IT’S NOT ALWAYS THE BIG STUFF
Dealing With All the Little Things in Life
When Reality Gets Overwhelming
The big stuff is relatively easy to deal with. My 90-year-old mother passed away in December 2019. I had the support of my Temple and the Lubavitch Hassidim in my mourning; I had the help of my sobriety group. And I got through it.
However, I go crazy over the small stuff. Often one issue in isolation is enough for me to handle, but when it happens day upon day, or something comes at me all at once, I freak out. I start getting very upset and cutting people’s heads off.
One recent example was cell phones. I tried to buy one from T-Mobile, but their customer service drove me to look to switch. Their mall store had no seats. After half an hour standing while my salesman was on hold, I sat on the floor. After another 15 minutes, when nobody helped me or offered me a chair, I ran across the way to the AT&T store. After two hours of setting up my line, they changed the terms at once. Plus, their customer service phone guy was such an idiot I had to run out of the store for some immediate, primal scream therapy.
Apple could not get my address straight. So, I dumped them. Xfinity Mobile got my order wrong and shipped me with the wrong phone I had to return. I lost my cool. My frustrations boiled over repeatedly. My sobriety was in danger. I talked to my sponsor, who told me to “shut the fuck up and smoke.” A beautiful expression of unconditional love. So, I did, and it worked.
A while back, it was fast-food restaurants, the mundane. Today, I found out that my pharmacy forgot to include my bipolar medication in my pill pack, and I had gone 5 days without. My psychiatrist recommended I take a Klonopin. I was crying and could hardly speak. Only by luck did I find the error. I feel better having had to take a benzo, but my mom was not worth popping benzos over. COVID-19 was what got me started again. That daily fear has been rough.
I need to step back when this happens. I usually cannot do that. My wife can spot my frustration (and voice) rising, and she signals me to pump the brakes. My sponsor tells me in her own colorful way to relax. My psychiatrist tells me to relax. I take a chill pill if necessary, and I break out the weed.
I must put things in perspective. Take the iPhone example. I need to realize that I have an excellent iPhone that I could easily use instead. I should be grateful that I woke up relatively healthy, with a roof over my head and food in my belly, and I have enough for a new iPhone on top of that. My “problems” are really no big deal if I do not get worked up by them.
I must realize that I have no control over the mobile phone service providers or that they are bloated oligopolies. I only have control over what lies between my ears. I can decide not to let people or problems reside in my head rent-free.
I must live in the moment. I cannot afford to be upset for long. Anger leads to fear. Fear leads to drinking. After hanging up from a phone company, I can decide whether I want to let the anger go. Or if I should hang on to the anger and savor it for a while. What benefit would that bring to me? Nothing! So, I need to let it go. Make up my mind not to upgrade my phone and to move on.
Once I hang up, at that moment, all is well. For example, at this moment, my wife is watching an old sitcom and looking up art on her computer. I am writing an article for Medium. I have a cold drink and my bong. Fresh flower. My guitar. I have no reason to be upset to the point where I crave a drink because of it.
And I need friends to remind me of this. When I help other people deal with these issues, I hear myself give this friendly advice, and I try to follow it more myself. If McDonald’s screws up my order again, I have to let it slide like water off a duck’s back.
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