26th Feb, One is Not Enough is here, What is productivity for you?

Productivity to me used to mean exhaustion and anxiety in equal measure.
A cocktail of cortisol, insulin and adrenaline mixed with bursts of punishing exercises, with a side dish of regrettable casual sex, finished off with a lack of sleep. I was a hot mess and apparently going to places.

This is no at all the full picture, but often what people miss out. I got a lot of shit done jumping between various disciplines in creativity, academia, bodywork and community activism. The flip side of the coin was chasing me in each spin. I was ill most of the time and gave myself a hard time for ‘being weak’.

Now I am a responsible and sceptical fan girl of Tim Ferris. I don’t agree with everything the preacher says, but I find solidarity in someone who is esoteric I resonated much as a type-A over-achiever who doesn’t know how to hobby. I knew none of my problems and anxieties is original. It was nice to have found a fellow mad person.

For as much I overlapped with Ferris in personalities and ideologies, I am also the opposite. There is beauty in a melting pot of mess called the human emotions and romance in incompetence. I fear Ferris might struggle to take the leap of faith. You can tell if someone gets it or not through fashion.

I am confident with my critical practice and building my standing as a visual practitioner, and on my way to understand business. My next goal posts are investments, languages and bodywork, squeezing archery too.

Productivity is a challenge as much as it is a practice. There are hacks and tips, but none of them works unless you have a mindful understanding of your habits and routines. Most people don’t invest in the time to observe self. Instead, they spend a lot of money on gadgets and fad diets. Well, there is consumerism for you.

I keep on forgetting my roots in Eastern spiritual practice make me less resistant to many practices that hardcore scientific minds would shame them to their cores to even consider. How obtuse of them? Aren’t we suppose to base our opinions on evidence, people? 
I am a woman of science, but how do one obtain evidence by sitting idle arm crossed.

Productivity is also spiritual. It is a state of purposelessness and self-abandonment I am working to achieve as often as possible. Certain things are only outward confirmation of mastery such as status, wealth and affluence. Our attachment to these things only lead to worrying, nothing else.

This might sounds peculiar, innocuous and enigmatic. But it makes perfect sense to me. I can see it everywhere. I am yet to be very proficient at expressing this well. I am only 29, there is time, hopefully.

I don’t doubt you would give most things a try. But how commited are you actively to test out your ideologies and beliefs?

I used to be religious when I was a kid. I am saying kid on purpose, I was not a child, I am talking about between the age of 11–12 to about 15, but realistically and thoroughly, almost until I was 20.

I was not brought up to be religious, that is probably why I became one for a while. A sort of teenage rebellion. This is further backed by the fact that I was aspiring to be a Catholic for a while, even though I was actually baptised, only out of tradition, as a Presbytarian. I have never gone to church with my family. My gradma sometimes talks about us as if we had anything to do with the Presbytarian church, but I think that is just her guilt speaking, for not living the way she was raised to be. She told me a few times, she stopped going to church when she met my grandfather. The only thing is, however, is that my grandfather died almost 13 years ago, and the only time she went since then was on one Christmas Day, when I was maybe about 12, because I have been expressing interest about church ceremonies and religion.

Later on, when I grew a bit older, I wanted to be Jewish. I did not tell about this to my parents, but I was making plans to convert to Judaism as soon as I turn 18. I have seen that as the turning point only because that meant I was legally an adult, I did not take it into consideration that I would have one more year left from secondary school and I would still have to live at home for a while. But I did a lot of research into customs and beliefs and I stopped eating pork, which persisted way beyond my religiousness. I was so not used to the taste of it after a while that I have only started eating it again recently, unless it was bacon, salami, or something equally detached.

I grew even older and I stopped being religious. I am trying to remember why, but it is hard. I think I was thinking too much and too analytically for it to be possible. The idea just stopped being feasible after a while. I was a bit sad afterwards, I was grieving the loss of a definitive framework to view the world through. But it was also a relief at the same time. I realised I do not need to be afraid of dying, because once I do die, there is no *me* anymore, my consciousness will stop existing, and therefore there is no need to worry about it. I will not know anyway, because I will not have a way of knowing, because I will not be. This might sound alien to people who think differently from me, but this was the most empowering realisation I have ever came to. Once that happened, I stopped grieving becoming an atheist.

It is late now, and there is a lot to say, I will carry on with it tomorrow.