Getting Back on Your Feet
If at First, You Don’t Succeed, Try, Try Again
Kindergarten Lesson Applies to Staying Sober
I was a “chronic relapser” to the point that people in the rooms of my Twelve Step program started to shun me. They would say that I did not desire to stop. Both are awful things to do and to speak to a newcomer. But a simple lesson from kindergarten helped me get to the point where I am nearly four years sober now. As I wrote in the title, that advice was, “If at first, you don’t succeed, Try, Try Again.”
Many of us read the classic children’s book about the “Little Train That Could,” that after repeated tries, finally made it to the top of the mountain, chugging, “I think I can, I think I can.” Optimism runs through American culture, “It’s morning in America” and “Yes We Can” are famous slogans. This attitude is necessary for sobriety or recovery from any addiction.
A tiny percentage of those with alcohol or other substance use disorders suddenly stop using their poisons for the rest of their lives without any reoccurrence of the use of the forbidden substance.
Relapses have been a valuable part of my recovery. No matter how much the veterans told me, I was seemingly incapable of learning lessons “at someone else’s expense.” I had to experience repeated failures to learn lessons myself.
At first, I did not love myself, which is a requirement for sobriety as well. I had some true friends who continued to believe in me until I could love myself and believe in myself. You not only need to love yourself; you have to have hope and optimism to “stay stopped.” Again, that kindergarten mentality has to come into play. “I think I can. I think I can” is an excellent motto for you.
They say in the rooms: “keep coming back.” Unfortunately, people use this as a polite way of telling someone (based on their share) that they are a mess and need help. That’s why I would instead phrase my advice by the kindergarten slogan. Plus, it is not about going to meetings. The real issue is to stop taking your poison.
I learned a valuable lesson from several of my past sponsors. Don’t feel guilty about relapses. They are not “failures” because “alcoholics drink — that’s what most of us do.” Instead, every reoccurrence of use is an opportunity to learn a lesson. You will not benefit from bashing yourself for relapsing. You have a mental illness, and recurrences happen to most people. What are you going to learn?
It took me years to internalize this: I have alcohol use disorder, and therefore I cannot control my drinking. When I plan to have two beers (something which sober people never think of), sometimes I can have two and walk away. Other times I ended up having twelve beers and two shots of whiskey for good measure. I came to the understanding that while I did not get into trouble every time I got drunk, every time I got into trouble, I had been drinking. It follows from all this that “I cannot have one drink.” Why it took me years to learn this introductory lesson is a testament to my denial abilities.
It is not easy coming back to stopping your poison after a trip to the well, but you can do it with the right attitude. Do not be embarrassed by the fact that you relapsed or beat yourself up. As I said, using comes naturally to people with use disorders. That is what the disease is all about. Do not worry about what people will think of you when you go back to your sober friends.
The fact is that while you were gone, they did not think about you because — let’s face the facts — you are not as important to other people as much as you think you are. You need to realize that other people’s opinion of you is irrelevant. Besides, every time someone comes back from a relapse, most fellow addicts will treat you as a newcomer and hug you.
So, first, you need to realize that you have an illness that requires not one sip of your poison. This rule follows the earlier realization that you cannot control your drinking or negative consequences once you have that first drink. Therefore, “If at first, you don’t succeed, try, try again” is not a slogan. Internalizing that message is a life or death matter for people like us.
After I had two years and four months of total abstinence, I got bored with my life in “recovery” and the “meetings,” I went out and drank for two years.
I did not stop drinking again until I had to do so to take care of my Mom. Before that, I managed to fall on a curb and chip my teeth, and I took a trip by Uber to a bar and had no recollection other than receipts. So, I stopped. This time I experimented with numerous harm reduction methods. Most did not work.
But I always said that if I could have total access to weed, I would stay sober. That turns out to have hit the nail on the head, and with that, I have stayed sober for nearly four years. I am no longer a chronic relapser. I have faith you can say the same.
