You Seemed A Lot Cuter on Your LinkedIn Profile…

You know, I’m beginning to think online dating just isn’t for me.

I’m a late 20-something, I’m single, I think I’m cute enough. Finding a man is hard though. When I became single again after many years of relationshipping, my friends all told me I had to try online dating. Crowded bars are gross and the meet-cute isn’t realistic, so I figured I’d try it.

A lot of my friends have met through OK Cupid. A lot more of my friends have hooked up through Tinder. I had a different idea: LinkedIn!

So, armed with a glass of wine (okay, two glasses!) and a new lease on my dating life, I sat down on my couch and began to create a profile for myself. I knew my boring day job as a college bursar wouldn’t really convey my edgy side, so I decided to use my “fantasy” job, instead. I mean hey, everyone fibs on the internet, right? So I set up my profile saying I was the hiring manager of a small (yet totally cool!!!) record label in the city. I was hoping I could maybe catch the attention of a tattoo artist or a motorcycle salesman. I kind of have a thing for the bad boys! ;)

Almost right away, I was bombarded with invite requests! I have to admit, some of them were major duds, but my friends told me this would happen.

Let’s see, first, I received an invite to “link” (I love this hip lingo!) from my college advisor. I thought he was happily married? He’s also got to be in his 70s now, blech. Swipe left! Then I saw about a handful from guys I knew in high school. Take a look at me now, fellas! I do have to say, I was kind of freaked out when I saw my Uncle Rodney on the site. Definitely can’t tell Aunt Sheila… yikes! Over the following days, I checked my email to see almost a dozen new invites. When it rains, it pours, I guess!

Brimming with excitement for all my potential suitors, I decided it was time to really connect with someone. After my lunch break on Tuesday, I sent a message to *Rick, a 34-year-old Account Manager at a tech company here in town. He didn’t have a lot about his interests listed on his page. No pictures of family or friends, no favorite bands listed, nothing! But wow, he must really love his job! He went on and on about it in his profile. Though, I don’t know why he focused so much on talking about his previous jobs too, but it’s better than talking about your exes, I guess!

The mystery over his personal life really drew me to him, so I sent him a message. I told him I’d love to get coffee and talk about tech stuff. OMG, you wouldn’t believe it! He messaged me back, like, an hour later! AND he said yes!!!! I was so excited, I almost jumped up and down in my cubicle! He said he was free on Thursday (two days later?! Whoa, slow down, Mister!). He seemed so charming in his response too! I read it to my coworker Diane, and she agreed!

She pointed out that 8:30am was a weird time for a date, but I told her that when it comes to love, sometimes you just can’t wait.

To say I was obsessing over what to wear would be the understatement of the century. My girl friend, Rebecca, even skyped me from Arizona to help me decide! After careful deliberation and going back and forth, we settled on the perfect outfit! I’m not very good with hair and makeup, and since the date was at 8:30am, I really wouldn’t have time to do much anyway. But Rick seemed so down to Earth, I knew he wouldn’t care. Besides, I have a personality to dazzle him with! So the night before, I laid my outfit on the chair next to my bed — a pink, lacy tank top and flirty little skirt that shows just enough leg to get him interested but not enough to make me look slutty.

Thursday morning arrives! I wake up at 6am, take a shower, brush my teeth, and eat a light breakfast. I wanted to have something in my stomach so I wouldn’t pig out in front of him. How unlady like! Before I run out of the house, I remembered to grab the rose I bought the night before. I told him in my last message, “I’ll be the one with the red rose…” Romantic, right?! I saw it in a movie once.

I get to the cafe around 7:45. I know men don’t like to wait, so I wanted to get there early. Plus, this would give me time to bounce conversation ideas off of the waiter. At 8:20, I see him walk in. “Ooh, he’s early,” I thought, “must be eager to meet me!” I shoot up like a rocket, and wave him over. It may have been a while since my first date with a man, but he was such a gentleman! He reached out to shake my hand. In my experience, a lot of men just go right in for a kiss on the cheek or something.

We sat down and he ordered a coffee and a scone. OOH! This is when I noticed just how well he was dressed. My ex thought wearing cargo shorts to a nice seafood restaurant was okay, but not Rick. No, Rick was wearing a collared shirt and khakis. KHAKIS! Right away, he starts talking. I think he must have been practicing his conversation topics too, because he was really prepared.

He told me all about how much responsibility he has at his job, and how it has really challenged him to grow over the past two years. He told me about how he left his last job because he didn’t agree with the CEO’s vision. So brave! Seriously, he got into some really intimate details. He even told me about all of the service work he did in college, helping to tutor high school kids in math. I was swooning so hard. He talked so much, that I just nodded and smiled a lot.

Then, this is where I really fell for him. He started talking about the future. OMG! Seriously?! So soon in the relationship, a man opens up about where he sees himself in 5 years? That’s when I knew this guy was really something else. He started asking me questions about my job. YIKES! I didn’t think he’d care that much about what I did! I was quick on my feet and told him what the hiring process at my fake company was like. He nodded, smiled, and then jotted down notes in on a legal pad that he brought with him. Everything was going so well!

We were having such a great talk, I think we lost track of time. He looked at his watch and said he had to get going to work because he didn’t want his boss to be suspicious. He stood up, so I stood up. He thanked me for coffee (okay, I guess I’m paying? I think he wanted to show me he was a feminist by letting me get the check). I asked him if he was free to meet again for coffee next week. I have never seen a man so excited for a second date! He grinned from ear to ear and accepted right away. YAY!

Then, like a massive collision on a highway, it happened so fast… He went in to kiss me goodbye. I never, and I mean NEVER, kiss on the first date, but he had such a connection, you know? Figuring, “ah, what the hell,” I grab him by the back of his head and lay a real big one right on his mouth!

Rick looked stunned. I know I’m a good kisser, but wow, I actually silenced him! Mr. Chatty was speechless! We locked eyes for what felt like a beautiful eternity, and he said, “I absolutely do not want the opportunity THIS bad!” and stormed out. I’m sorry, what?! I don’t get it! He was so charming on our date and he seemed so eager to meet again. Honestly, men are such a mystery to me.

Bewildered, I went to work at my real job. I logged into my LinkedIn profile, and re-read all of our messages. Everything seemed so good! I felt discouraged, so I deleted my account.

Online dating really isn’t for me. Guess it’s back to speed dating. Wish me luck on my never-ending quest to find true love!

*Name changed to protect privacy. Also, he told me to seriously never contact him again.