Depression As an Addiction
“I Am Awake” writing contest at BUHUB
***Disclaimer: This article discusses sensitive topics that may be distressing to some readers. Reader discretion is advised.***
If you are feeling lost, this message is for you.
If you are feeling the pull to be part of something bigger than yourself– this message is for you.
For most of my life I have been a servant of depression. Something happened to me when I was really young that diminished my inner light. People could still feel and enjoy my energetic vibration, but there was utter darkness and chaos that dwelled inside.
After 38 years of life and many suicide attempts and being on medication, I thought would make it better, I found myself outside in below freezing temperatures huddling in the snow. I was naked and hoping to fall into an endless sleep. Hours passed and sleep did not come for me. No one was coming for me. I had to make a choice. Is this how I would live my life? Swinging between states of apathy and the desire to find eternal slumber. Or did I want something more? Something better. Did happiness exist and could I attain it and make it last?
It was at this point I decided to examine my depression and discern where it came from. Did it come from having a nice home to live in, a job I enjoyed that gave me purpose and meaning? Did it come from my two beautiful children whom I adored? Certainly not.
Did depression come from my intelligence and ability to survive and become successful no matter what life threw at me? No way!
I used to tell folks that I did not have an addictive personality. I could pick up smoking cigarettes and set the habit down again easily. It was the same with other substances.
But depression? What drug could compare. It made songs sound sweeter, food taste better — — “this day may be my last: and today I eat this.” Depression allowed me to value greatly anyone who chose to be in my friend because why would someone so amazing talk to or spend time with a pathetic wretch like me? When I realized that depression was a lens I used to view the world and that I was getting a rich experience from using it, that was when I realized I didn’t need it. I could choose to do and be something different.
I could choose happiness and a practice of gratitude. Depression and happiness are two sides of the same coin. Where are you choosing to focus your attention? This side or the other?
Dr. Joe Dispenza is a scientist looking into the nature of consciousness. In one of his discussions he talks about becoming addicted to our own negative thoughts because we gain a dopamine rush from them. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that feels good and can be triggered by substances, thoughts, and experiences.
Negative thoughts can trigger a dopamine rush that causes us to want to have more of those types of thoughts; to search for those thoughts, to focus on the negative things in our lives and give those things more power. The cycle of negative thoughts is an easy one to trigger as our brains are wired to highlight negative events as a survival mechanism. If something made you sick, you need to remember what it is and when so that you can stay away from it in the future.
However, if we have become, as I was, addicted to the dopamine rush those negative thoughts give us we can find ourselves in long term states of depression. It is my belief that drug resistant depression may be caused by an addiction to maintaining states of depression and the dopamine hits we get from it.
Positive thoughts can also cause a dopamine rush along with exercise, laughing with friends, reading a good book, eating yummy food, etc. These other activities may seem unattainable and like they take substantially more time and effort to achieve than just spiraling out laying in bed and thinking of all the “bad things” we have going on in our lives.
But, thinking more positively and having more joy in your life can be as easy as having negative thoughts. Take a moment to pause right this moment and list 5 things you are grateful for. They can be large or small.
In this moment I am grateful for:
- Clean water to drink
- A pen with which to write
- My dog
- The sound of the birds outside my window
- The ability to choose where I set my focus and attention
Like many things in this world, gratitude is a practice. It takes time and practice to become good at playing a sport. It takes time and practice to become good at baking a cake. It took time and practice to get good at creating lasting states of depression. The more you practice gratitude the easier it becomes. You will find your spirit lifting and more and more reason to be happy and grateful. And soon you will be able to maintain that state of being.
I have, while doing my gratitude and happiness practice, still come up against adversity and unpleasant events happening around me. They are not me. I have sometimes played with what it feels like to give into that sensation. “What if I want to wallow?” Do I want to live in that space or do I choose to honor myself and the desire I have to experience joy? That question is usually enough to help me shift my focus.
I do not believe it is spiritual bypassing. I can acknowledge the situation. The situation is not me. It is a current circumstance that will pass. I can choose whether or not I put effort and intention into changing or maintaining my current situation. It is as easy as thought. We are only limited in our ability to create the world we wish around us by our desire and will to put intention and effort into changing or maintaining it. I will not say that gaining and maintaining happiness is easy. But, it is worth it. I love that I can choose to maintain my happiness regardless of what is happening around me. There is always something to be grateful for. I am also a person who loves to love others. I like to spread joy and love, and so I receive that from others in return. This gives me access to even more joy.
Are you someone that consumes and spreads fear? That is another form of depression. Media often can program us to be afraid. Afraid of other humans, afraid of ourselves, afraid of things outside of our control. With that fear in our hearts we face the world from a place of fear and receive fear back in return. This can create a feedback loop full of fear. When we are fearful we have a tendency to isolate ourselves from others. We then will spend money on things that we think will make us feel better in the moment. Our capitalistic society has a vested interest in making us fearful. You can see it on the news every day. When we are fearful we feel the need to buy things to try to make ourselves feel safe or try to make us feel happy. But that bought feeling does not last. True happiness comes from within. It comes from valuing yourself and all that you already have.
What need have I of a television to watch when I am so busy and happy seeing the trees and the flowers outside? I could sit and watch ants building their colony and going about their business for hours. What need have I of a phone when I can speak to my neighbors and share experiences with them in real time?
I know this is me personally. But I also know that you must have passions and drives you love that are not about what you have but are found in states of being.
I build community everywhere I go with everyone I meet. I face them with a heart full of open unconditional love. If someone chooses to “take advantage” of that it is none of my business. I give love and I experience joy by seeing others receive it. What happens next I look upon with equanimity, mental calmness and composure. I don’t need to do anything other than be myself to be happy. I am love. I receive and accept love and nothing else. This is the reality I have created for myself.
I have no trouble letting those who do not wish to live in love with me out of my life. I let them go with love. I do not try to control what others want and accept for themselves. That is their business. I choose love fully and completely. If you choose love, share that with me. If you need help finding the love that is all around you, ask me or someone you trust for assistance.
I love you all unconditionally. This makes me happy and brings me joy. This is who I am and it is all that I need to be. Blessings friends!
Ps. When I started this post I was in a state of depression. By the time I finished I have once again found my happy. Thank you for bearing witness.
#buhubawake
