On Love 7/7

This love campaign was fun. Thank you for the idea. I especially loved the collaborative short stories. I do think we made something memorable. Well done, us!

Yesterday I was really sad — and looking back, blind drunk — when I was writing, but I suppose it is good to confront these sort of thoughts when they surface, whatever the trigger or the occasion may be. Your advice was great and insightful and I am glad you are the person I decided to discuss these feelings with.

You make me think often. It happens all the time that I would say or write something and I expect you would agree, but then you do not. It is amazing. Great to get a perspective that is, I believe, really similar to mine, but also drastically different. Our thinking complements each other.

I have spent the day sleeping and useless and I did not know how to reflect on our exchange yesterday. I am not sure I agree with what I wrote, but I do, to some extent. I suppose I am just worried. I do not know the fun aspect of love. Because as soon as it not only fun, but there is love as well — so therefore it is supposed to be *fun love*, a good and fulfilling relationship — it is over. Right after the point I would allow myself to relax into the situation and feel like I am not envious of my friend`s going on dates, or I do not mind admitting that I actually really like a person. That is the point when they end it.

Do you have something to say about that?

Patience is a virtual.

Finding love in general is a game of luck.

From my limited experience, I did find a romanic relationship lasted in the most fulfilling way till the end. It was hardwork too. We had to be such mature person who are self aware and very accountable. I don’t know how we did it, but we did. I don’t really know when it stopped working but it also did. However, life is not in chapters. It is not that convenient.

I used to say love is you lay down in bed and just remembered you didn’t roll the bins out. You can hear your loved one still brushing teeth. You know in a moment, the same realisation will come before all the molars are polished. So you get up and you go into the cold you push the bin out. Because you love the person, you do the painful things for them so they don’t have to. That was my husband countless times. That was me also everyday. Love is self sarcrifice too.

When we stop acknowledge these things, resentment grow like wild fire on a dry summer day. You say love my insights because you don’t share life with me daily. The downside is if he was less than perfect, I can sense it immediately. He knows I knew that and I probably chose to say nothing because nobody is perfect, it is about picking the right fights and nurturing each other. But he went ahead and did things any way knowing it would hurt me in the details. The resentment from him became unbearable and to cope I begin to attempt to make myself invisible. That pushed me back to the path of coping with historical domestic abuse. Within 18 months, I nearly died. Just like I did 14 years ago before I met him.

I don’t hate him or blame him. We are still spending time mending, reflecting, mending and forgiving ourselves. Forgiving ourselves is the hardest. Love taught me to have no expectations from others(I don’t aim to get back together, it benefits us both to rebuild ourselves and our friendship), giving is what love is about. You just need to know the other person is of same disposition and kindness. That’s why relationship is about matching commitments and intent.

Willingness to make it work between two people is the hardest. I think right now I might be dealing with someone who is trying to fade me out. It is kinda cute in a pathetic way. You know what I mean? I know I am being judgemental here. I don’t cope well with people who are risk adverse but insatiably ambitious. Being courageous is not about making stupid decicions like super heros do in movies. It is about extending the hand first. Risking momentary or full fat humiliation to ask for what you want. It is a rare quality to find. It is even harder a skill to keep what is given to you too. But that’s something you can learn. Be courageous, that’s not easily persuaded.

So, I say, if someone did something doesn’t intuitively feels like ‘hell yeah’, then adjust your expectations immeduately and courageously say no. You have to leave the past behind to move on. Doesn’t meant to shut someone out, you just manage your own emotional responses properly.

I live by this rule. I hope you can see by this logic I must really enjoy writing with you too. You have the hunger and energy and I know writing for you is necessity and you are not trying to please me. You are just being you. That I can respect.

I love my friends and try to give them a lot of me, because in loving people I feel the love for myself. I never thought how someone might be useful for me later. I have grown up along someone who weaponised her love. It was deverstating to her and made her a monster. I used to worry I shall follow the same path. I will make sure I won’t. I have the will and pretty sure that is all you need.

I have problem eating, Hanna. I am kinda really scared. I miss someone really concern about me, like my Dad did or maybe does still. In love, I am still tackling the sense of loss, but gaining good grounds daily.

What are your thoughts on caring for someone(not just principally, but with responsibility)?