Building the Warriors’ Bench

Now that Kevin Durant has officially taken his talents to the Bay, the Golden State Warriors have to start filling out their bench.

Even with the the best lineup in NBA history, the Dubs will still need some role players to slot in when Steph’s dealing with ankle injuries and Draymond’s serving nut tap suspensions. With the Dubs looking at a geriatric Jesus Shuttlesworth, nobody’s off limits. Let’s build ourselves a team!

Von Miller

Everyone’s favorite currently out-of-work Super Bowl MVP needed something to do after Dancing With the Stars didn’t pan out. Solution: the 250-pound small forward deployed staggeringly crude Photoshop skills to bless the internet with an aspirational image of GSW pride. We just found our defensive stopper off the bench.

Maria Sharapova

Sharapova can’t play pro tennis for two years due to an arcane PED violation (meldonium?). You know who has an extremely lax drug testing program? The NBA! Let Masha ride the bench for the Warriors and give them a little baseline-to-baseline speed. Plus, last year the Cavs proved there’s a spot for 29-year-old Russians on a championship team’s bench.

Bernie Sanders

Every team needs some veteran leadership. Time to grab the 74-year-old point guard from Vermont. Even though he can’t stretch the floor like he used to, he’s the perfect team catalyst and will deliver top notch halftime speeches: “Attack the paint like Wall Street attacks the middle class!”

Michael Jordan Impersonator

Tough to fill out a roster when you can only offer the vet minimum but this dude will play for free. Nothing but love for the game. Maybe he’s a little undersized — so what? Lock down D and looks so good on the court, he may steal some endorsement dollars from KD.

Tiger Woods

We know Steph Curry is money from 30 feet, but Tiger can drop ’em in from 40+ even with the pressure on. Great deep threat off the bench.

Cut from the Roster: Stephen A. Smith

S.A.S. should be the first guy cut this summer. Shows no team spirit and doesn’t bring any value to the squad. Rough year for the hot take artist as he’s already lost his best friend Skip and gotten his sixth straight NBA Finals prediction wrong.