Conscious Parenting

Ways to be present as a parent

I answered a recent question posed on Quora: “How is conscious parenting done? Some examples and resources are appreciated.”

While I don’t consider myself an expert, toddler discipline and conscious parenting are areas of my current research and are highlighted on Cake Parenting in the form of courses from subject matter experts. Here is something I have found to be a good starting point from Alfie Kohn, a notable author on education and parenting:

13 PRINCIPLES OF CONSCIOUS PARENTING
by Alfie Kohn

• Be reflective.
• Reconsider your requests.
• Stay focused on your long-term goals.
• Put your relationship first.
• Change how you see not just how you act.
• R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
• Be authentic.
• Talk less, ask more.
• Be mindful of your child’s age.
• Attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts.
• Don’t stick to no’s unnecessarily.
• Don’t be rigid.
• Don’t be in a hurry.

There are many ideas around the concept of conscious parenting. Some of these theories include not using traditional punishment like negative timeouts and raising your voice. They encourage helping your child develop their emotional intelligence to understand their emotions and work through problems with positive punishment techniques. For example, imagine your child is throwing a tantrum at the supermarket because they do not want to wait until they get home to eat the ice cream that you are purchasing. They cry and scream and you say that they will be going to timeout as soon as you get home and they will not get any ice cream at all! You follow through but are unsure if your child learned anything from this experience.

Now think of another scenario where you acknowledge that your child (even if it seems unreasonable) has a desire that is not being met and you react differently. This time, you calmly state that “this ice cream is really making you upset,” “you are having some big feelings and are angry that I won’t give you this ice cream treat now.”

Trying to name these emotions, depending on your child’s age, can be really helpful as well.

Also, try to give another choice in order to diffuse these big feelings. “I’m glad you like the ice cream we picked for the BBQ tonight but right now you can choose between some raisins or peanut butter crackers if you want a treat.”

Being a conscious parent means thinking before you act and being present in the moment. It means acting in the way that you want your children to act and showing respect to others and yourself. We need to remember that each tantrum or mistake a child makes (or we make for that matter) are teaching opportunities and not just punishable events. Learning from your mistakes and managing emotions when faced with future challenges is a goal of parenting and I believe a key aspect to conscious parenting.

According to Dr. Shefali Tsabary, trying to let your child be their own authentic person and not impose your thoughts and desires and goals on your child is another interesting component.

Talk less, listen more, and understand why your child might be acting in a less than ideal way. Loosen up if they want to pick out their own clothes (that might look horrible!) or something makes you 5 minutes late out the door. Calmly respond to their needs with understanding rather than reacting quickly and losing your own temper. No one is perfect and you will do things as a parent that you wish you could take back. When you do, appologize to your family and avoid acting this way in the future. Your children will learn from your apology that even mom has big emotions sometimes and needs to take a moment to calm down.

You have an incredible opportunity to help your child’s brain develop with the skills to handle emotions and challenges.

You have the ability to help your children become successful, rational and respectful people. They need your guidance and the most amazing thing is that you will learn a lot about yourself, becoming a better version of you in the process.

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