How We’re More Self-Defeating than we Realize
I once had a sports coach in my life who was fairly influential. He would give his criticism bluntly, to the degree where some would even say he spoke to his students in a quasi-abusive manner. I suppose it could be called tough love since, in the end, this coach cared about the success and self-understanding of his students far more than any other person I’ve encountered. In many cases when you play a sport competitively, you will have your opposition trash-talk you and use many mental/emotionally-targeted tactics. The fact of the matter was that the sport didn’t care about whether the words being thrown at me were kind or not, and he was teaching us a toughness that has stuck with me to this day. Looking back, the demeanor my coach had towards his students was the best I could have hoped for.
There was a piece of advice my coach gave to me which was quite shocking. As I had not yet hit my growth spurt, I was a fragile athlete. I lacked a decent build, which many others in the gym did not, and my basic physical abilities (vertical jump, speed, etc.) were far below average. My coach pulled me aside after practice for roughly an hour. I knew what was coming at that moment. He was going to tell me that I was not cut out for the team, to come back when I worked out a bit and improved my physical aptitudes. In reality, he pulled me over for the exact opposite. My coach spoke a couple of words: “Your issues are mental and only that”. The fact that an athletic professional — who had famed success in his own right — was telling the skinniest and least-athletic guy in the gym that his issues were not physical was mind-boggling at the time.
My coach, however, had understood something about my personality that was hidden far beyond the conscious level. I was unaware of it myself, that I had mentally accepted mediocrity and defeat before I had even stepped on the court. My lack of physical aptitudes was simply a cop-out, before even thinking about how I could improve my physique I needed to know that I wanted to win.
Fast-forward to the modern-day, I remember this story because it parallels a problem I am consistently seeing in over-achieving youth. Just recently, a friend of mine faced a large personal failure in his life. He had a goal, he set out to achieve it, and he got kicked in the face with intense rejection and defeat. You could consider this a “first-world” problem, but it comes with an authentic pain that can cripple many overachievers emotionally. When my friend opened up about his failure, he eventually asked me a question: “Do you believe that anyone could become LeBron James?”. My response was yes. My friend thought I was delusional, “LeBron is a genetic freak, there are some prerequisites in life that are given at birth. Some people are destined to win”.
The topic of discussion had transitioned to one with very deep philosophical roots. It implicitly explores the arguments of fate vs free will and nature vs nurture. Regardless of your stances on these topics, you can agree that my friend’s statements are somewhat self-defeating. He was strongly justifying that it wasn’t worth trying to be better at something since you can “never be the best”. A mindset like this can lead to a spiral of unhappiness and eventually lead to one not waking up with any desires or purpose. The following points are reminders I give myself with regards to this topic as I’ve found they keep me the happiest while avoiding the crushing pain that comes with a self-defeating mindset.
Dreams are Noble to Have
Big or small, having an ambition is something to be proud of (so long as it is not at the detriment of others). We live short lives and to desire more — so long as you are grateful for what you already have — is a large part of our journeys and the source of much of our happiness. To dare to dream is its own form of greatness.
The Argument for Naivete
Even if it is not true, you are most likely better off attaining your goals by believing you can do anything. This is not blissful ignorance or a form of arrogance, but rather aspirational. It is ok to be foolishly confident in the potential of becoming great or “the best” at something. In fact, I would argue that it is a prerequisite to doing great things at all. Regardless of what society tells you is stupid or not, it is important to keep sight of your dreams and not be discouraged. Moreover, don’t let a loss along the way convince you otherwise. If others call you delusional, take it as a compliment that you’re strong enough to believe in yourself.
Hit Your Ceiling Sooner
If you believe that your ceiling (i.e., best) is predetermined for whatever reason, then it might be worth getting there as soon as you can. Only when you hit your ceiling can you understand what it means to you. You may even find out that it is in fact not a ceiling at all.
Staying Grounded
I’ve rambled on with a positive mindset in the above principles, but there is a catch to all this. Many people motivate themselves temporarily but forget about the components which are needed to make their dreams a reality. Most of your time will be consumed with failing when you have a goal. The line between dreams and fantasies is having the determination to put in the work. You’re only truly delusional if you want your dreams handed to you, but you’re a dreamer if you’re willing to take on the difficulties that come your way. Regardless of what you choose to do, be your authentic self as opposed to being your own worst enemy.
