How to be a young woman (or anything other than a grey-haired white man) at a business conference and still get shit done
As an impact investor, I’ve been an Executive Director, CEO or Founding Partner for close to 15 years. Usually those titles should imply walking into a business room and commanding a certain level of respect.
The problem? For most of those 15 years, I was clearly a young woman. I was asked to be an executive director when I was 23 years old, and went on to start 4 more organizations until finally “resting” in my current role as Founding Partner of Candide Group for the past six years. (At 36 I’m still young! But I went grey early which changed the game…and technically after 35, by the UN’s definition you’re no longer “youth”).
Lets face it. It’s hard to get work done at a big conference when people carry tremendous unconscious bias, and are often likely to discount your value based on your gender, race, age or even cost of clothing. These are things we generally can’t change (and don’t want to!) about ourselves. But, we still have a mission — we have to raise that money, or find a client, or whatever it is that brings us there. So how do you get stuff done while still being authentic to yourself?
When I walked into the speaker’s greenroom, people thought I was the secretary and would ask when my boss planned on arriving. (Yep, Morgan is a woman’s name too, yes, I’m ready). They’ve asked me to get them water. (Um, weird, but sure). They’ve asked me which table they can sit at. (I’m your keynote, sit wherever the f*ck you want). When I wrote my book I had so many examples of men behaving badly, we struggled to edit them down to two pages.
While we slowly but surely end patriarchy, racism, ageism, able-bodyism, and all the other -isms, this stuff will continue to happen — here’s a few key tactics I’ve found helped me navigate conferences successfully.
- Have an objective.
It’s intimidating to walk into a big room and try to talk to people… if you don’t know what you want to talk about! So beforehand, check the attendee list and get your strategy together. It might be that you want to make sure 5 new funders know about your organization. Or that you get the cards of 5 new sales prospects. Or that you want to learn everything about a particular topic. Set a goal that’s reasonable and that helps you plan your day.
If the community is new to you, make your hit list and check it twice. If there isn’t a published attendee list, ask for one or use the agenda as at least a cliff-note version. Look up photos so you’re not awkwardly checking nametags. Check carefully who is on which panel. Think of a smart question to ask them either during or after. Not everyone at an event is equally high-value to you… you’ll know better where to spend your time if your objective is more focused. That doesn’t mean, don’t be open to the serendipitous magic that can happen in between — but it can help prevent the sinking feeling of, “Did I just spend all this time and money and not accomplish anything?”
If you’re not sure what your objective should be, that’s a great question to ask your team or supervisor. Also, they may already know the people you’re hoping to talk to, so make sure to share your hit list and offer to ghostwrite intros for them to connect you. A little bit of planning can help make an event far more fulfilling.
2. Your title doesn’t define you.
I got lucky to be a young CEO which bought some cache. Not loving your Office Manager or Special Assistant title? When asked what you do, talk about your organization and role, not your title, and even pivot that intro into your main ask.
For instance:
“I’m part of an investing firm that has over $500M in assets. I support our executive team in operations — lately we’ve been launching an investor club I’m really excited about. I wonder if it might be of interest to you given your work.”
“I work with a non-profit that seeks to dismantle the school to prison pipeline. I’ve been really excited to support our work lately specifically on new legislation in California. Have you heard about it? We’re looking to identify partners to join as co-sponsors.”
This helps people understand that regardless of your day-to-day role, you can be a conduit to the broader work of the organization. Maybe you know something about an issue or a policy that could be useful. Maybe you can make a key introduction for them. You’ve essentially created an on-ramp for them to ask questions and engage with the broader context of your work, rather than get distracted by your title.
3. Watch out for references that make people focus on your age, instead of your abilities.
Experience is experience, period. No one needed to know that when I worked in West Africa, I was 20 and still in college. No one needed to know that I worked for the UN when I was 22. But, by 23, I could absolutely say I became an executive director after serving as a consultant to the UN, and working on 3 continents. My resume was not based on my age, but on my actual accomplishments.
I didn’t mention where I went to college until asked — classic rookie mistake in my book, as its natural to talk about college with your peers when you’ve recently graduated. Bringing up college reminds people that you look like you could still be there. I even learned, when asked, to say “I did my undergrad at Swarthmore,” as people always assumed I had a graduate degree.
The point wasn’t to hide my age or be deceptive (thought that last trick, I confess, is borderline). People always assumed I had gone to business school… because I studied my ass off on my own and hence knew more or less what I was talking about! So if they wanted to assign me a positive stereotype because they didn’t see someone learning another way, I wasn’t opposed. The point, was to make my actual knowledge and experience the focal point, instead of my age.
I learned that later on in a conversation I could certainly share my age if relevant, and that in some cases it made people even more inclined to be supportive. But, you first get to judge if this person is going to be more supportive and respect you for what you bring to the table, or instantly turn off.
4. You already look different — so just be different.
I learned as a 23 year-old that I was going to look like I was 15 if I showed up in a traditional western-style suit. When I worked in Sierra Leone, I had a couple of skirt suits made out of traditional fabric and learned to wear those to conferences- — not the type of wax print that would be inappropriate on a white woman, but unique and colorful fabrics likely to invite questions. My wardrobe said, “I’m fresh, new and different to this community, and you should know me.” It helped attract the types of people who were actually open to new energy as well.
You may not have your very own tailor, but perhaps you have a colorful scarf, or bowtie, or a pin with a message, or something that gives you a little bit of spark. Youth is fun — it’s ok to have fun with your clothing, and still be professional.
However you want to dress, know that color is helpful in big events as then people can point you out to others. “I just had a really great conversation with this woman about social investing. She had a bright red dress on… oh there she is!”
Finally — I know there’s a lot of debate around whether or not to tell women to dress “less sexy” if they want to be respected, as this is a problem about how some men see women, not what women wear. What I learned, however, is that I often was coming off as sexier than I had intended — I wasn’t checking how far my skirt was riding up when I crossed my legs, or how deep a v-neck really was when standing from above, until later seeing these things on video and actually being surprised that I was showing more than I had intended.
So I’m not going to say you need to dress less sexy — but I would say, move around in your clothes, check them from multiple angles, and make sure they are a level of sexy that YOU feel comfortable with.
If you’re not sure about the level of “fancy” required by a certain event, or how that changes regionally (“business casual” in NYC is NOT the same as SF or Kansas City!), don’t be shy in asking someone at your office or who has been to that particular event before.
And then the final rule of thumb: when in doubt, bring a jacket or scarf so you’ve got options. It instantly can make you look more formal if needed, and also address the problem that most conference rooms are climatized for men’s attire — leading most bare-armed women freezing.
5. Learn how to make friends — not just network.
One of the coolest things about being a young person is that, if you stay in the same field, you’re likely to know people for a very, very long time and get to watch their development. Andrew Gillum and I were both student organizers in our early twenties, running around the conference circuit and joking over bad desserts. Now he’s ready to take Florida and the nation by storm. Former students of mine are now in positions to give jobs to my peers. So don’t ignore the other young people — or people who look like you in whatever way — power does not rest solely with older people, and it certainly won’t forever, so don’t be too quick to judge “who matters” in a room. If you yourself are ageist, they will remember that, too.
And then there are the older people, who may or may not look like you, who legitimately have expertise or access in an area you care about. You want to talk to them — they could be key for your company, your own mentorship or your next career move.
How do you do that, if you know their instinct might be to assume you don’t matter? You have to figure that these folks have been going to conferences for 20 years. They are kind of networked out. They might be tired, either in that moment, or more existentially. And because they are in positions of prominence or leadership, people are coming at them ALL THE TIME wanting stuff, whether they are honest about it or not — people get mad at them for not doing what they want, setting off a vicious cycle that causes folks to retract from talking to new people.
So that’s where once again being different comes in handy. You can come at them differently — seeing them as a human FIRST, being genuinely curious about who they are as people and not just their title (this goes both ways!) You can ask what they are passionate about, rather than what they do — they might be really excited to talk about their new grandchild and get a break from work. You can compliment their clothing and ask where it came from. And then of course, you can pivot the conversation to business later — but at least you had a warm intro and gave the person a sense that you care about them. NONE of the above work if inauthentic, so if you’re not feeling someone’s energy (or scarf), then just talk to someone else.
You also have the opportunity to express admiration — if it’s authentic, of course. I would often, even when in between jobs without anything clear to offer, write prominent people before a conference to try and secure a meeting, knowing it was unlikely they would give me the time of day if I just approached them in-person and wouldn’t have enough time to make a case. But if I wrote a heartfelt letter making it clear I already knew their background — and had clear, relevant questions that might be interesting to them as well — I amazingly found that people usually accepted the meeting. (And yeah, I’m gonna say it — if they spent years writing a book that already tells their life story…at least skim it before asking for a networking meeting!) If they don’t have time for a meeting, offer to walk with them. If you make a good enough impression in those few minutes, you can always ask for a phone call later.
Finally — you can try to be helpful, whether in a small or large way. Being outrageously kind gets remembered, especially when genuine.
The best networking I ever saw was a woman named Dawn, who went with me to an investment conference in Geneva, for the launch of the UN Principles of Responsible Investment (more on that later). She saw people first, and then made her way eventually to her task at hand.
Dawn was selling a new product for investors, and wanted to talk to the head of a very large pension fund— who, perhaps besides Angela Merkle, probably controlled more money than any woman in the world. We’ll call her Lisa for this story. Lisa was constantly getting harassed by people wanting to sell their services. She was jet-lagged and had been on the road for probably far too long — managing ~$300 Billion is not an easy job.
Dawn and I spotted her sitting alone one a couch during a plenary session, staring off into space, looking exhausted and dare I say, something close to miserable. It was perhaps two in the afternoon; she still had a long day ahead of her.
The natural instinct would be to think: “She’s alone! Let me go talk to her and tell her about my company!”
Dawn said, “I’ll be right back.” She went to the bar, got a cappuccino and two sugar packets and put them down in front of Lisa. “Hi I’m Dawn. It looked like you might need this.” Then walked away, making it clear she wasn’t expecting Lisa to engage with her, or compensate her in any way with her time and attention. She didn’t even leave a card.
Lisa looked up with greatest look of relief you could’ve imagined; it was probably the first time that day she was seen as a human, first. And you better believe she never forgot Dawn.
I had only met Dawn twice before that UN conference — and you better believe I never forgot her either. We met twice at events while I was in my first year as ED of the Responsible Endowments Coalition, running an eight-person organization on a 300k budget — we were effective, but flat out broke. We sure as heck didn’t go to conferences in Geneva.
I think Dawn knew two things, probably more implicitly than explicitly: that I had access to university endowments in a way she did not (we worked on over 100 campuses at the time controlling over $150B), and that I would be in the field for awhile (so could be a long-term ally to her). We had a phone call to catch up, in which she mentioned she was leaving in two days for Geneva for the UN conference. I wished her a safe trip and bid her goodbye.
She called back in about 20 minutes: “Hey. Want to go to Geneva? You should be at this event.” She gave me some flight miles to get a ticket, and then let me stay in her hotel room for 5 nights. And while I don’t think I ever got her any business, I met a lot of people who were important to the coalition, and learned a ton about investing.
And 12 years later — while I would never bend my professional ethics (for instance, give someone greater consideration for an investment), you can bet that if Dawn called me up at midnight asked me to do something for her… I would do it, no questions asked. And as something closer to an elder at this point in my life, I’m now much more proactive at looking for times that *I* can make that phone call, and create an opportunity for someone else.
6. Know when to hold them… and when to fold them.
Not everyone is going to be your friend or respect you. Don’t subject yourself to unnecessary torture if someone else from your team can do the job, and if you’re ok with not being as engaged in a certain community.
For instance, I like to go to specific industry conferences rather than general impact investing conferences, as I get more in-depth knowledge and exposure to practitioners (for instance, on worker cooperatives, global trade, clean energy technology or low-income housing). There’s one sector (which will remain unnamed) with so few women that I got looked up and down by the men no matter how baggy I dressed. For many this is an unconscious practice, I understand that — but it’s sort of like spitting when you talk: at some point you have to decide it’s something you want to fix and make an effort to shift. These guys apparently we’re not making such an effort.
If I really wanted to be a leader in that field, I would tough it out, have some accountability conversations, form the diversity committee, and change the culture. But it really wasn’t that critical for me to be the one to attend, when there was a guy on the team who could.
I tried for three years, then finally turned to my male business partner and asked him to take that conference from now on. And even within that sector (as in all others) — we seek out diversity in terms of gender, ethnicity and geography, which means that a conference dominated by white men who look at women up and down has become less important to us, period.
7. Build new centers of gravity.
Whether it’s the Times Up women connecting across sectors in LA, or the global Black elite convening in Ghana for New Years, find the spaces that value you for who you are, that are their own centers of power. There is so much talent, money, influence and organizing energy that can be harnessed, and create new norms that prioritize inclusion rather than implicit bias and exclusion. If you’re not a member of the organizing demographic for such a group, see if its appropriate for you to participate as an ally — and if it’s not, respect their decision.
I hope the tips above are useful to you. The caveat to all this advice is: I’m now kinda middle-aged! (I think that’s what its called when you have BOTH grey hair and acne?) So if this thinking is now outdated — call me out in the comments. Because that’s what young people also need to do. And if you have more strategies to share that have been useful to you, particularly if you come from a different lived experience, please share as well.
