I Don’t Want to Wear a Strap-on During Sex with A Guy

Does that mean I have internalized homophobia?

Nicole Bedford
Jun 27 · 4 min read

Men derive an immense amount of pleasure from having their A-spot or prostrate stimulated during sex. However, homophobic societies have socialized a lot of men and women to associate a man seeking anal pleasure as a negative aspect of his sexuality.

It’s so extreme that some men will avoid having a prostate examination from their Urologist to ascertain the health of the organ and out rule cancer. I grew up in such a culture and now it has led me to question how much of that homophobia I’ve internalized.

I confess and acknowledge that I am turned off sexually if a man asks me to peg him or penetrate him with my fingers anally. Immediately I begin to question his sexuality. In the past, I never thought it was something I needed to check myself on until a month ago.


Last month I had a conversation with my roommate back in Miami about pegging in heterosexual relationships.

It came up because a friend of mine called me homophobic and a hypocrite for saying I wouldn’t date a bisexual man or a man that wanted anal penetration from his heterosexual lover.

I paused at the accusation. How could I be homophobic?

I’ve always advocated for LGBTQ rights and stood with them especially in my home country, the Bahamas where being gay is still akin to being possessed by demons.

My roommate who shares my opinion on the subject remained objective, stating that maybe we indeed are hypocrites as bisexual women for not wanting to date a bisexual man or peg one.

What’s more, is we may have internalized some of that homophobia we grew up with.

I still have a hard time wrapping my head around it.

As a woman, I love an alpha man, not one that walks in toxic masculinity, bravado, and misogyny, but a man that is strong within himself and exudes healthy confidence. With a caveat that he is unquestionably heterosexual.

With that being said, I suppose my sexual history with women would exclude me from being unquestionably heterosexual but it’s different for women. Isn’t it?

My friend on Facebook felt that I was being completely unfair by excluding bisexual men from my dating pool, even when I cited it as a sexual preference. I disagree with her. As human beings are we not free to choose whom we have sex with?

I want to have sex with a man that wants to do all of the penetrating. I have no desire to stimulate my lover’s a-spot with my fingers, a dildo or a strap-on.

It does nothing for me and turns me off. The minute a guy voices this before we are intimate it deflates my libido.

Hard pass sir.

In the heat of the moment, I’ve been with a guy that asked me to do it with my fingers. A French guy, mind you, he was every bit of the alpha but after taking such a dominant role during sex I declined to see him again.

Is it really homophobia to have a sexual preference of dating only heterosexual men not into having some anal play performed on them?

Yes, I’ve considered it gay, or a bisexual trait if a man interested in having sex with me wanted me to do anal play on him. I’ve since changed my mind on that — performing a sexual act or enjoying pleasure derived from a sexual act does not denote sexuality.

However, if he expressed a desire to perform some anal play on me, I have no issues.

From that standpoint, I feel as if I couldn’t possibly be taking this stance from an internalized homophobic position. It’s more about the role I like to play in the bedroom.

The act of penetration to me is one of dominance and power. I’m an alpha woman and my everyday life I walk in power and authority, but in the bedroom, it is the one place I concede and slide into the role of the submissive. I want my lover to take charge and stroke me to ecstasy.

Sure, it makes me uneasy if a guy wants to engage with me by having me perform anal sex on him.

No, I won’t date a bisexual man because part of me feels he may prefer having his A-spot stimulated far too much then he likes penetrating me. And while I can admit that is more about my insecurity, it is definitely not because I am homophobic.

Men should definitely be able to explore all aspects of their bodies to bring them to the point of completion during sex.

I would just prefer that a man that I sleep with doesn’t ask me to step into a role that I’m not comfortable with.


Candour

Stories that celebrate the openness about the joys, victories, milestones, and pitfalls of life.

Nicole Bedford

Written by

Aims to write the truth about spirituality, sex, relationships, self-development and whatever else strikes her fancy. More @https://lifeincandour.substack.com

Candour

Candour

Stories that celebrate the openness about the joys, victories, milestones, and pitfalls of life.

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