Confessions of Food Delivery Hacks

I was standing outside traffic court, smoking a cigarette with the other losers, waiting for court to start, when I overheard two food delivery drivers comparing notes and sharing their inside jokes and delivery stories. I was naturally curious because I’m a lazy, fat fuck with no car who uses DoorDash, GrubHub, UberEATS and Instacart just about every day of my fat life, so I inched closer to eavesdrop…

The first dude, let’s call him Chad — because he looked like a Chad — drives for DoorDash and bragged how he “snags” a few fries and/or onion rings from every order until he has enough for a lunch break. The other one, who we’ll call Dante — because he looked like a Dante — drives for “all of ’em,” which I gathered to be DoorDash, GrubHub and UberEATS, laughed and assured Chad that “snagging” isn’t “stealing.” He then added how he always counts such things as breadsticks, chicken nuggets, chicken fingers, and chicken wings because sometimes restaurants throw in one or to extras, which he then snags for himself.

“If you snag one nugget and a few fries from every order,” he said, “by the end of your shift, you have a full meal, like a 20-piece variety nuggets from everywhere.”

Chad agreed and they both laughed.

It gets crazier…