Running to Stand Still
Why do I put pressure on myself? For what? What’s the hurry?
I Have To Stop Getting “All Worked Up” Over Nothing
I had resigned from the California State Bar last year, but I picked up an awful habit from practicing on my own that I now have to work to rid myself of the habit actively.
I am constantly pushing myself, setting goals for the day, getting upset at my lack of “progress” toward my goals. I act as if I am genuinely “going somewhere” or in some hurry to get things done.
When I open my eyes, step back and watch what I am doing, I realize that I am acting like I am working for some boss/judge/client who does not exist for me anymore.
All I care about is my wife and me, and we are doing fine, thank you. I recently survived heart surgery and am now mainly over that painful period when I got close to losing my sobriety.
I have projects. I write articles for Medium. I used to push myself to write something every day and publish it, even if it’s crap. It feeds the great Algorithm that determines my pay on Medium.
“Fortune Favors the Frequent” is Medium’s motto. The stress of providing the Algorithm every day was unhealthy. I decided I don’t work for a fucking algorithm.
I am now focussing on “self-care.” I have taken a month off writing my book. I think it’s healthy.
To re-adjust my mental state, I have been ingesting a lot of cannabis indica, and the plant teaches me to relax, slow down and take naps.
Mostly, I have to tell myself: I am retired. I have no “boss,” either internal or external, that I have to satisfy. I don’t have to please my mother or father; may their memory be a blessing. My wife is not expecting me to bring in a new income stream from my writing. I write for myself, and I need to keep it that way.
I have to learn that I no longer work for myself and don’t have to live that way anymore.
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