a bone density test…NO Chicks with preexisting conditions…because that is just not my thang. No Acid Reflux GERD Ho’s for this boy!

Hey if you think think the NAACP and the ACLU are UnAmerican say Hey Hey…we can def hang!

I don’t care what People think of me…I’m a Rebel…one time in 1982 I used the “N” word at the conclusion of a court hearing…but that was totally OK because he was an “n” Hey that was 1981…I don’t do that anymore…in Public

What we do in the privacy of our own home is our own business…right girls? You can come over…we’ll have cookies and then maybe play dress-up.

I have these old Halloween costumes…white robes with big pointy hoods on them…you know some0ne left them here…yeah they’re not mine…we can pretend we’re ghosts…boo…I’m scary…intrigued?

You Say RNC I Say RNC…Hey..Ho. Not calling you a whore of course…unless you want me to…Do you…Cause I would!

I enjoy being up Trump’s ass…not literally because ass stuff is gross…

But if you want a man who will boldface defend anything Trump says…anything…even if it possibly makes me die a little inside…ok a lot..well then I’m your man!

Let’s meet for Shame Coladas with some Sold My Soul Chasers!

Hey I’m Steve. I enjoy white supremacy; oppose immigration, feminism and multiculturalism; and delight in harassing Jews, Muslims and other vulnerable groups by spewing shocking insults on social media.

You could come hang out in my hot tub, have a cold one, and you know…harrass the Jews. Unless you’re a Jewish Girl…I won’t harrass you until after I do you. After that, all bets are off. Oh I would do you. We all know Jews are good in the sack.

I will deny ever doing you…but I will enjoy it while we are…you know…even though you’re a jewess.

EPA ShmEPA…Ok look I changed my mind in kind of a big way. What does that show you ladies…I’m moldable. You tell me what you like…and I’ll do it…you know unless it goes against my politics…which are kind of flippy-floppy.

What does that tell you ladies? I’m a People Pleaser…in a kind of icky way.

Oh hey…just putting it out there….I’m Married…and kind of an asshole…plus, my wife’s gonna be in New York most of the time, so no drama, you know.

If you smiled, don’t forget to follow Marcie Smolin so you don’t miss the next adventure.

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