Can’t You Just be Gay?
Honest Thoughts When Your Teen Says They’re Trans
I’d just gotten back from a month in the Himalayas. The family friend staying with my teens had gone, and I was rummaging through the duffle bags in my room when my child Three of Four walked in and closed the door.
“Here it comes,” I thought, scrounging Buddha and Ganesh from the depths of the bag. I’d imagined Three’s coming out as one of those weepy moments I’d seen on YouTube, where the teen, frightened nearly to tears, tells their mom they’re gay, and the mom says, “I knew it all along.” I lived for those heart-felt moments, because it was my chance to show what a loving, open-minded parent I was. After all, parenting was all about me.
My children had been raised in an ultra-conservative Christian home, and with the death of their father, the strict binary codes that had long operated our fundamentalist life had been discarded. It had not been an easy process. It’s not as if I could simply drag beliefs about an omniscient and omnipresent god to the trash bin. The lingering pings of hellfire and damnation took a while to fade.
During that time of religious detox, I remember watching a show with my youngest, Four of Four, in which one of the main characters was gay, and it was uncomfortable at first. I was supportive of a person’s right to love who they love, but homosexuality had not been part of my adult life. I had stopped watching TV before Ellen’s coming out and prior to that, allusions to homosexuality on prime time were rare — and when it did show up, it was comical or the punchline of a joke. I had never seen gay relationships depicted realistically on television.
By the time Three walked into my room, homosexuality had switched genres, from comedy to reality, and I thought I was prepared for Three’s declaration.
I was not prepared when Three told me they didn’t feel they were in the correct body.
Three was Transgender.
My mind defaulted to a twisted word association game. Sadly, because of the generation in which I grew up, Transgender was practically non-existent. Any representations of “cross-dressers,” as my grandpa called them, were ridiculed or, like the homosexual depictions on TV, were for comedic relief.
Transgender
My brain started drawing up images of Klinger from M.A.S.H. or Dr. Frank-n-Furter from Rocky Horror Picture Show. But these weren’t real people, they were caricatures. Besides, Klinger wasn’t trans — he wore women’s clothing to get out of the army, which was another huge problem with my generation: we were sold the notion anything other than heterosexual and CIS identity meant you were mentally unstable.
The process of transitioning doesn’t just take place in a teen’s body; it happens for the parent as well. It is a mental transition, full of questions and doubts and even a bit of grief.
Why can’t you just be gay?
One of my first thoughts was that it would be simpler if Three were gay. Not for Three personally, but it would be easier for me to deal with (and it’s all about me, right?!). People of my generation didn’t understand the difference between gender and sexuality — we thought they were the same thing. If you were born a girl you liked boys. If you were born a boy you liked girls. Anything else was deviant.
I had so much to learn.
But if I would stop a bullet or wrestle a bear for my child, wouldn’t I take the time to try and understand what’s going on with them, even if it’s uncomfortable for me?
My teens began to school me on gender and sexuality. I read articles and watched YouTube videos on what it meant to be transgender. I asked questions and had some highly personal and extremely uncomfortable discussions. I began to understand there are more genders than two and all kinds of combinations to unlock sexuality.
Is this just a phase?
Another issue many new parents of transgender kids have is the validity of their child’s claims. Are they just exploring? Are they mimicking? Some parents are lucky enough to spot transgenderism early, but for those of us whose kids come out as teens, we might feel blindsided. If it were ‘real’ wouldn’t I have seen it coming? I am the all-knowing mother, after all.
I thought back to when I was 15, when I would put on a suitable face for my parents, often while dying of some kind of heartbreak or insecurity inside. I wanted them to be proud of me — even if I was terribly unhappy. As a parent, I realized just as my mom and dad could not dictate what was in my 15 year-old heart, I had no right to tell Three how they should feel. Three was their own person, not some character I had written into a script.
I also remembered what an emotional time adolescence was. It was a time of figuring myself out and learning how to be in relationships. While I supported Three’s transition, I also didn’t want them to do anything permanent until they’d been living as trans for a while. I wanted Three to know that discovering their identity is a good and healthy thing, and there’s no rush to make irreversible decisions. A child who transitions should be fairly grounded in who they are and what they want before permanent changes are made.
Overall, it doesn’t matter if a parent thinks their teen’s transition is just a phase. It IS real to the child, so it should be real to the parent as well. Only the child know what’s truly inside, and as parents, we need to validate and respect that. It is our job to walk the tightrope between meeting their immediate needs and helping them build their futures.
How long should they wait for surgery?
The choice of when to have surgery depends on the teen and on the particular situation. For our family, it means Three needs to live in the body they have for a couple more years before deciding to change it permanently. Three is not suicidal over gender dysphoria and is willing to give this development some time. In the meantime, Three can continue to work on personal growth and responsibility and also discover how they want to express themselves in both gender and sexuality.
No, you can’t go out — ever!
Because Three was raised as one particular gender, they have a lot to learn about personal and emotional safety. Red flags and warning signs ingrained in some of Three’s siblings do not come as second nature and have to be taught and discussed. Three does not only have to learn new social cues, they have to be aware some people will see them as a target. At times, this fear makes me overprotective. I’m nervous every time Three leaves the house, whether it’s to go to school or on a date. But Three is now eighteen years-old, and I have to give them the opportunity to live in the world and make real connections. While Three had to learn to be more cautious, I had to learn to let go a little.
What if you change your mind?
I’ve read interviews with people who felt pressure to stay trans, even if they decided to de-transition later. Parents are usually the ones who take their transgender teens to appointments, pay for medications and worry like hell over their health and safety. Parents work hard to use correct pronouns and call their kids by their new names. Grammar-sticklers might have to use ‘they’ for a single person, which is much harder to do than it sounds. Some moms and dads jump through legal hoops to change names on birth certificates or drivers licenses. All of that investment could make a child feel obligated to stay transgender, even if they decide later it’s not what they want.
I wanted Three to know whatever they decide, I’ve got their back. If it means surgery or de-transition, I won’t be disappointed either way. It’s not that I doubt Three — I just want them to keep their options open for now.
What this means in our family is that Three is taking hormones. One to suppress the hormones they were born with, and one to bolster the ones they’re low on. Three has also been going to counseling to help guide them through this process.
Being the teacher I am, I made Three do research on what hormone therapy would do to their body, and we had that ultra-uncomfortable conversation about long-term changes, such as how it could impact their sex life or their ability to have biological children.
Do we really have to say “dead name?”
In the online support group to which I belong, grief often comes up — especially when terms like “dead name” appear. When you birth a baby, you dream about the life they’ll have one day. You imagine if they’ll take after mom or dad physically. Will they be tall or short? Broad or petite? You narrate an entire life for them as they grow. You have specifically gendered memories together: their first pair of shoes or an Easter outfit, sports they played or toys they loved. So when a teen tells you they’re trans, you often grieve as if you’ve lost someone you’ve known for years. I felt that way at first, but over time, I’ve seen Three’s spirit come back.
Three was a gregarious child. Funny. Happy. Outgoing. Over the years, I saw those essential qualities recede, and Three became a shell of their younger self. With transition, I now see my kid coming back. Three is becoming social again and happier than I’ve seen them in a long time. Sure, there are mood swings and bouts of depression, but love and humor are more prevalent. My baby, my toddler, my child did not die: Three is simply an upgraded version of the original.
Haven’t we been through enough?
Our family had already been through a major lifestyle change and at first I thought Three’s news would push me past the breaking point. I admit it — I was thinking only of myself. As a widow, there is no co-parent — not even an oppositional one. Parental responsibilities fall entirely on my shoulders, and at that point, I was pretty weary. I viewed Three’s transition as one more thing on my already long list. Once I left my own pity party, I was thankful Three opened up to me. Like myself as a teenager, Three also had this fear of disappointing their parent. Yet, Three looked this fear in the face, and their honesty made our relationship stronger. Supporting a transgender teen became not an endurance test but a challenge we could face together. I am proud of and inspired by Three’s courage.
I hope transgender people will continue to live boldly, to run for office, to write scripts, take lead roles and covers of magazines, so society will transition away from prejudice, hate, and stereotypes.
But it all starts at home.
If you are the parent of a transgender teen, don’t kick yourself for having questions. Ask them. Just be open to the answers.
