Return to Life
Since James died in April of this year, I haven’t writen anything because I have felt like I had nothing to say. There are still so many questions in my head and heart that I am longing for answers to, and such a sense of emptiness that how could I possibly put words to paper when there’s nothing coming out.
Yet this morning I woke up and I felt I needed to get the laptop out and write. I was reminded at church yesterday whilst we were worshipping about coming empty handed to God, that He may fill it with His life. If I come full of questions and my own agenda there is no room in my hand to receive anything. After all what could I possibly bring to Him that is of any worth other than my heart, empty as it may be?
The tendency would be to ignore Him, run from Him, feel disappointed and angry (I’ve been all those things and may continue to be?) but in the end it only hurts me, because I know deep down the only route back to life lies in the ‘Giver of Life.’ So I go empty towards Him, with nothing but my emptiness to offer, and my praise in spite of the darkness, because my hope is that He can turn my life around and bring life again. What other choice is there but to come with humility in my heart?
I know the greatest gift I can give to God right now, even in the disappointment and pain is to choose to go against my flesh in humility and worship Him. That is a gift that I cannot give Him in Heaven, as there is no pain or suffering there. I also know it is the only way I can connect with James, because I know that is what He is doing at every given moment.
James chose to worship even in the agony and pain, in the torment and the suffering, in the fear and the disappointment, in the face of opposition and bad news. He has left such a challenge to do the same.
Yesterday I was reminded of the story of Lazarus as I came before him empty, in pain and with a deep anguish of loneliness. Just as Martha did when Lazarus had died. His response was so contrary to what we would expect from someone who had the power to raise the dead, from what He probably would have expected of them having seen so many miracles, to possibly be annoyed that they didn’t believe in Him. Why, because He LOVES them. It was a response of one who empathised with a deep anguish of His own, weeping, not for the death (as He knew He had the power to change that) but with the anguish of understanding their pain, and weeping with them in what they had walked through.
So when we ask, “Jesus, do you see our pain?” We can truly know, He understands and feels it.
His next statement is the one I have been mulling over for 2 days:
“I am the RESURRECTION AND THE LIFE; he who believes in me will live even if he dies, and everyone who lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?” John 11:25
What is resurrection? ‘A bringing back to life.’ A present life, not just a life in the end of our days. Not only the power to raise after death but the power to raise and bring back to life now. He expresses that even in the act of physical death, it doesn’t interrupt that resurrection life.
As I said before I don’t believe God sees this life and the next as seperate, but merely one being a continuation of the other. Because true life lives in our Spirits, the kind that lasts beyond our bodies. When that comes alive to Christ, this life here on earth is just a moment in a life that continues eternally. Our physical bodies may wear away, but our Spirits, if we allow God in, grows and continues daily into another life that is more glorious than the first.
This being the case, though my Spirit is weary and in pain, it is but temporary. If I want my Spirit revived, I have to go to the giver of that resurrection life, to bring my Spirit back to life again, to give me that desire to live again. To truly live again. Though it may feel like a part of my body is missing with James gone, my flesh may ache and be in the pain of loss, yet I can only place my hope in the life that Jesus holds within Him to bring life back to my Spirit, so that my body will one day follow suit.
Not only does He say He is the Resurrection, but the ‘Bread of Life’ which brings me daily sustenance, the ‘Water of Life’ that brings refreshing to my soul and my thirst and hunger for joy and peace. If He promises all these things within the person of who He is. I have no choice to go to the one who says,
“Come every one who thirsts, come to the waters; and you who have no money (empty), come buy and eat, come buy wine and milk without money and without cost.”Isaiah 55
“Come”, and the one who hears say, “Come.” And let the one who is thirsty come; let the one who wishes take the water of life without cost.” Revelation 22:17
To actually walk this out in the flesh is so ridiculously hard! Because let’s face it, we live most of our days in the fleshly realm. My tendency is to look for what may temporarily fill that void because it screams to be filled. Out of survival mentality to seek affection elsewhere. So whilst friends and family will be there to help and hold my hand, I could be in a room of people who love me and still feel completely alone in my agonizing pain. Like a voice screaming inside that no one can hear. The only one that can possibly hear and understand is Him. So whilst I may constantly mess up daily, seeking fulfillment in a myriad of other ways, I am trying to allow God to lift my perspective to see the bigger picture within the understanding of my puny little earthly mind, to truly see, not with physical eyes, but spiritual eyes, the only answer to all of the above.
Jesus raised Lazarus, but He didn’t raise James (not in this realm.) Yet He has the power to do both! I may not understand it, or like it, other than the legacy that James has left in so many people’s lives as a reminder to live for Christ and make every moment count, to have faith even in the darkest of circumstances, to allow that faith to be in God, not in circumstances. Yet he is gone, and no one can replace that, other than God.
Therefore, I know He has the power to raise me back to life, to raise Chloe back to life. To bring new life, and new hope and new joy and new peace every day. So instead of choosing to see the darkness that clouds me, I can make that choice to look up, to lift my perspective, and place my hope in that He will clear the fog, and bring new meaning to the emptiness and loneliness I feel daily.
He promised that’s who He is. So I take Him up on it!
