Table Talk

Offering food is part of elementary hospitality in most cultures. Dinners spent together create and recreate families, friendships, and business relations. Who’s invited? Who sits next to whom? What do the people around the table talk about, and what themes do they avoid? A shared meal is a social event where thoughts, experiences, and emotions are shared.

The cultural rules and etiquette of eating are connected to a shared meal. Margaret Visser, the author of many popular books about the history and culture of food, has emphasized that learning good manners often starts at the dinner table. We also learn moral virtues, such as generosity, discipline, and respect. Good manners are related to the rules of sharing as well: offering food to others, waiting after others, not taking portions that are too large.

You have probably heard caveats such as “One doesn’t talk while eating!”, “Don’t slurp!”, “Don’t play with the food!” Have you ever thought about which cultural values have brought along rules such as these or where they come from? For example, slurping while eating noodles is well accepted in Japan, as it is a sign that the food is delicious and a way to praise the cook. Still, one has to be able to slurp in a cultured way!

Of course, sharing can have an element of being forced as well. Out of respect and politeness, we must eat things we don’t find that tasty or more than we’d actually like to. For many mothers, food is a way to express caring, and when we don’t eat their food it’s as though we are rejecting their love.

For couples just starting to live together, cooking and eating can often be the first touchstones during the journey of adapting to each other. When tensions grow too great, making fun of one’s own culinary wisdoms and eating habits might be the best solution. Shared laughter also helps to mend and strengthen relationships.