Weeks 1 and 2 Round-Up

I follow our league closely, too closely, and therefore I feel like I have granted myself fair license to hand down affirmation and condemnation with the power of my keystrokes. I would like everyone to include comments and thoughtpieces of their own, so please sign in and add to the dialogue so as these words do not float in the vaccuum of shitbloggery.

On to some analysis!

For the sake of chronology and writing in res medias, I will gloss over Week 1 happenings in the context of the much fresher Week Dos. Thomas Sucks Balls (0–2, 127 points) and ShowMe TheTDs (1–1, 183) slugged things out in a crossgenerational Loyola mathch-up that saw extremely poor scoring. Andrew Bland maintains some weak stature in the overall rankings, holding current season records for least points overall and least points in a game. Oof! Josh Lewis scored the 8th most points in the league this week; it is a small miracle that he is not 0–2. Bless him. However, he scores 0 creativity points for owning a variant of the most common fantasy team name.


My insider status has made me privy to some facts about Bland’s run game: 4 yards a piece for Jamaal Charles and Knowshown Moreno will yield 0 points. Both are now injured, so do not expect Bland’s Week 3 match-up against Max Leach to be much of a turnaround.

Balls in Lace (1–1, 180) came down to earth from a well-earned Week 1 win at the expense of fellow superscorer Matt Carpowich. The Woogie-helmed and derisionally-named squad Hoagie Sucks a Lot (1–1, 165) bested Bob boldly by blasting a bounty of teedees from Peyton Manning and Arian Foster.

RSF Hairy Muffins (2–0, 211) leads the league in scoring despite a late evening of partying and an ill-advised profile picture update. Trim My Balls (0–2, 155) could not overcome the shame of losing a $20 wager the previous week, nor the compounding shame of the Niners going down to Jay Cutler in the 4th quarter.

Jay Cutler walks the dog of his wife (and MTV reality star) Kristen Cavallari on the beautiful streets of Chicago.

At one point on Sunday afternoon, ESPN’s (very inaccurate) projection algorithm predicted that Team Slater (2–0, 192) would score 155 points. While that did not happen, JP remains unbeaten, and his decision to not draft RGIII in the first round looks to have paid off. Max’s Norton Hears Who is right in the hunt for most mediocre in the league (1–1, 170).

Viewed with a critically neutral lens, the game of the week is clearly my (2–0, 210) match-up with Evan Malone-White. Graham Crackers (0–2, 173) bounced back from a horrendous Week 1. This jump was fueled largely by Jimmy Graham being Jimmy Graham and a Patriots defense that bamboozled a MN offense lacking in the number one player in the league. This match came down to the wire, with 6 total players in the SNF game, and it ended up being TE Martellus Bennett with the difference (Carlos Hyde with 0 yards did not aid Evan’s cause, either).

For ya’ll defenders of constitutional freedoms, and the right to raise yer child as ya’ll see fit: you do not want to die on this hill. All Day will see his day in court, but he fucking whipped his 4-year old son on the nutsack, and is thus undeserving of a hearing in the court of public opinion. He’s going to jail; shame on John Hogan for autopicking him first overall.

These pictures were taken seven days ex post facto. Should he not play any part of this season, it’ll be a real “ballbuster” for Trim My Balls.


Positive Awards! Yay!

Best Flex Decision: Julian Edelman, Team Slater

Any time you can squeeze a TD from the Chance spot in your line-up, you’ll probably win this award. Maybe JP analyzed the abilities of the Vikings’ secondary beforehand and made the right call, but who knows?

Best Waiver Pickup: Zach Ertz, Balls in Lace

This is more of a negative award, because even though Ertz picked up 86 yards receiving tonight, Bob starts Julius Thomas. A warning to the shitty teams to start snooping the wires.

Biggest Weekly Scoring Increase: Graham Crackers

It’s a pity Evan had to lose to me because he went from 65 points to 108 points but oh well I had the most points this week hahaha.

Negative Awards! Boo!

Worst Benching: Darren Sproles, ShowMe TheTDs

C’mon bro, Sproles is a fantasy workhorse. He’s there on every Drew Brees screen and dump-off, and although he isn’t the number one rushing option (26 yards on foot), he picks up mad yardage in the passing game. Considering that you had Shane Vereen (4 points) and Reggie Wayne (2) in, this a costly mistake. Doesn’t matter if you picked up the win.

Special shout-out to Bob on this one, too, even though no one could have predicted Cutler (25) going for 4 TDs on 23–34, 176ish yards. WTF. Would have won your game though.

Terrible Handcuff Choice: Carlos Hyde, Graham Crackers

Now that I’m looking at his bench, Evan has not one RB worthy of mention who could have gone in for pobre Carlos. Bishop Sankey (a real person?) had 2 carries for 3 yards, so I guess Evan’s choice, which I initially believed to be a savvy move to swallow up goal line touchdowns, was a matter of desperation. Deeper concerns remain: why does he have 3 quarterbacks? This question may appear in an upcoming interview with the commish. I knew I would win this game when the first score was a Michael Crabtree reception from 3 yards out; it was effectively I who handicapped Evan and shrewdly won my way to the victory.

Biggest Bummer: Seattle D/ST, Thomas Sucks Balls

Thomas isn’t even in our league, yet Bland was compelled enough by Thomas’ presumable negative influence in our draft to designate his crew with a sexually demeaning moniker. It was the typically stout Seahawks D that “sucked balls” on Sunday, netting Andrew -1 points for their depantsing at the hands of Carp’s hometown boys. Nothing much you can do about this one except take you 56 points and walk home with your head hanging. Hopefully Thomas’ ballsucking can be applied positively this week to the tender wounds of AP’s spawn.

Stay tuned for a Week 3 preview! I have to do homework now.