DEFINING OURSELVES

It’s taken me a long time to really come to terms with and partially understand a very valuable life lesson that I think one can only learn through adversity. I’m not quite sure how to put it into words but I am going to try…

For those that read my blogs and know my story, you will know that life hasn’t exactly gone as expected. From a young age into adulthood life has continually thrown curve balls, some so powerful that they had an effect like a hand grenade which have had ripple effects throughout my life. Through counselling I have come to understand that my experiences as a young girl have very much defined how I have responded to life, the choices I have made, and especially how I have handled adversity.

You start off as a young person with so many dreams and hopes of how your life will be. For some those dreams become a reality through hard work or chance, for others they don’t. So how do we develop a character and foundation that deals with all of this in a positive way?

I like the analogy that we have two wolves inside of us; both of them want to eat. One of these wolves constantly sees the negative side and is hungry for what we don’t have, the other one is grateful and sees hope even in the most painful and negative of circumstances, seeing what we do have. Whichever one we feed is the one that will dominate our lives. The world and social media constantly want to feed the greedy wolf, like a constant stream into our consciousness we are brainwashed into believing we need to feed that wolf to be happy and have identity.

Happiness I’m learning is an emotional response to an outcome. If we attain what we want, then from there on out we raise the standard to our next outcome. This grows an insatiable appetite where we are live our lives in constant pursuit of happiness, one that is never satisfied with being content with the status quo. It is result reliant. If we don’t get what we want from life, we end up unhappy, because often circumstances don’t go the way we expect, or the approval we crave never comes.

Unfortunately I see this all the time in young people nowadays. With the lack of discipline, and child- centered parenting, kids are growing up being given whatever they want. So what ends up happening is that when they don’t get their own way, they’re unhappy, because their happiness depends on an outcome. It’s feeding that insatiable hungry wolf that always wants more, better, or whatever everyone else has. We are all guilty of not raising our kids to develop an attiude of gratefulness. When they go through disappointments, the best thing we can teach them, is how to deal with those disappointments in a healthy way. If we don’t, they go into life and the real world thinking that it owes them something, that they are entitled to a good outcome, and that they never have to work for anything. When they encounter disappointments they end up more and more depressed, and are unsure how to navigate their emotions, because they are completely unprepared to deal with them. Mental health issues are at an all time high in young people, even as young as Primary School. Looking back, my mother and father’s generation grew up in adversity, during the aftermath of war, they grew up learning how to deal with lack, and disappointment, and move forward. They became resilient and flexible, understanding the value of hard work and principles. They knew every action had a consequence, fostering an attitude of discipline and thankfulness.

This has been a hard lesson that I was forced into with my daughter. So much has happened to her that I have been unable to protect her from. She’s had to face more than most adults do in a lifetime. On top of losing her dad, family friends and her grandad, she has had to deal with seeing my health decline, loss of income to the house, all mixed up with dealing with deep emotions and grief, and to make matters worse, being bullied at school. I was forced into a situation that I couldn’t control for her (which as any mum will know is agonising.) I have had to help her deal with the disappointments in a healthy way, trying to focus on the positives, and continually reminding her that her value doesn’t lie in others opinions or what she doesn’t have, but rather in who she is, (her character, heart, soul, her courage and kindness.) Helping her grow that heart of gratefulness has even challenged me.

After four years, lots of tears and heartbreak, she is undisputedly my hero!! This year has been her toughest yet, but she keeps picking herself up, goes into the day with a smile on her face, and has decided with the help of a counsellor to walk away from anything that isn’t positive in her life. She’s growing an identity that isn’t based on circumstances or opinions, but on an understanding of being loved not just by her mama, but more importantly her heavenly father. Regardless of the backlash and harrassment she has received for standing up for herself, she battles on. Today she sent me a text before going into class saying, “I am loved!” Like I said, she’s my hero!

Now where happiness is a choice, joy I’m learning, is different. Joy comes from being and doing what we are fashioned and made to do. I believe it is a process, constantly under construction and conditioning in our brain and hearts. As a Christian, what is it that we are meant to do? I believe that joy comes when we understand with certainty who we are in Christ. Joy happens naturally when we know we are loved. This is the toughest one to get a revelation of because often (in my experience) things happen in our lives that scream that God doesn’t love you. We can base that love on our feelings and circumstances. It isn’t based on achievement or approval from others, it’s a deep down conviction that I am enough because of Christ. Even if I never achieve anything in life, if I remain sick, if I remain alone, If people let me down, if the pain becomes too much, if I face rejection, if I face persecution, if I get side swiped by life…. real joy can only be experienced when our roots go deep down enough into a love that is unmovable, unshakeable and unrelenting even in my weakness, pain, and sinfullness. That love can only come from God.

Yet I still battle! Life only got harder after James died. My prayers often go unanswered, or I get the opposite to what I pray for. Sickness doesn’t always disappear even when you apply unmoveable faith, and attacks keep coming (not just for me but for my daughter too.) I still have to face loneliness, grief, and the loudest of all not understanding the ‘why.’ I still have no job, no answers to why my body isn’t functioning well, and very often I feel trapped and stuck in a situation I cannot change and cannot control. Through so much frustration I am learning to just let go. I take one day at a time, and try foster that heart of gratefullness in the midst of it. I don’t always feel happy, because I often feed the greedy wolf. I’m in the process of my brain being reconditioned to be content with that which I cannot change. I’m growing in an understanding of who I am, my true identity, and above all, knowing I’m loved just as I am.

I realise through studying mindfullness how much I have missed in my life because I am so unaware of taking in life moment by moment. Often I’ll go through my day just to get through. My mind is like a machine that has been so trained to move in a certain way, that trying to change mode to move in the opposite direction takes a lot of effort. I’ve been conditioned to respond to circumstances in a certain way, and need that reminder of what is a more positive way of responding. When you’re my age that’s hard work! I’m fighting against a pattern that was fashioned from a young age. This gets brought over into adulthood, where some of my seasons were impacted by physical pain, or a physical inability to even function well. I’d like to say I’ve always dealt with it well, but the reality is that joy, hope, identity, and thankfulness very quickly erode when all you long for is relief. It’s like drowning but being grateful that your head is still above water.

I am not saying that we should never feel. I think it is so important to acknowledge pain, grief and suffering. To give these feelings the acknowledgement that they need, and the time to heal. God is just as interested in these times as in our good times. Rather than seeing them as a big gaping abyss from which we can never recover, to try see them as a tool of construction to build resilience. Having been through them, I know there is a place within Christ that I can go where I can heal and let Him show me who I am in him. He may seem far, but he really is always there. These times give my roots a chance to go down even deeper into my understanding of who I am in God, and the strength that comes from surrender. It is a skill to take adversity and build something positive with it. When the next assault comes you’re more equipped to deal with it. It doesn’t make the bruising and pain any less, but you know how to navigate a healthy way of recovery from it. Like God said “he works all things for our good…”

The most inspiring people I have ever seen are those that face constant persecution and yet count it a privillege to suffer for Christ. The happiest people I have ever seen are the poorest, they don’t go into life expecting it to get any better, they are content and happy just for what lies in front of them. They are conditioned to deal with disappointment and suffering well.

As Christians we have been conditioned to see victory in life through the testimonies we choose to share from the front. This is what I went through + I applied faith = God answered my prayer. Yes we should celebrate those victories and they bring us encouragement, but what about the warriors of faith that have done all of the same, yet no breakthrough? They inspire us to keep going, they speak to the people who need to know they are not alone in their suffering, that they are accepted and loved despite not being perfect. “Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1. To me we should celebrate the victors who despite no breakthrough, still hold fast to faith and their devotion to Christ, like many of the greatest leaders in the Bible that never saw the fulfillment of promises given to them. We’ve built a culture in churches where we like to wrap everything up in a nice red bow with our theology, where we can understand everything that happens to us. We like formulas, because that gives us the control. Life has a very cruel way of reminding us that there are a lot of things we cannot control.

So moving forward my goal is every day to to be mindful of what is around me, to take in the moments so that I don’t miss anything special. Take time to sit in silence and allow God to speak. As for those two wolves, to feed the one that sees what we do have, and foster a heart of gratefulness. I trust God has us, and He will never let us go. My prayer is that true happiness and joy will return, even if joy is a gift that has always been there, its up to me whether I tap into it.