Immune to Crying

When my wife was first pregnant, she and I were having lunch with friends and their infant son. The little guy cried and hollered during the entire meal. I was shocked to see my friends ignore and/or downplay their son’s cries for help. They’d say sarcastically, “I know, I know” then not do a damned thing. I vowed that when I became a parent I’d never be like that.

So when Dmitri first arrived, I rushed over whenever he made any kind of sound. My wife and I held him close to our chests and comforted him to sleep whenever he was fussy. He didn’t leave our chests those first few days, which was fine except we didn’t get a chance to do anything. Even the important stuff like eating and sleeping. We quickly realized we couldn’t go to Dmitri every single time he cried because eventually we’d shrivel up and die from exhaustion and malnutrition.

The key was realizing not all cries are the same. With the benefit of a few weeks of experience, I can now break down his cries as follows:

Level 1 — a low, melodic wail. While in Level 1, we have time to eat or drink or use the restroom. Heck, Dmitri might even stop crying while in Level 1 and fall asleep.

Level 2 — a louder wail that signifies action is required. Basically, “Yo, why hasn’t anyone come to check on me yet?” Level 2 requires action. Maybe. You can still eat or drink or use the restroom, you’ll just feel guilty about it.

Level 3 — a louder wail augmented by a warble that makes his lower lip quiver. This cry shows true frustration and says, “Stop what you’re doing and go check on me!” It’s during Level 3 that Dmitri is liable to pee and/or poop on you while holding him.

Level 4 — a high pitched squeal that says, “I’m in peril! Save me!” Fortunately, we’ve only heard this once and it was at the hospital when Dmitri got skewered with a giant immunization needle. Yikes.

I had such an idealized version of what it would be like before Dmitri arrived. The baby shall want for nothing! We would always be there for him! Not only is that bad for the baby psychologically, it’s impossible to accomplish without keeling over dead. The reality of being a parent is sometimes — just sometimes — the baby is going to be unhappy.

And that’s okay.