GoT Power Rankings // “Battle of the Bastards”
Whoa. Anyone else feel pumped up enough to single handedly punch through a castle wall Wun-Wun style? One of the most action-packed and bloody episodes in Game of Thrones history, “Battle of Bastards” gave fans a death they’ve been waiting for since season 2. Yeah, we’ve had to wait five torture-filled seasons for this. Please enjoy it by petting a dog and pretending it was one of canines responsible. Here are this week’s rankings.
1. Sansa Stark
Has anyone been more changed by the events of GoT more than this poor woman? Far from the naive tween girl who wants to be a princess, Sansa begins the episode by telling her husband/everyone’s worst nightmare that he will die the next day. Unsatisfied with Jon’s army and battle strategy, Sansa drops a “no one can protect anyone” truth bomb on Jon. It seems crazy that more citizens of Westeros don’t realize this; it’s not like they don’t witness brutal deaths on the daily. But Sansa’s most triumphant moment came when she was able to look Ramsay in the eyes and tell him he would be completely forgotten. She even leans in as the dogs begin to devour his face, taking in every disgusting moment. Her faint smile as she walked away belonged to us all, and it should’ve been much bigger.
2. Daenerys Targaryen
Finally back in Meereen after her unplanned Dothraki vacation, Dany wastes no time re-establishing her footing as Boss Bitch. She “negotiates” with the slavers by having her dragons burn their ships and the Dothraki army slaughter the Sons of Harpy. Now armed with hundreds of ships, the Unsullied, the Dothraki and, oh yeah, THREE FIRE BREATHING DRAGONS, Khaleesi has assembled a force previously unseen in the Seven Kingdoms. Despite this machine of death she’s gathered, Dany states that her goal, much like her HBO brethren, is to make the world a better place. Who can’t get behind that?
3. Jon Snow
Seeing as how Jon logically should’ve died multiple times this episode and was literally dead previously this season, he’s earned a spot on the rankings simply for continuing to draw breath. Despite multiple tactical errors, Jon and his misfit army are bailed out by Sansa and Littlefinger showing up with the Knights of the Vale to take care of the Bolton forces. Pushed to the brink, Jon beats Ramsay within an inch of his life, but realizes the bastard is not his to kill. Bravery, mercy and compassion — Jon Snow in a nutshell. Also, astronomical luck. At least one of those arrows should’ve hit him though, right?
4. Greyjoy Siblings
Last seen bonding in a brothel, Theon and Yara managed to make it to Meereen just in time to sail past all the flaming slaver ships in the bay. Undeterred and maybe even encouraged by this, the Greyjoys offer Dany their ships in exchange for overthrowing their dick of an Uncle and granting the Iron Islands independence. Daenerys and Yara form an instant feminist connection Annie Lennox would be proud of and, after getting assurance that Yara would rule a more gentle Iron Born people, Khaleesi agrees.
5. Tyrion Lannister
Seeing as though the episode began with Tyrion sheepishly explaining himself to Dany, it didn’t seem like it was gonna be the Imp’s best week. Luckily, Daenerys is a just queen and understands the value of Tyrion’s negotiations with the slavers. Seems like these two have a violent Jobs/Wozniak thing going on, with Dany taking care of the killing and Tyrion as the public face that gets to deliver badass lines. Dany not only keeps him in her counsel but looks to him for approval before agreeing to terms with the Greyjoys. He even gets a chance to lament the handful of dwarf jokes he’s been hearing his whole life—and you know he’s been waiting years to do that.
Dead Last: Ramsay Bolton
FINALLY. Honestly, this little shit-sipper deserved much worse than he got considering all the murdering/raping/torturing/body mutilating he did. And all of it with that completely punchable little smirk too. Waking up tied to a chair and probably still believing he can wiggle his way to freedom, Ramsay gets a taste of his own attack dog medicine when he’s eaten alive by his hounds. At least his last realization was that even his dogs now see him for the asshole that he is. Good riddance, Ramsay.
(Dis)honorable mentions.
Wun-Wun. R.I.P. big guy. Your ability to absorb arrows, along with your other many charms, will be sorely missed.
Rickon Stark. This poor guy was nothing but a pawn and died by means of public humiliation. Even for Game of Thrones, that’s grim.
The Dragons. These guys really have a sense of dramatic timing.
GoT Cinematographers. Legit shoutout to the many beautiful shots in this episode.
