The True Face of grief.

Today my blog is going to be very real. To reveal the ugly side of grief. If you don’t want to go there please don’t read it, but I believe in being real, it allows and gives permission to those in the same boat to understand you are not alone, and no one has it all together. It’s okay to feel rubbish, as long as we choose not to stay there and dwell in it. I know for me it should never become a comfortable place.

I am sitting here after I recently had a week from Hell! After seeing my Doctor for problems with my stomach, he gave me the advice that we needed to deal with the anxiety I had been feeling over the Christmas period. It was our first Christmas without James, our first flight alone, first holiday overseas, both falling ill to a virus, losing my father in South Africa in a very painful situation, and a bad experience I had on the plane. So as a helping solution he advised I take anti-depressants to help with the anxiety and stomach issues which are often interlinked to enable me to cope.

Problem is I have a very sensitive body that reacts to certain medications. I ended up having a really bad reaction to the medication which I can only describe as being attacked by animals:

I was vomiting, diarrhea, heart palpitations, numbness in my arms, sweating, and anxiety attacks every 5 minutes. I literally thought I was going to die as I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Honestly I never want to go through that again! Needless to say I came off the medication.

Now that I have had a bit of breathing space and time to evaluate things, I realize that the anxiety had been building for some time but I had managed to keep myself busy and just ignore it. The Christmas season that was full of incidents and another two deaths of close people was like adding even more pressure inside the bottle where the cork had to pop to allow all the anxiety and grief to come out. Taking that medication was merely a catalyst to accentuate what was already there.

I am a very deep person, I am a real thinker, and left unchecked I can analyse situations waaaay too much. The good side is I have a deep compassion for others and can read situations very well. The bad side is that if I feel deeply, I can get deeply wounded too. Coming home after being with family over Christmas the realization of how lonely I felt without James hit an all time high. With him being in hospital so much and then losing him, Chloe and I had gotten used to being a little duo at home. However we then experienced what it was like to be part of a family again, it reminded us how great it felt, how normal, then the analysing started… life without him didn’t look so good to me, in fact I hated it!I didn’t really want to go into a new year without him, but I had to. So I stayed there in that thought process too long.

Coming into the new year I was feeling unwell, and struggling with this deep sadness, I had thought by now that most of my grieving would have been over the worst. So even though I desperately wanted to start the new year by being in a much better place and with renewed hope and vigour in my step, it didn’t. Grief had hit an all time high, not just for me but for Chloe too. I had never seen her so sad. For the first time she was making statements about wishing that the world would end so that we could be with daddy again, which only added to my pain and sadness as a mother watching your child suffer and the same as you, and not being able to make it right. Perhaps a reluctance in me to accept that this is now our life, not one we had chosen, not one we wanted to live — without James or a father. But I have no choice in it, and have to accept it, because no amount of crying or grieving is going to bring them back. Which in itself is a mourning process as I allow that part of my heart to let go, and die so that new life can come in.

I’m also one of those people that is very hard on themselves. I expect to be over certain things too quickly, once again a real test of my patience. But grief isn’t something that can be rushed, it chooses to come and go as it pleases like an unwelcome guest. By ignoring it you only give it power to last, so diving into it is the only solution. Acceptance can take a while, allowing that part of you to just let go can feel like a death in itself. So whilst I know I cannot dwell on unhealthy thoughts, I do need to allow myself to feel the pain, it’s there for a reason, and shouldn’t be ignored, it’s a real juggling act!

How does one do this? For me personally If I didn’t have my faith (which on many occasion has been tested) and counsellors and friends around me, then it’s very hard. These provide the safe framework to allow the whirlpool going on inside to be contained without sucking me under. There have been many times I thought I would go under had I not had someone telling me what was happening was normal, and that I just need to hold on. Had I not had the assurance from my past that God will see me through, then I probably would be in a much worse position than I am now.

For years I have been asking God for real breakthrough in my health and with fear that has been a thread throughout my life. Yes, sometimes God will touch a person and they will be set free instantly, but most times He uses situations to bring breakthrough. Experts say the only way to overcome something is to face it. If there’s one thread throughout my recent journey through cancer and loss it has been facing my fear! That’s not what we like to hear is it? The Bible says of Jesus that he endured the cross for the joy set before him. What joy is that for me… the joy of knowing true freedom in every area of my life is attainable. There’s moments I wish I could take back those prayers, because sometimes it is just too much to bear. But that’s just it, at the end of my resources when I have nothing left to hold onto, as broken and bruised as I am, God has to step in…if He doesn’t I’m stuffed!!

If walking this road that seems impossible can develop a discipline in me that overcomes the face of fear, then it will be worth it. I don’t want to walk it, every day facing anxiety like I’ve never known before is an uphill battle, but every day that I get through I’m hoping and trusting is one step closer to breakthrough. I am learning how to take the time to train my brain to rest and relax, how not to analyze myself too much. To take the time to breathe well, stretch and build muscles in my thinking that fight against fearful or anxious thoughts. I call it Godly Mindfulness. Living in the moment and not creating anxiety about the future by taking thoughts captive. In essence I’m preaching to myself daily. It’s exhausting as it requires a lot of discipline, I don’t always get it right by a long shot, but like any exercise I’m trusting it will develop good habits and strong brain muscles. In the valley is where most of the growth and vegetation thrives, not on the mountaintop, so I feel like I’m growing a forest! I certainly will learn to appreciate those mountain top experiences a lot more in future!

I can only hope that one day I will be writing about those mountain top experiences soon, because I’m sure fed up with writing about the valley. What I do know is God is more necessary to me now than ever in my life. He is necessary for my every waking moment of every day. When I climb up out of that valley I am determined to not take one step without him. In essence he is becoming my husband and so much more.

For those that can relate to my story, I hope that by me being real it allows you to be real too. I think the first step to breakthrough is by acknowledging that there’s a problem. Even if that problem is not from choice. Life can throw some horrendous battles your way, we need each other to make it through. If you’re reading this and wondering how you can help someone you know who is facing pain and anxiety the best thing you can do is be a true friend, don’t try fix them, just love them, support them and speak life into their souls. Speak encouragement and hope over them, don’t analyze their character or flaws, but pour love into those cracks and provide a framework of practical love and support around them to enable them to heal. There’s way too much criticism in this world, what people need is love, one of the most powerful forces in this world. Love does conquer all, especially the love of God poured out to us and through others.