The Opposite of Fear and Selfishness
Practice Love and Gratitude
Develop a Discipline of Writing a Gratitude List and Meditating on Love
Actions speak louder than words. Like me, people with alcohol use disorder (“AUD,” formerly “alcoholism”) or polysubstance use disorder (“SUD,” once “drug addiction”) tend to have changed because of these poisons’ effects on the brain. These changes can produce a variety of emotional and personality traits. If we want to change them, we need to change our focus. The principle here is that you cannot easily change your emotions or mood. Still, you can plan activities that will lead you to better emotions and a happier spirit.
We are all familiar with the belligerent drunk immediately affected by alcohol and filled with rage in the short term. We may know someone in late-stage AUD where the sufferer gets “wet brain,” a form of brain damage. Some users get paranoid — filled with fear and anxiety. People with AUD and SUD are often afraid of the world at large and cannot deal with the world until they try their poison and are magically hip. We also develop selfish tendencies, the result of our exploding egos.
Reading about staying sober helps very little, experienced clean and sober people will tell you. You need to undertake actions. Here, I am going to talk about two of my practices. Meditating on love and writing gratitude lists. These can help you stay in the moment, with love and gratitude, and break you out of the cycle of fear, anger, resentment, and self-centeredness (ego mania).
In other words, I have found that if I am living in negativity, I need to undertake an action that forces me in the right direction. I want to avoid throwing a “pity party” for myself, where I say, “poor me, poor me, pour me a drink.” I also want to avoid a brainstorm of anger and resentment — at particular people, larger groups, and of course, the world. When that happens to me, I tend to drink to fuel my anger. But I need to realize that the people I am upset with either do not know I am angry or are happy I’m mad. Your emotions will follow your deeds and begin to change.
Anger, selfishness, fear, hate, and resentment are all things that can cause me to drink poison. I simply cannot afford to dwell in those emotions. Dwell in the present , not the past or future, during which there is love and gratitude. The way to get there is through the two practices I am about to discuss.
Fear and anxiety are about the future usually. I remember when I was diagnosed with skin cancer. The biopsy had not even been analyzed by the lab, and already my mind jumped to the worst-case scenario, and I was worried I might lose my nose. Similarly, I have diabetic foot problems, so I fear losing afoot, although no doctor ever told me. But fear and anxiety permeate everything. What if that mistake gets discovered, and I am disciplined on the job? It’s enough to make your head spin.
Anger and resentment keep you focused on the past. Bitterness is just feeling anger toward someone over and over — usually for days on end. The boss, a former lover, and political disputes all fuel this feeling. But if you search those feelings, you will find you are stewing over something in the past. Here’s the tricky part about the history — you cannot change it! If you think about someone, you have to face the facts. They have probably moved on and do not think about you anymore. Broader parts of society certainly do not know you exist. So you drink to show that you are angry at them, but you are only hurting yourself.
Here’s my practice. I wake up in the morning, pour a cup of coffee, light a joint, and pull out a pen and legal pad. I then write out at least ten items for which I am grateful. I try not to copy everything from the day before. Today’s list: “I am thankful:
(1) For being six feet over instead of six feet under (I say this every day because it is a prayer for me to say — so I write ten originals);
(2) That I woke up next to my terrific wife, whom I love;
(3) That my podiatrist did not send me to wound care;
(4) That I got to watch a great Dead & Co. show on nugs.tv;
(5) That I can afford to take care of myself;
(6) That I can care for myself despite my mental illness;
(7) That I am feeling at peace;
(8) That I am not letting the television news affect me emotionally;
(9) That I have a roof overhead, had a delicious dinner last night and plenty of delicious food and drinks in the fridge;
(10) That I am not going to the hospital today; and
(11) That I feel like writing on Medium, which is one of my goals.
Next, I do a short meditation. That is a loaded word, and I do not do anything fancy or according to any meditation “tradition.” Some people call it “breath work,” but I also use imagery. Call it what you will; I start by taking a few deep breaths through my bong. Then I close my eyes and breathe a series of deep breaths, this time focusing on my breathing. I bring myself into a state of mind by repeating some mantra. Something like “breathe in relaxation, breathe out stress.” When I am relaxed, I start my visualization.
I start by getting in touch with whatever love I have for myself (if you are still here, you at least love yourself enough to take care of yourself to this point). I then picture the “love” (sometimes a big red heart) expanding from myself — first to my wife, then my family and friends, then my community, the nation, and the whole world. By that point, I am feeling unconditional brotherly love toward everyone. Is this realistic? Fuck no. But that does not matter. Just feeling the love is what matters.
Gratitude and love are emotions of the present. Some would say, “God lives in the present,” which must be what they mean. The more I live in gratitude and love, my anger has become seldom and short-lived, I do not fear much except for healthy fears, and my hate and resentment have faded away. I hope you find these exercises as fulfilling and as much a part of staying sober as I do. Or whatever is your goal in life. I have found this practice is key to my happiness. Do you have other daily happiness routines? I would love to hear about your experiences.
