TV that made me overthink, a series— ‘The Big Day’
In defence of the glitzy Modern Indian Wedding
At the end of Episode 2 of Netflix’s ‘The Big Day’ one of the brides in the show says — “Well, you don’t realise not everyone gets to be who they are. And just to get that opportunity is an incredible privilege.” Wow. And here I was, only watching this TV show because I was already missing the glitz and glam of the wedding season. I didn’t expect such deep conversation in a TV show that’s supposed to be about the Big Fat Indian Wedding. The show turned out to be great. It covers 12 weddings loosely bunched into themes — from the importance of family to changing norms in weddings to how even arranged marriages can lead to a happily ever after.
My favourite episode was ‘Here comes the Typical A-type Bride’. Maybe because I too was an ‘A-type’ bride. I had visions of what my wedding would be like, and my parents were all too happy to give me the kind of function I wanted. Both my spouse’s parents and mine wanted a city wedding, but we managed to convince them to do a destination wedding. I oversaw every detail of the wedding through video calls (because I was in Foundation Course Training for the 3 months immediately preceding my wedding). I had a vision for every single event, from the decor, to the flow and to the music. If this stuff seems normal, let’s get to the crazy part. I hand-wrote about a hundred personalized letters to close guests coming to my wedding. So, I can relate when Ami says that she carried a steamer iron so that her wedding decor looked absolutely perfect.
Bridezillas are everywhere. From Monica’s obsession with ‘her’ wedding on Friends, to Bride Wars where a woman fights with her best friend over a wedding venue. Instagram has allowed this phenomenon to extend to even ordinary persons. Many modern-day influencers use their weddings as a way to get even more popular, by sharing every step of their wedding planning online. While both the bride and the groom are taking a step up when it comes to making their day special, it’s often seen that the woman is more involved or interested in wedding planning. Hence, the term Bridezilla itself. This phenomenon reflects several interesting changes in society.
As women get more authority in their world, they get more authority over their wedding. They don’t have to be the shy bride walking silently behind a veil. Instead, they can don a designer lehenga and dance all the way to their mandap. But despite this authority, some traditional norms remain. Women tend to assign more importance to their wedding than their male counterparts do. They diet and get skin treatments for months before. Many people I know took a break from work in order to plan their wedding, and all of these people were women. They have the ‘choice’ of course, but the reason they do it is because a wedding is much more important to a woman than it is to a man. So they would obsess over the little details, just like men obsess over any little task at the office. The importance of anything is the amount of life you are ready to exchange for it.
Another interesting change I noticed was that marriages now prioritise the needs of the bride and groom over those of the family members. Earlier, the community and religious rituals were given supreme importance. All the functions seemed to focus on giving emotional support to the bride and groom as they prepare themselves for a new phase of life. Today, even simple weddings focus on the bride and groom. Everyone wants to enjoy the fun events, and add music and dance to every event. The reason for this is that the bride and groom get plenty of time and space to get acquainted with one another, even in an arranged marriage. So, they go through this transitional phase over a longer period of time, and perhaps do not need a lot of emotional support. Earlier, marriage used to be a natural phase of life once a person reached sexual maturity. Families would set people up, and then women would move naturally to another household. Today, most people are choosing on their own either when, or whom they want to marry. So, it is more of a celebration of the choice of having a life together. Modernity, unfortunately, is a little intertwined with individualism.
Another interesting thing to note would be the strength of Indian traditions. If we look at other Asian countries, western wedding norms have had a much deeper influence than in India. Occasionally, someone may do a white wedding, but even many of my Christian friends wear sarees to their reception. I too agreed to do Kanyadaan after my mother’s pandit explained it to me, and I could see that it was important to her. Arranged marriages have really become blind dates set up by parents. Families still mostly plan the wedding as a unit — hence the term ‘Shaadi ka Ghar’ — and there is always a divide between what the parents want and what the kids want. Yet, compromise is the way forward, and that is the Indian spirit which truly makes our culture resilient. We don’t reject new practices as much as we accept and make them our own.
A recent pre-wedding has made many worry about the extravagance of Indian weddings. Indeed, it is common to hear about poor families going into debt when paying for their daughter’s wedding. Such actions are tragic but understandable. After all, the choice of groom is the most important way for parents to ensure their daughter ‘settles’ well. So going out of their way to please her in-laws and their future damaad is quite natural. I don’t think these fancy and over-the-top weddings are as harmful as people believe they are.
The weddings shown in shows like The Big Day and Made in Heaven are quite thoughtful if you look beyond the glam and don’t apply an anti-elitist outlook. Rich, attractive people can have legitimate problems too (just because someone else is amputated doesn’t mean your scab doesn’t hurt), and everyone deserves to be the main character on their wedding day. I don’t think these weddings set unrealistic standards in particular because even the daily lives of the Ambanis in any case are unrealistic for an ordinary citizen to aspire towards. Indians ko aukaat mein reha aata hai. We are just a bit irrational when it comes to weddings because of it’s deep social importance. Expecting all wealthy people to be more rational about expenditure than all poor people is absurd. Those who are asking that someone else’s massive wealth should be donated to charity should take a good look at what percentage of wealth they donate. My guess is that wealth and philanthropy are not correlated in any manner.
It’s been two years since I got married. It was one of the best days of my life. I was surrounded by my friends & family, and marrying a wonderful man who had stood with me through thick and thin. My parents didn’t always understand why I wanted a designer lehenga instead of real jewellery, or why my photographer cost so much. But eventually, we came to a consensus. Everyone got a small piece of what they wanted at the event. And that’s what made it so beautiful.
