PERSONAL CHANGE & GROWTH
Good News! Who You Are Isn’t Who You Always Have To Be
Take baby-steps toward an improved version of yourself and don’t be disappointed when you backstep. It’s to be expected.
When I was younger, sometime in my early twenties, I had a habit of replying, “This is the way I am,” anytime someone complained about my insensitivity, lack of empathy, or straight-up rudeness. To my young, inexperienced brain, the way things and people were was the way they’d always be. When you’re young, everything seems permanent. When we were toddlers, and our parents dropped us off at pre-school for the first time, we were certain they were never coming back. When we were pre-teens and experienced puppy love for the first time, we assumed we’d only love that one person for the rest of our lives. When we first had our hearts broken, we swore we’d die, and when we experienced our first taste of triumph or failure, we assumed each would last forever. But then, we grew up, and life handed our asses to us again and again, teaching us that nothing and no one has to stay the same.
My partner is eleven years my senior and loves to proclaim, “This is just the way I am,” each time I point out an area of his personality that can stand a bit of growth. His response to my concerns used to infuriate me, and frankly, it still pisses me off. But then, I remember my younger years and the consequent belief that everything was permanent. By the way, my ability to recall my youth is evidence of my personal growth and learned ability to enact empathy even and especially when all I want to do is strangle someone.
But, I digress.
To save us both a world of grief and a night filled with arguing and emotional eating, I try to use my partner’s common declaration of permanence as a chance to teach him what I have learned over the years. Who we are in this moment is not who we have to be in the next.
Most of us have some sort of developmental trauma, whether we realize it or not. Maybe it was watching your parents argue, the way those stupid kids made fun of you in school, or witnessing a horrific traffic accident when you were seven. Whatever the childhood trauma, it informs much of who you are as an adult. Whether consciously or subconsciously, we remember everything that happened to us during our cognitive-developmental years and stages.
You were probably between the ages of two and four when you were taught basic math, colors, shapes, and maybe the alphabet. Even though you learned these things twenty, thirty, forty, or fifty-plus years ago, you remember them today. Meanwhile, many of us can’t remember the algebra or trigonometry we learned in high school, much less what we had for lunch last Thursday. So, imagine the other things you were taught between birth and about thirteen years old that you’ll never forget and how they may show up in your life today.
If your parents were always arguing, you might leave relationships or situations when things get heated to avoid arguments, or you may mirror your parents’ behavior and argue as a first resort.
If you were teased relentlessly as a child, you might be shy and self-conscious around others. You may distrust people and find it hard to make friends, or you may have grown up to be an extrovert, determined to show proverbial mean girls that they can’t stop your shine.
If you witnessed a horrific car accident when you were young, you might have anxiety behind the wheel, never take the freeway, drive at or below the speed limit and avoid traffic at all costs. You may have never learned to drive at all, or you may have become a safe and excellent defensive driver who invested in one of the safest cars on the market, always obeys traffic signs and laws, and pays for the best insurance available to protect yourself against devastation in case of an accident.
My point is that much of who were are is based on our traumas, triumphs, past beliefs, and previous knowledge, and ofcourse, not all of it is bad. But just because we were raised or taught a certain way doesn’t mean that’s the way we’re meant to be our entire lives. Reinvention isn’t only for celebrities like Madonna, a master of regeneration, but it is meant for us all. Not only should we strive to update our wardrobes, hairstyles, self-care routines, and diets as we grow and age, but we should also work intently to update our belief systems and modi operandi.
We should be as curious about ourselves as we are about other people, and dig deeper into what makes us tick and how to change or improve our thought patterns, internal rhetoric, and behavior instead of just accepting them as inalienable states of being. You can change yourself on the outside and the inside. You can change your physical location, vocation, mindset, relationship standards, and eventually, your entire life trajectory!
The ability to improve and change myself daily excites me. However, for many people, the idea of change is frightening. For them, the unknown is scarier than what they already know about themselves, even if they feel unhappy or stagnant. If that sounds like you, you probably often wonder, but what if I fail? I get it. Life can be scary, but just for a moment, imagine…what if you fly?
If you’re due for a change and are interested in coming away from your stagnant way of thinking, doing, and being but are terrified of becoming someone you haven’t met yet, here are a few books I’ve read that might help you ease into a new and improved version of yourself:
- [Relationships] Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love: With a complicated title for an uncomplicated book, this easy read by Amir Levine helped my partner and I understand ourselves and each other better.
- [Finances] The Road to Wealth, Women & Money, and The Money Book for the Young Fabulous Broke: These three books from my favorite financial wiz, Suze Orman, are a great way to start and correct your financial wellness trajectory.
- [Mental Health & Well-Being] The Body Keeps the Score: Take a closer look at your trauma and stress with Dr. Bessel van de Kolk’s, and learn life-changing tools to help you cope and heal. I found this book profound and helpful, and I return to it regularly.
As I always tell my coaching clients, you don't have to be perfect, but you do have to be present. Show up for yourself. Take at least one baby step toward an improved version of yourself every day, and don’t be hard on yourself when you backstep. It’s to be expected. Change doesn’t happen overnight; it happens slowly over time. So, don’t expect to be the best version of yourself tomorrow, or even five years from now. Just do the best you can today. Have a better Tuesday or Thursday than you did last week. Baby steps forward will always be better than stagnation or giant leaps backward. Good luck, kid. You’ve got this!
