Enjoying Your Own Company
Tears welled in my eyes. Sweat dripped down my forehead as my hands trembled uncontrollably. The humidity made it difficult to breathe, well that’s what I told myself. Just one step, I whispered. This wasn’t supposed to be difficult, but at that moment, my legs were lead. Each step agonizing.
The cold metal sent a chill through my body as I wrapped my hand around it. A sharp ping notified me of my high heart rate, like I couldn’t feel it beating out of my chest. The moment I took a step forward, the biting air of the AC hit me. A shiver raced up my spine, cooling my overheated skin. The weight of their gaze made me want to turn around.
I couldn’t.
It was just me and my biggest nightmare in that room.
“Hi,” I walked up to the front counter, “I would like a table for one, please.”
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To preface this a bit. At this current moment I’m in Indonesia on an internship summer with the Cansbridge Fellowship. Now, this is my first time ever solo traveling, and it’s come with a lot more ups and down than I expected. Like eating alone.
So, eating alone may not seem like the end of the world. And it isn’t. But, to be honest, if someone sat me down at the airport and told me — “your luggage will go missing, you won’t have a place to stay, and oh! You’re going to have to eat alone”. I would have laughed and told them, “why would eating alone be such an issue?”
It wasn’t until I had to go into a restaurant on that first day that it really hit me. I had been subconsciously avoiding solo eating my whole life. And I’m not joking. At school, I used to wait for my friends to finish their lectures so we could have lunch together, or skip meals when I was starving because I didn’t want to sit alone. I always had to have someone with me.
That wasn’t an available option here.
I couldn’t call up a friend and ask them to come to dinner with me. I had no choice but to go by myself. The first few days, it was terrifying. It was something that I quickly realized I needed to fix, and fast. I couldn’t spend my entire summer scared to go out and eat. So I made a plan.
Over my time here in Indonesia (which is probably one of my favourite places I have ever been to) I’ve realized all my problems have worked out in one way or another.
My lost luggage was found, I’m going into the office with a publishing house, I found places to live, and I’ve gotten better at eating alone. But that last one did not come without some work.
Every-time I went to eat, I told myself one thing. No one cares what I do. It may sound blunt, or even downright harsh, but it’s true. I came to terms with that fact. People weren’t judging what I ordered, how much food I ate, or how I looked. Most, if not everyone, was too wrapped up in their own worlds to even glance at me.
The next thing I realized was that people were really cool to talk to. There were lots of other solo travellers eating at the places I had gone too, so instead of burying my head in a book, or my phone, I’d try to spark up conversations with them. Sometimes it worked and we had a good chat, and other times not so much.
I didn’t come to that point overnight.
I also had amazing friends in both the Cansbridge Fellowship and at Western University (the school I go to) who would call and chat with me if I ever wanted or needed some company.
I had to start off being the person who buried herself in a book, and maybe I missed out on some conversation and experience the first few days, but by doing something that made me comfortable (reading), I could go out more often and open up.
(I still bring a book with me everywhere I go, but I no longer use it to hide.)
I’ve always struggled with social anxiety, so this whole experience, starting in May at the ‘Cansbridge Fellowship Conference’ (CFC) has been a stress point for me. Not a bad stress point, just pivotal.
CFC was one of the heights moments of my adult life. It was a week full of growth and challenges. It was a week of meeting new people, learning about so many different walks of life, and having a plethora of new experience. I had felt great about myself and my mental state, then moving to Asia, more specifically Indonesia, and hitting one of the lower points, it has helped me learn and grow a lot even in a short amount of time.
This feeling of comfort and enjoyment did not come overnight. It was weeks of me pushing myself to do things I hadn’t done before. Even though these past weeks had moments which were stressful, scary, and uncomfortable, there were so many moments full of awe, joy, and happiness, that I wouldn’t have traded the last few weeks for anything. None of this would have been possible without the support of the Western engineering department, especially Dean Dr. Ken Coley and Associate Dean Dr. Jeffery Wood, along with William Yu and Diana Yu. I’m so thankful for the opportunity to grow that they gave me, and look forward to what the future holds.
