Anatomy of a Toxic Relationship: Part II


by Anonymous

Out of Your Mouth | Into My Head

“When I didn’t reply to his messages, immediately, he got really upset. He sent me apology msgs until 7:30 a.m. He apologized for this morning’s outburst but I know it’ll happen again — it always does. Rince [sic] and repeat. Every time I try to talk to him about how I’m feeling, he tells me that I make him feel like he’s not good enough. Then he gets angry with me for not being honest with him. I wish I could cry but the pain is burried [sic] down so deep and I can feel it. It’s almost like wishing you could throw up so you can feel better.”
“You shouldn’t follow your gut. It seems to take you to terrible places. I don’t think you fully understand your own motives.”
I don’t know why you seem to think you’re so special. You mean a lot to me on a very deep level. You’re so fucking selfish. You don’t care about me. I’m sorry that I’m crazy sometimes. I know you love me. I was just mad. My family would hate you if you left me. I didn’t mean what I said. You know that. You wouldn’t know something good if it hit you in the face. Please come home. It’s your fault that I’m so angry. I don’t like the people you hang out with. I never said that. Do you have any idea how dumb that sounds? Whenever I don’t respond, it’s because you asked something really dumb. What would people think of you if they knew you like I do? You’re bad at relationships. I’m sorry I was hurtful. I apologize for my anger. I apologize for my freakout. You know I love you, right? I don’t know why you believe all the terrible things I say. I don’t want to deal with your crying right now.”
“I didn’t say much. I was trying not to respond. I’m so sick and tired of responding — always carefully calculating my words so not to make the situation worse.”
“I want to stay because it’s comfortable and familiar, but I feel so shut down and small. I’m tired of him blaming me for his lack of engagement and enthusiasm. I’m tired of feeling like there’s something wrong with me.”

Now you’re gone and I don’t love you anymore. But your words still stick to me and I can’t quite shake them off.

And now I’ve built these walls around my heart because I’m afraid to let anyone in.

I don’t want to feel that pain again.

Not even the kindest man can put me at ease,

because when we first began, you were kind to me too.

Read Anatomy of a Toxic Relationship: Part I and Part III.