Business Language: Why Being Polite Is Harder than it Seems

Politeness arrives early in life. We learn what is and isn’t polite as a child, often quite painfully, through our mistakes. As adults, we continue to deal with politeness on a daily basis.

Politeness can be complex, especially when working with other nationalities.

I recently told one of my Polish students that her listening style came across as rude. Her silence and lack of response to what I said made me feel as if she was ignoring me. She was shocked.

‘Really? I had no idea. I’ve been listening like this for 25 years. Do I have to change totally?’

Likewise, when in Germany, I would usually arrive at a client’s office in the morning and ask,

‘How are you?’ The response would simply be, ‘OK.’

There was no smile and no follow up question such as, ‘And how are you?’

I didn’t feel welcome.

Asking about it later I got the explanation,

‘Hey you asked me a question, and I gave you a truthful answer. I was being polite.’

Although my question didn’t demand an answer, I was actually trying to start a conversation. But my German counterpart interpreted it as the verbal equivalent of a handshake: a quick gesture, then let’s get down to business. I don’t want to waste your time after all; I respect you.

Politeness exists in all aspects of our lives. Every time we interact with others we have to decide how polite we wish to be. When offering someone a cup of coffee if we are making one for ourselves, when opening the door for someone else, when negotiating which television channel to watch… all these actions can be conducted politely or impolitely.

Politeness can force us to ask ourselves some uncomfortable questions. For example:

‘How well do I understand the impact of my own behavior on others?’

‘Am I being rude when I try to be polite?’

‘How far am I willing to change my own behavior for others?’

Cultures of all shapes and sizes across every historical period have concepts of politeness which determine which social behaviors are appropriate and which are not.

Politeness is not just about how you hold a knife and fork or whether you should wear a tie. That is what we call ‘etiquette.’ Politeness is about social identity. Polite behavior connects us to our collective values and our need to belong to a social group.

As we begin to work across cultures for business, conventions of politeness can become mysterious and hard to work out. Do I arrive early, on time or five minutes late? Do I give business cards at the beginning or at the end of a meeting? Do I bow or shake hands? Do I sit or stand? Do I speak or stay silent, or do I interrupt?

These decisions are difficult and the consequences of being wrong can be high.

A Finnish business leader recently presented his Indian counterpart with a small package of company brochures, pens and other small ‘goodies’ at their first meeting. It was a classical symbolic gesture of politeness; an offering from Finland to India.

But the Indian businessman was outraged. How can a senior leader such as myself be presented with such low-value, non-personalized ‘rubbish’? The business relationship never recovered. Different notions of gift-giving undermined it before it even got started.

It’s easy to assume that politeness is simply about being open-minded and sensitive to others. If you ask people to rate their abilities when it comes to being polite, most rate themselves highly. Most of us assume we are tolerant and open-minded; so what’s the problem?

The problem is that politeness is not an intellectual concept, it’s a physical and emotional experience. When someone offends against our sense of politeness, we experience irritation, even anger. When we find people rude we tend to stop listening to them, start to argue with them, or we simply disengage. Failure to ‘manage politeness’ undermines relationships and can be costly for organisations as collaboration decreases and efficiency declines.

So how can we handle politeness more effectively? Here are three simple tips:

1. Don’t assume your own definition of politeness works

Assumptions are usually dangerous in life but one assumption which can work to your advantage is to assume that your own assumptions are not shared.

I remember the first conversation I had with a Swedish client. I began with a lot of small talk — ‘Where are you from?’; ‘Is it your first time in the UK?’; ‘How long are you staying?’ — but the lady said very little back which I found strange and a little rude.

I asked her. ‘Why are you so quiet today?’; she replied. ‘Why are you so noisy?’ My notion of politeness didn’t work with someone who preferred silence and a slow start to a relationship.

Consider ways in which your behavior could be seen as impolite. Thinking about the possibilities will make you more careful about how you act.

2. Don’t trust your own interpretation of what is rude

Just as your behavior may seem rude to others, others may seem rude to you. But ‘seem rude’ does not mean they ‘are rude’.

It’s vital to detach your own feelings and judgements from the facts.

This is particularly true when it comes to timeliness. I was teaching in Serbia recently and, for the first three days, my students arrived twenty minutes late! I began to get frustrated and felt they were being disrespectful. On the third day I asked, ‘Why are you so late every day?’

Their response was, ‘We’re not late. You’re the professor so we expect you to arrive thirty minutes after the scheduled start because you’re so senior. In fact, we’re early. We’re being polite!’

3. Discuss politeness regularly

As your career takes you to different countries, functions, departments and teams you’ll encounter different definitions of politeness as people define working relationships in diverse ways.

A good way to uncover hidden assumptions is to start talking about politeness with others. You could start by saying, ‘I was reading an article on politeness the other day. It said politeness was very different in different places. What do you think?’

Starting a conversation about politeness can help build understanding in a smooth and natural way. It’s strange that so few business professionals use these opportunities to discuss this. Maybe they’re just too polite!

Photo credit: RawPixel for iStock

Originally published at www.getnewsmart.com.