A Taylor Swift Love Story

The views of Big Sur on our right made it hard to focus on where I needed to go and nearly passed it with Cai almost asleep next to me. I slowed towards our hotel destination on the left, pulling into a steep hotel drive that shared the view. Out our room’s window, through tall luscious trees, we could see a stunning moody scene at the beach. The sound of waves crashing into the cliffside were all I needed.

As we unpacked for our one night (we never stayed at one place longer than a night) I put on Taylor Swift’s new album that had just come out that hour. The first line was predictive of what was to come. “I’m doing good, I’m on some new shit,” she hooks the listener right at the kickoff of her surprise album.

I knew this was the end of the relationship I had poured myself into. I knew I was about to start a new beginning. I knew it would also be as beautiful as the scenery I was in awe of, even if all that I sat with was sadness.

Exhausted from a half a week of driving, this day from San Fransisco, I collapsed in my bed to prepare myself for another start.

There are so many albums that I can listen to that take me right back to where I was when I listened to it. What I was going through, the exact place I was when I first played it and what was weighing on me or bringing me to life.

Damien Rice’s first album ‘O’ was in Cardiff, Wales sitting at the train station with my now ex-wife. David Gray’s first album with ‘Babylon’ was in my Sony Discman with anti-skip on as I walked the streets of Chicago for the first time when I was nineteen. U2’s ‘All That You Can’t Leave Behind’ was sitting in my very first office when I was an intern at the church (doesn’t just feel like a lifetime ago, but another life) and I jammed that album out much to the annoyance of everyone around me. I think the closest person to my age was 20 years older. I remember my first CD I got in my first car. I had just gotten a CD player installed in my new Mazda pickup truck and I while I waited for the installation at Best Buy, I carefully chose which would be the first to fill the empty space. So I chose Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Left of the Middle’, mostly because I thought she was hot as hell (and still do) and it turned out to be an incredible album, beyond the big ‘Torn’ single.

I want to drive away with you
I want your complications too
I want your dreary Mondays
Wrap your arms around me, baby boy

About a year ago I remember being where it all started. The gym. Sharing looks after being together for a short time, sharing our favorites from Taylor Swift’s new album ‘Lover’ as we gave each other sending texts about how hot the other looked.

She was the hot girl on the bike that I admired from afar for 6 months. One day I forced myself to not leave without talking to her. I got her name, but the eye contact stopped for the next since months. But I was proud of myself. Six months later I was in Pensacola, Florida visiting my close friends who were sitting at the dining table with drinks, with a topic that bored me out of my mind. Church. I pulled out the Hinge app, that I had tried to deactivate earlier that week, and the first thing that comes up is a message from that girl. No. fucking. way.

And you wanna scream
Don’t call me “kid,” don’t call me “baby”
Look at this godforsaken mess that you made me
You showed me colors you know I can’t see with anyone else

A few days later, she was walking up the steps on the top deck of El Alma, white shirt and sunglasses, to sit down with me. In that two hours, I fell hard for her. I always felt like everyone around me wished they were me. She was never really someone I thought I could be with. I had talked to her just to make myself proud. But here she was.

About a year went by. It was filled with beauty, confusion, growth and me learning about what I want and need in a relationship. As fucking great as it was at times, it also fucking broke me. Sometimes you know at the beginning what will be the end. That’s how this was. But I hoped against what I couldn’t control. I hoped that the things I worked to get over, the things I tried so fucking hard to ignore, wouldn’t be our downfall. When I ignored them, they were great…for her. When I didn’t, the walls only grew fast past where we could see each other on the other side.

I knew you’d linger like a tattoo kiss. I knew you’d haunt all of my what-if’s

Fast forward to Taylor Swift’s surprise album Folklore. I gave all of myself to that relationship. So it shouldn’t have surprised me that when it ended, I felt like a huge part of me was gone. All those little things. The names. The brunches. The Sunday night dinners. The 3am calls with a bad dream. The snacks from Thai Fresh or peach rings. The ways we knew each other better than anyone else. The little notes. Beating Super Mario World and watching her Tetris skills. Hearing ‘I love you’ (or sometimes her version of it) and feeling it, letting it comfort me as I laid my head on my pillow. Those were the hardest, still the hardest, to say goodbye to. So, as I drove around California listening to Taylor Swift’s new album, I think of the long drives of 4–6 hours to our next destination where I knew it was ending. The song Exile soon became my anthem.

The bookend to a true Taylor Swift relationship. Swift, some serious heartbreak, with a glimmer of something beautiful.

This was my first actual relationship after my divorce. So maybe this was extra hard. But I walked away determined to grow stronger from it, take big learnings about myself, both in trusting myself as well as being open to be uncomfortable and work on more than a few things, some corners in my life that I had tucked away.

You were my town, now I’m in exile, seein’ you out
I think I’ve seen this film before

Before I put my recovery plan in full effect, two things had to happen. First is that I had to get to the point where I didn’t want the relationship. I needed to want myself back more. The second thing is that I had to take the initiative to be happy. Not wait for it. So I’ve been doing five tangible things (outside spending a lot more time in the gym and lake trail, determined to be in the best shape of my life-nothing beats breakup progress 🤘🏼) that not just make me happy, but give me fucking joy. Like antsy excitement. Giddy happiness. The same I had when I first got into that relationship where everything was new and I wanted to talk about her all the time. (Sorry Rudy and D and so many more)

1. Piano. This has always been something just so far out of reach for me. Coordinating two hands and learning, what my piano teacher, Valdone says, is a completely new language. I listen to music and I am in awe of the piano. I didn’t have a clue. Today I was playing the song at the top from Taylor Swift. Tomorrow I begin work on *the song that I have always come back to as the song that makes me want to learn piano. The Scientist by Coldplay. It’s one of 10 songs I’ve given Valdone that I was to work towards. Then I told her after that I want to keep going. It also doesn’t hurt that she looks like Kiera Knightly, but I don’t let it distract me from my hour of intense learning. She just so happens to be an amazing teacher to boot and it’s just fun as hell. Every week after finishing my lesson I’m ready to take on the world. I always felt like there was this voice telling me there was joy there and I ignored it because I was afraid. Not anymore.
2. RIDE spin class. This is something I got into about 5 years ago when i was early in my separation. It takes me to a new place. I walk away feeling new, refreshed, like I just got out of therapy. I started doing it again in this last relationship, but she bowed out and I just thought, man, I loved that. I need that. So I’ve been doing that weekly and absolutely loving it. Next to my hour of piano, it’s an hour that I look forward to all week.
3. Stand up paddle on Lake Austin. I can see the lake from my balcony and next to my apartment complex I can jump straight on the trail around the lake. But it came to me. I want to be out there, taking this all in and having that therapy on the water. So I ordered a badass board and am working it into every weekend and loving it.
4. Brunch Sundays! This is something I used to do with Cai a couple years ago. It’s how I discovered one of my favorite spots Forthright. So I thought I’d get back to it. There’s only one rule. It has to be somewhere I’ve never been. There’s a long list of places I’ve been wanting to try out. So when it comes to Sunday, this is the day. But I can always revisit any favorites I stumble upon on other days. I’m going to try and bring someone each time. Whether it’s Cai or a friend or even both. So if you want to join me, let me know!
5. Camikaze. The last thing that I lost was this. My writing outlet. Now I wrote this past year, a lot. Probably more than ever. But it was all about the relationship I was in, as I struggled to give it everything I could and learn to give the things I didn’t know how to give. When I go to my google docs, it’s flooded with my struggle. But I’m changing that. Getting back to me and writing about things that make me happy, things that I’m uncomfortable with and things that stir something in me. I’ve got two huge ones coming up. One that I’ve been terrified to share. One that I’ve been fucking giddy about sharing.

As a little bonus, there’s this.

These five things are what I look forward to the most each week and it’s breathing new life in me. Because I’m not waiting around for healing. I’m fucking chasing after it. I’m not one to stay in the shallow end. I have to be all in or not at all.

One of the many people who have put up with my breakup therapy has been my friend Laura, who recently went through a breakup for many of the same reasons. She said something that I keep reminding myself. First she asked what energy I was intentionally trying to put out in the universe. I told her a few things. Authenticity is always my first. I want people to know that what they see is what they get. I won’t be different depending on my context and who I’m around. They can expect the same from me. Second was kindness. I want to see the best in people not be critical of the worst. Third was adventure. I want to find joy and fun in life and want to live it up. I want to soak in all that I can. These three things I would tell myself every day, set to an alarm. This is what I wanted to put out there.

Next she told me that if I’m putting that out there, that’s what I can expect back.

Music gives a voice to our stories. Now there are new songs.

Her song. My song. My friend’s song to me. (all songs I’m learning on piano) It has picked me up, given me something to yell in my car. Something to make me feel like tomorrow will be better. Let me know that I’m not the only one. It’ll be alright.

Next week:
Forty and Fourteen
(This is a blog I’ve been wanting to be able to share for a while)