The only thing we can control

I waited, impatiently for my computer to turn back on. It was 11pm and I had no story written.

I was laying on my mattress, thumb-typing words together on my cell. Trying to write my way to an idea. In hindsight, writing in a notebook would’ve been easier. But that’s a small symptom of how married I was to my laptop and/or technology for that matter.

Nonetheless, dead-tired, I kept tapping.

Midnight struck and I was struggling to piece together some sort of coherence.

I glared at my computer. It had surpassed critical condition. It was dead.

(Later, I’d discover, my hard drive had crashed (and I was at the risk of losing all my pictures from Costa Rica and the places I’d traveled. And worse, all my writing. All book drafts and ideas and all 200,000 words I’d typed this year! WTF! x 10)).

I was not even halfway into my 56 MORNINGS project. This project that I was supposed to deliver on, every day for 56 days straight. My only means for submitting writing would be through my phone.

And on this night, under these conditions, I did not want to write. Complaining sounded like a better idea. Calling Apple and having a word with them — a few four-letter ones, sounded like a better idea.

But I’m trying to live righteously and be a role model. So, I calmed temporarily. I realized, if I did that, I’d be making myself powerless. I’d be saying, “Oh well, I tried. Show’s over folks. No refunds.”

So I chomped at a chocolate bar and gathered what energy I could and I wrote. I wrote, (got some long, effective blinks in) and I wrote, and around 2ish in the morning, I published the story and collapsed.

This was how badly I wanted it. Or rather, this was how much I wanted to avoid failure. Whether failure came in the form of embarrassment or being revealed as a fraud, I’m still unsure.

The next morning, I awoke to a career high in typos. Just absolutely horrendous. But what I endured the previous night overrode any shame or feeling of defeat.

My laptop would be in repair for nearly two weeks. Luckily, I have some very generous and awesome amigos (thank you, Joselyn!)

This entire conundrum was a blessing though. It reminded me of what I’m capable of against the odds. IT REMINDED ME TO BACKUP AND SAVE IMPORTANT THINGS TO THE CLOUD.

And it also helped me remember that, in this life there are only a few things within our control. My laptop self-destructing; I had no control over that. Effectively, all I could control was myself. As in, I could control my reaction to the setback and how I would move forward.

This a prime motif behind my 56 MORNINGS project. To live with more intention, not being swayed by the ups and downs of the day to day, to gain more control.

I’m thankful to have learned that through my semi-tradegy.

Some of us are existing, powerless, victims of life. Others — those of us who seek out life with intention — are living.

Be amongst the living.

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Update: My laptop has been nourished back to good health. I also recovered everything. Praise the heavens!