RELATIONSHIPS
5 Friends You Need to Dump This Summer
One by one, I ended several of my longstanding friendships. Here’s why I did it, and maybe you should, too.
Over the past year, I have ended nearly all of my friendships and done so with no regrets. I’d been tolerating one-sided relationships for many years, trying to fix them, and giving them entirely too much space in my life, hoping my buddies would grow and change as individuals and friends. Finally, as has happened in alot of relationships since the onset of the pandemic, my patience with unfulfilling friendships ran dry.
During the pandemic, I have been hyper-focused on surviving the deadliest year of my existence and thriving at a time when millions have either lost their lives or livelihoods. Together, we have learned what and who is essential, and much of what we once thought was important is now frivolous and even meaningless. So, as issues continued to arise between us, I saw no reason to hold on to certain friends, and one by one ended several of my longstanding friendships. Here are just some of the reasons why I did it, and why maybe you should, too.
They take more than they give. Every time you turn around, your friend has their hand out. They want you to babysit their bratty kids, help plan the kids’ birthday parties, bring over something they forgot at the market, or help put furniture together. However, that’s not the problem; that’s what friends are for! The issue is that whenever you need help, they’re never there for you. Whether you need help unpacking after moving into your new place or need someone to pick up a prescription for you when you’re too sick to do it yourself, they’re never available. I had a fake friend like this, and cutting her out of my life was one of the best moves I made and the beginning of my un-friending spree.
They stay stuck. One of the characteristics my ex-friends have in common is that each of them became stuck at some point in their lives and never shifted. Whether they never got over a break-up or refused to learn or do something new and different to secure a better future for themselves and their children, this kind of friend can be a real downer. Over the years, the complacency of stuck friends becomes contagious, and you will find yourself settling for less in an attempt to make them feel more comfortable. Every time you offer them help, ideas, or instruction on how to get out of their rut, they ignore it. Before too long, what should have been a temporary setback becomes a permanent lifestyle and a sinking ship from which you must jump.
They want you to commiserate. Instead of doing whatever it takes to find the sort of success that will make them happy, they’d rather be upset and then drag you into that upsetness. They would rather complain about not being able to afford groceries or a movie ticket than to get off their asses and get a job. When you try to help them get back to work by paying a professional resume writer to whip their CV into shape, they refuse the help. They are addicted to the attention they get from victimizing themselves and aren’t interested in solutions.
Their beliefs and actions are dangerous and, frankly, kind of stupid. Fortunately, the pandemic has shone a light on some of the ignorant people closest to us. When you believe in science and your friends believe that Covid is a hoax, problems will arise. They’ll show up at your house without a mask. When given one, they will continue to disrespect your wishes and space by wearing the mask inappropriately. Their conspiracy theories are more important to them than your health. They think that taking vitamins is all the precaution they need and that you’re a “sheep” for wanting to protect yourself and your family against a virus that has killed millions around the world. Their beliefs don’t align with yours, and their refusal to respect your beliefs and boundaries when in your space is exhausting.
They never celebrate your victories. Instead, they have to find or create a flaw in what you’ve accomplished or created. These are usually the friends who have nothing of their own to celebrate or be proud of, so their insecurities cause them to tear your achievements apart. They are more comfortable with you when you’re not advancing. If you’re stagnant, it makes them feel better about how stuck they are. What’s more, they get nervous when it looks like you’re about to leave them behind, so they start saying and doing things to try to discourage you and hold you back. Well, if you have a friend like this, you need to do just that — leave them behind!
It took entirely too long to let go of my troublesome friendships. Over the years, I walked away from them several times but came back after six months or even three years of separation. I was held by the wonderful memories and times of struggle I shared with my friends, all of whom I’d known for fifteen to twenty years. We’d been through a lot together, and they wear and still are genuinely good people, but as in any relationship, there were cracks. Over time, those cracks became gaping canyons with each of us on opposite cliffs. Before the pandemic, I struggled to stretch the breadth between us, overlooking the differences in our growth and trajectories. I loved them, but our friendships became unhealthy for me, and to save myself, especially during the past year, I had to let them go.
In doing so, I have made room for new people, experiences, opportunities, and feelings in my life. After reliving much of the same disappointment year after year in my friendships, I decided that I’m worth more. I deserve friends who, like me, don’t stay down for long, who are always looking for silver linings on stormy days, and who are eager to shift, grow, and change. I deserve friends who are interested in science and not conspiracies and who don’t think they’re set apart from the rest of us who are doing our best to survive the deadliest years of our lives. We’re really all in this together. I deserve to get as much love and care as I give and for someone to show up for me!
As the country and the world slowly reopens, I think it’s time to decide how we’re going to move forward in this new normal and how much of our old lives we’re willing to drag into our new ones. Personally, I feel reborn. I feel as if I have evaded death and illness by God’s grace and hypervigilant anxiety. Now, I don’t want to waste a moment. I don’t want to live the same day seventy-three times and call it a life, or forgive someone seventy-three times and still call them a friend. I deserve to have exactly what and who I want in my one wild and precious life. And if a year filled with fear, anxiety, loss, and uncertainty has you questioning what’s left out there for you, let me assure you, the answer is everything.
Let go of those who no longer serve you as you are now and as you will be in the future. Remove those blockages, make room for the blessings you won’t see coming, and if all else fails, remember what my grandmother always says — “Everybody ain’t your friend.”
