13 things mentally strong couples don’t do, according to a psychotherapist
Even if you have amazing chemistry with your partner, bad habits like being manipulative or holding a grudge can derail a healthy relationship.
By Amy Morin
Mentally strong couples are comprised of two strong individuals who bring out the best in each other. They challenge each other in healthy ways and support each other’s efforts to reach their goals.
While good habits are important to their success, the absence of bad habits is what really separates them from other people. They avoid unhealthy habits that could rob them of the mental strength they need to be their best. Here are 13 things mentally strong couples don’t do.
1. They don’t keep score
They don’t worry about whose turn it is to do the dishes, and they don’t complain about being owed a favor. They understand that there are times when one of them will have more to give than the other — so they don’t keep score over who does the most.
2. They don’t compete
Mentally strong couples don’t try to outshine one another. They build each other up, celebrate one another’s successes, and cheer each other on. They know that they are on the same team and aren’t trying to earn the most, be the favorite parent, or attract the most attention.
3. They don’t attack
You won’t catch mentally strong couples calling each other names or making false accusations. They don’t blame one another for their emotions, their problems, or their behavior. Instead, they take responsibility for their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
4. They don’t let their emotions rule
Mentally strong couples are emotionally intelligent. They use healthy coping skills to deal with uncomfortable feelings like loneliness, anger, and sadness. They embrace discomfort when it’s part of the healing process, and they know how to change their emotional state when their feelings aren’t serving them well.
5. They don’t manipulate
They don’t use deceptive or passive-aggressive tactics to try and get their partner to do things. Instead, they influence one another in a healthy, direct way. They talk openly about their concerns and expectations.
6. They don’t hold a grudge
Mentally strong couples know that they will let each other down, hurt one another, and make mistakes. So they apologize when they’re wrong and forgive each other for when they mess up. They don’t try to punish one another by holding grudges.
7. They don’t take each other for granted
Mentally strong couples feel fortunate. They experience and express gratitude on a regular basis, not just for what their partners do for them, but also for who their partners are.
8. They don’t minimize one another’s feelings
Mentally strong couples don’t always understand one another feelings. They might think their partner’s feelings are out of proportion to the situation sometimes. But they don’t invalidate one another’s emotions. Instead, they acknowledge that their partner has a right to their feelings, no matter what those feelings might be.
9. They don’t speak ill of each other
Mentally strong couples don’t complain to their friends or family members about their partners. They don’t reveal one another’s secrets to the world, and they don’t make fun of them to others. While they may seek relationship advice from people they respect, their conversations are about looking for solutions rather than putting their partner down.
10. They don’t keep secrets
Unless it’s a surprise birthday party or a present, mentally strong couples don’t keep secrets from one another. They allow each other to have privacy, but they don’t hide things that could damage the relationship — like spending habits or online behaviors. They’re open and honest with one another.
11. They don’t try to change each other
While they do express concerns when they see concerning behavior, they don’t try to force their partner to change. Rather than micromanage, nag, belittle, or beg, they focus on the things they can control — like their own effort and attitude.
12. They don’t stifle each other
Mentally strong couples don’t try to tame their partners. They allow them the space they need to be themselves, even when it involves their partner exploring interests or goals that they don’t share. They’re confident that their partner can enjoy freedom and pursue happiness as an individual while maintaining a strong, healthy relationship.
13. They don’t lose sight of their values
While it’s tempting to get caught up in day-to-day stresses, and it’s easy to get stuck in a rut, mentally strong couples don’t lose sight of their values. Whether they value hard work, education, or extended family, they know what’s important to them, and they work together as a team to ensure their priorities reflect their core values.
Build your mental muscle
If you feel as though you or your partner aren’t as strong as you can be, don’t worry. You’re not alone. Fortunately, you can develop more mental strength both as an individual and as a couple.
So concentrate on building your own mental muscle — and you might inspire your partner to do the same. When you’re both invested in becoming the strongest versions of yourselves, you can become a powerful couple who supports one another’s efforts to create positive change.
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