Urban cis-gay-men and #metoo – India
This isn’t about #metoo. But this is my reflection based on the ongoing #metoo wave as a cis-gay-man. Also I do not want to nudge into a movement that is largely cis-hetero-centric; and I am not complaining about the way it is. As much as I want it to be queer inclusive, I also understand how the system is at large not favourable to anyone who isn’t a cis-hetero-male passing/assumed (including gay men – CHMP).
When I see people asking why men are not talking about their sexual harassment, I wonder if they are being queer inclusive or if they are missing the point of the systemic oppression women (and other marginalised and oppressed demography that is not CHMP). For me, the sexual harassment at workplace also implies how the growth of women in their respective career is stunned or completely destroyed by men and the system that favours us. I hope we also realise that girl children not allowed to travel far to continue their education and career are victims of the same system.
I am going to filter my reflection (an incomplete rambling) here on to just cis-gay men. As we all know, not every space is inclusive; so if you as a cis-gay-man do not feel that this applies to you, feel free to be excluded (or maybe the we is just me). Also this isn’t to normalise the urban gay ‘culture’ that we know or live. But it is to start a conversation. To amplify the voices that we have killed fighting s377. But I hope we all realise that one of the central argument to amend s377 is “consent”?
Until recently “dick pics” as display pictures were common on gay dating apps. We needed a policy to stop using them. Appearance matters a lot in the gay world – “more pic”, “body pic”, “size”, “dick pic” etc are still the norm in chat. Unsolicited dick pics don’t shock us (?). Hearing how cis-straight-men flash and send dick pics to women makes me believe that gay or straight – we obviously use our dicks to think.
Before dating apps (I am excluding men who do not have access to gay dating apps here even today) cruising played an important role in finding sexual partners – it still plays an important role. This also includes feeling up non-consensually. We cringe, respond, touch back, push back. It has been part of the play. And for many men, finding a sexual partner for few minutes is the only time their desire is acknowledged; it might be the only time they spend time with another man who share their desire. *** I am being cautious here. I am not giving content to homophobic cis-straight-men to use this as an evidence on how they are being harassed by gay men. I am talking about a demography that doesn’t exist in your social and legal frame work and how we have been negotiating our way to find people like us. ***
The sexual coercion is also seen as part of the play. In a community that is largely based on looks, giving up consent is common. Sex-to-feel-worthy stories are scary. And not to forget how few people get to dictate the terms on “how” the sexual act is performed. Again, a community that has long fought and associated with HIV; we hardly care about certain sexual practice which we are coerced into. I am unable to give data on these practices; but we all hate the words “minuscule minority”. So I believe it doesn’t mater how prevalent these practices are. But these are common stories. When sexual positions like top and bottom translates into the ‘mainstream’ man and woman role; I wonder how much have we internalised the system and patriarchy.
We all know in the queer context it is cis-gay-men who have considerable about of privilege in the ‘mainstream’ society. We may have to think how power and systemic abuse (including sexual abuse) works among us. A ‘movement’ largely driven by NGO, now being chased by corporates; we have very few independent voices. We know these conversations won’t be part of the NGO funding report, the corporate inclusion or the ‘mainstream’ that suddenly thinks we are part of them because s377 is no more (?). The ‘mainstream’ is now talking about same-sex marriage, the evils of it, the cuteness of it. We have been living with our partners even before the society acknowledged our existence, we are also dealing with intimate partner abuse and exploitation with no place to go and discuss. Maybe we should use this time to talk about our lives in the way we haven’t spoken before.
