Will trade chores for your vote

Not going to exercise your right to vote? Please, allow me.

Dear America,

As an Englishman and resident legal alien, I’m not allowed to take part in your up-coming Presidential election.

This is unfortunate, as it means that I’m reduced to the role of anxious bystander in the ongoing car-crash that has been your political discourse, in which a clearly over-qualified candidate who has committed the grave sin of being a dramatically competent, slightly frosty-looking woman with a lax policy to email is struggling to best an orange fascist with tiny hands and zero policy or experience who is FUCKING TERRIFYING.

However, I know that despite the above, large parts of the electorate, particularly people of around my age, are seriously considering not voting, as they consider this to be ‘a protest vote’.

Response: “The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who in time of moral crisis preserve their neutrality” — Dante Aligieri

(See also: Switzerland during WW2).

What’s ironic is that neglecting to vote or participate in the political discourse of your country in an election like this is a remarkable act of futurecasting, as I’m pretty sure that if you don’t, your future will be one in which you have even less of a say in how your country is run.

The one thing I can offer, and offer with some confidence and assurance, both as an Englishman who’s just watched Brexit happen, and as a European who grew up learning about the consequences of exactly this kind of leadership, is that you are making a big mistake.

I say this with some confidence because the Republican Candidate on the ballot has advocated violence against protestors at his rallies, building a wall with Mexico, refuses to acknowledge any outfavourable outcome of the democratic process, and is currently chummy with a Russian Despot. He also has terrible hair. Historically, none of these tend to be great indicators of a quality future leadership or robust democratic discourse.

So, if you’re the sort of apathetic twat that is registered and eligible to vote, and you’re seriously considering not voting because you know Trump is a terrible human being but don’t think Hilary is terribly funny or interesting, can I borrow your vote?

I’m sure that there’s probably a family or two from Aleppo in Syria who would like to use it, as their future depends on it.

I’m sure there’s probably a lot of Latino-Americans without voting rights who would like to use it.

I’m sure there are lots of British people used to seeing America as an example to the rest of the world — even when their own country is falling apart — that would dearly love to use it to atone for Brexit.

I’m sure that there are lots of people in traditionally Republican states who have been wrongly struck off the electoral roll for being black or Hispanic, who would really love to use it.

Given that we now live in The Sharing Economy, where un-used houses become AirBnB properties, and un-used cars become Ubers, it seems only fitting that we create a new sharing system for unused votes.

The Terms of The Contract:

In exchange for being allowed to accompany you to the polling booth and put your previously un-used and wasted ‘protest’ vote to good use, I will offer in exchange ONE of the below:

5 Car Washes

5 full days of child-care

5 days of dog walking and dog-sitting (competent with all breeds, Beagles a specialty).

Sexual Favours (number and quality of acts to be discussed and confirmed subject to physical attractiveness of voting respondent).

Sub-Clause: Residence in a swing state (Nevada, Florida) entitles potential respondents to TWO of the above.

If you know anyone to whom the above offer might seem vaguely appealing, please put me in touch - I’ll probably be found outside a polling station on voting day.

Yours Sincerely,

Michael J Hines.