California Sober
I Survived My Worst Scare in Four Years Sober!
I Had Cravings Like I Have Not Had in Months
I have had the experience of trying to quit drinking since November 2009. I learned from experiences that the type of significant traumas one thinks one cannot get through without drinking are more manageable than when all the little shit piles up. My life is finally returning to normal from just one such beautiful example of a period of danger to my sobriety.
My health turned my whole life upside down just after Thanksgiving. Unrelated to everything, I drastically scaled back on my psych meds in October — under the supervision of a very experienced and well-qualified psychiatrist. Then my life started to unravel earlier in November when my best friend from law school died suddenly. Thanksgiving brought more bad news about a family member our age’s health. On November 30th, I had to hear myself tell the ER nurse that I may have had a heart attack.
I was in the hospital until December 3rd because I had a complete heart block. My pulse had dropped to 45. I was also developing my annual upper-respiratory infection.
A filling I got in tooth number 8 four years ago got infected. I also needed to get a root canal, apparently, which I did this Monday, December 20th. The worst part was getting nothing but antibiotics, Anbesol, Tylenol, Aleve, and Motrin before the root canal. I was in pain that radiated up my face. I was also wearing a cardiac harness that’s been pulling out thin layers of skin on my hairy chest. I was losing my patience and temper, and the thought of a legal analgesic named Jack Daniels started calling me from the local package store. Right on schedule. Son of a bitch.
So I called and videoconferenced with friends and attended virtual meetings of MARA (Medication-Assisted Recovery Anonymous) and GRASS (Green Recovery and Sobriety Support). I picked back up my addiction to going to meetings. I went to two or more meetings a day.
I ate a lot of weed. A relapse on alcohol is a clear and present danger. I snuck in Rick Simpson Oil edibles in the hospital and just plain edibles outside. While waiting to see my cardiologists in Boston on the 10th, I rolled 12 doobies. I have three left. I had to go easy on smoking and vaping with my upper respiratory infection. But it also helped expel the fluids in my lungs, or as my friend likes to say, “toss the occasional lung cookie.”
I had to avoid all news, instead reducing myself to a steady diet of football and cartoons. I watched a lot of stupid shows.
My wife has had to put up with a lot of emotional volatility on my part. I had to resist the urge to isolate and wallow in my self-pity and instead get my emotions out in public. At times I would weep for my friend. At times I would cry in irrational fears relating to my prognosis. My wife is a saint. But she also made clear that she would not tolerate me drinking. That has helped to save me, without a doubt.
On January 12th, I am going in for heart surgery. Until then, we are only keeping our New Years’ Eve plans intact in a year of many canceled plans. But the urge to drink is gone this morning. I survived another bout.
My wish is for a gentler 2022!
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