Sports Bras, Mammograms, and Meetings

I just took off my sports bra and got a little angry. So, I thought I would just riff about things related to being a woman that bug me or have bugged me.

Sports bras need zippers (they probably have these, I just haven’t seen them. I bet I can find them on Amazon Prime).

Razors need flashlights to compensate for dimly lit showers, where it’s easy to miss under the kneecap or behind the ankle.

Remember those hip huggers they brought back in the early 2000’s? That should never happen again.

Are thongs still a thing? They shouldn’t be.

Mammogram machines need to all be destroyed and be replaced with some type of pillow-like contraption that moves toward the woman who is sitting in a contoured leather seat with a remote. The woman controls the pillow-like contraption to move toward her. When the machine senses a breast in close enough proximity, its pillow like gloves gently pulls and stretches the breast, then presses gently. The machine beeps at the slightest indication of pain and the gloves lessen their tension. The woman’s breasts feel like they are getting a warm hug.

Vaginal exams should be done with a sensor the shape of a tampon that the patient inserts and when the exam is done, the sensor says in Viola Davis’ voice “Thank you, Beautiful. Your exam is complete. Please place me carefully on the counter. I apologize for any inconvenience this exam may have caused you.”

When a woman is with her husband and someone walks up to them and only talks to the husband, ignoring the wife completely, a taser should stun them in their neck (after 30 seconds).

When a woman tells a really funny joke while with a group of men, and they don’t laugh, but then a man in the same group tells a joke that’s not as funny as the woman’s joke, but gets more laughs, all the people except for the woman should get tasered in their neck.

If a woman gets interrupted by a man more than 2x in a meeting, the man or men should get tasered in their neck.

If a woman is in a meeting and voices an idea, any idea, good or bad and no one says anything because — I don’t know — she’s not a man — everyone in the room should get tasered in their neck (except said woman).