My Personal Formula to Quit Drinking
I have been “California Sober” for nearly four years, my record
Hello, my name is Joe, and I’m diagnosed with bipolar I disorder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), polysubstance use disorder, alcohol use disorder, Insulin-dependent Type 2 diabetes, Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy, and high blood pressure. Despite never being a very healthy person, I partied all my life. I became a lawyer at age 23 in 1988, after graduating from Stanford Law School. I practiced in California, next in New Mexico, first at a big firm with an EAP and then at a small firm without one.
After that, my first wife divorced me after 23 years together and I went off the deep end. I got arrested for felony terroristic threats while in the throws of my first diagnosed manic episode (at age 37). I took time off from the practice of law and got on some heavy psych medications, including benzodiazepines and anti-psychotic medications. I started getting heavily into cocaine, then crack and as the Pat Travers song goes, I was “snortin’ whiskey and drinkin’ cocaine,” which go together like a bagel and cream cheese.
Of course, I did not limit myself to bourbon whiskey, mostly the fancy stuff like Blanton’s and Maker’s Mark, I drank single malt scotches and 100% pure agave añejo tequila. I drank only microbrews. In short, I never got down to drinking cheap vodka or fortified wine. I also had a house and car to the end (I almost went homeless in early recovery). In short, I had trouble identifying with people in AA because their backgrounds were different from mine. It took me years to be able to see the common emotions and processes that underly our disease.
I bottomed out in New Orleans on Halloween 2009. I woke up at Charity Hospital with a .386 blood-alcohol level, nearly 5 times the legal driving limit in most places, and enough to kill most people. When I got back home, my psychiatrist told me to go to AA meetings. I immediately and without hesitation raised my hand and said “My name is Joe, and I’m an alcoholic.” I no longer identify that way. I have recovered, meaning the diseases I have are in remission. I have been a member of AA and NA continuously since November 2009. I haven’t touched crack since 2009, or any cocaine since 2012. But I did not get continuous abstinence from alcohol until 2018. Here’s what I learned.
Having read ALL of the AA Conference-approved literature, it is clear that AA does not resemble the early days. The Big Book does not talk about “sponsorship.” That was introduced in the “12 and 12” which I no longer follow. The Big Book says nothing about medallions, yet people go crazy over them, making rules as to whether you can still pick up a medallion. What if you accidentally sipped alcohol? What if you toked a joint passed to you at a concert? Who cares?
I relapsed on alcohol more times than I could count from 2009 to 2018, each time on alcohol, not marijuana. But in “sobriety” I was “abstaining from all mind and mood-altering substances,” which is a phrase from NA that is NOT in the Big Book of AA. Yet in AA rooms you hear constantly that if you smoke weed you cannot call yourself “sober.” These echo the time, not too long ago, when old-timers at AA would say if you use psych meds, you are not sober. Several people committed suicide because of that.
Fortunately, in 2018 I chose a sponsor who was young and who had depression and was on psych meds. I explained to him that while I was abstaining from alcohol, I was using medical marijuana, and three of my doctors knew that and knew about my addictions. He agreed that this was an outside issue between me, God, and my doctor. He took me through the 12 Step Program of AA. I owe my sobriety to that. Although I was prescribed marijuana for glaucoma and PTSD and anxiety, it works better than heavy pharmaceuticals. What I have since learned is that if I get the strong urge to drink, in addition to taking all the steps my sponsor taught me (pray, call a friend, go to a meeting), I found that taking a few hits of vapor from my desk vaporizer pretty much kills the cravings. I call this “California Sober,” a term I did not invent. Hundreds of us are gathering online, and growth has increased during the pandemic.
With marijuana, I have far exceeded the length of continuous abstinence from alcohol. I am “trying everything” possible to avoid a drink. AA has contempt before investigation when it comes to medical marijuana, and they are already losing many young members. The future of sobriety is “California Sober.” Why do people assume that if you are sober from alcohol and smoke weed you will relapse on hard drugs. First, that is just not true. Second, it’s the other way around. If you take my weed away, based on my history, I would be more likely to relapse, and I refuse to do that.
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