Me and my pepper-spray

Prologue

After a discordant event on the way to home late one night, I decided to get something for self-protection. And naturally my first thought was to get a pepper-spray. Ever since I gave that yellow spray can a place in one of the cup holders in my car; I have received interesting comments and at times it would be a conversation starter.

Over protective husband

My colleague saw the pepper-spray in my car once when I dropped him home after work. He took the can, examined it and asked me, “Is it a pepper-spray?”

Me: I guess that’s what the can reads — a pepper-spray.

Him: Whoa! Do you get this in India?

“Of-course yes, I bought it here”, I replied.

He took his phone and called his wife, “Hello, Ammu you know what — Cav has a pepper-spray and he bought it in Chennai…” he looked at me and asked “Chennai right?”

I nodded yes.

“…I guess you should get one too.” He was silent for a minute when his wife said something on the other side. He disconnected his phone and said, “I don’t understand what is wrong with her. I suggested her to get one only for her safety…”

“What did she say?” I asked curiously.

“She said; get one if you need — I am perfectly OK not to have one”

Too butch to carry one

I offered to drop a twink home after a party. “What is this?” he asked.

“What?” I asked as I turned, he had the pepper-spray in his hand. “Pepper-spray” I replied.

“Yes, I know it is a pepper-spray. A pepper-spray! He exclaimed.

I sensed his confusion and switched on to my Queen mode and replied in a loud voice, “You know, I might get molested when I drive back home late…” before I could finish — he said “You do realise you are too butch for that to happen, right?”

Too straight for me

Once again, I was en-route to drop an allegedly straight, macho colleague home. “Dude, you carry a pepper-spray?”

“Yup”

“Dude, you know what, we should all carry something like a cricket bat, stump…you know?…”

“Huh, that’s too straight for me”

Dominate with pepper-spray

A queer friend and I were on an aimless catching-up plus shopping on a Saturday. “So, what car are you planning to buy next?” zhe asked.

“Not decided yet, but I will go for an SUV, something big.”

“Any particular reason?”

“Well, you know, to dominate — to dominate the road…”

“And you will put a pepper-spray can in it too?”

The intrusive neighbour

The flats where I live in has a tricky parallel parking. One car is parked behind the other and my neighbour and I have each other’s spare key. And it is mostly my car that would be parked last as I finish work late. Every morning he moves out my car out to take his vehicle and then parks mine back inside.

One such day I was greeted with redolence when I entered my car. I looked around until I saw a brown patch on the dashboard. It immediately struck me that my neighbour mistook the pepper-spray can for car perfume. We never confronted each other, but I would have loved to see his expression after spraying.

~~~~~

Epilogue

Today, I received a text message from the twink:

Twink — Pepper-spray in the parliament! You aren’t alone.

Me — Queers are the benchmark for the so-called mainstream.

Also, next time when you see a butch looking man, who might be gay, straight or whatever, buy or carry a pepper-spray don’t be puzzled and think twice before you ask anything at all. He may spray it on you.