The Journey Inward

Here is what you don’t hear a lot about traveling abroad.

There are going to be a lot of sucky times. Times that you feel lonely, depressed, feel like you want to cry and everything around you annoys you.

For all those that are instantly worried (family and friends) do not worry I am still mentally sane…at least I think I am.

Give me a few minutes to explain myself.

The first few weeks living in Shanghai alone was exhilarating. I loved waking up everyday and experiencing new things and soaking the whole city up like a sponge. I would smile when people stared too long, I didn’t mind the heat too much, and got used to having so many different aromas around me.

But after two weeks the magical love spell vanished and I found my self in an emotional state that I had not experienced before. I was lonely, anxious, and just tired on a daily basis. You’re probably in your head recommending that I should be sleeping more, or exercising, or trying to go out with people, or anything else you could think of. Ironically I did do all of those but it did not make me feel a inch better. All I just felt was mental discomfort and exhaustion and I did not know how to combat it.

One day it got so bad that I had to fight tears going to work and then even when I got there I could only stare at my screen. I felt nauseous and just simply decided to head back home to take care of myself.

Dont worry the story gets better kinda…

Anyone who knows me truly well knows that I am highly emotional. In the sense that whenever something is not right my body will signal it through my emotions.

That particular instance and this past two weeks in general have been one of the most introspective periods of my life in general. Being by myself has forced my insecurities and human flaws to be blatantly evident to me. Given that I don’t speak mandarin I do not have much interactions with too many people so, I am left to just deal with my own thoughts.

In these past two weeks I realized that first of all I do not enjoy my own company. Another way of putting it: I suck just being by myself. This became evident when I would get so down right after I had just spend so much time talking or enjoying the company of others. Although I have not completely figured this out, I am understanding that just because I am physically alone doesn’t mean that I am lonely. It is so important to find satisfaction and peace from just being by myself and sometimes even doing nothing completely.

All through my life I have always occupied myself with events, school, applications, projects and so on. So by always doing something I did not have to deal with my inner self. As a person, I always strived to achieve more either by starting a project or getting into one thing or the other. Despite working my butt off to get my achievements, I sometimes felt somewhat removed from it all. I barely celebrated any of my personal or professional wins and I was always moved on to the next project. And to top it off I never felt like I was doing enough compared to everyone else arounds me. I was so fascinated about others’ stories that I wanted to be like them yet I was so critical about who I was as a person. This is another aspect that Shanghai as made evident to me…I do not love myself enough.

It sounds so simple and cliche but this single realization has made my shoulder a little lighter. And my brain less foggier. It is incredibly amazing and/or dangerous the power that the little voice in my head has on me. The voice that is quick to motivate me, judge me, berate me, compare you, to the point that I just want to shrink into myself. The voice that is harsh but can never put the same pressure on anyone else. I have come to accept that I let that voice be hyper critical of my decisions, thoughts, actions and every path of my life. It has just gotten draining to always second guess myself and I know I need to make this voice more compassionate. (Disclaimer the voice is figuratively the first level of conscious, I am not literally hearing voices).

So here are just a few things I am trying to do better improve in this areas

• Trying to mind my own business and be genuinely happy for others success
• Going back to meditating daily (this will be challenging no promises)
• Being hyper -conscious about when I have negative self-talk and actively choosing to be compassionate
• To accept life and myself the way it is without constantly questioning each decision made throughout the day
• Taking the time to be grateful and appreciative of who and where I am currently am in life
• Having quality me time. Which can be as simple as leaving my phone at home and just wandering the streets nearby where I live. I did this once and it had such an amazing effect. I ended up having the most amazing Thai food ever and sat with an elderly Japanese lady. Although we could not understand each other we communicated using very broken English and mandarin.

I am still working on how all this can be as actionable as possible but it is all part of my journey. I have not figured it out all yet but I am going to try because I simple don’t want to continue living in mental and emotional discomfort.

Funny enough I did not expect that it would be my emotional quotient that would be the most challenged in China. But I am happy and grateful that I am able to dive into myself and grow from this.

If you made it to the end, thanks for sticking through. I hope I didn’t scare you from traveling alone! And for those who might have done so in the past, would love to hear your experience!

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Background: Along with 14 other students from around the world, I am currently interning in Asia as part of the Cansbridge Fellowship. The program selects and funds entrepreneurial students from across Canadian Universities yearly to live and work in an Asian country. As a student from the University of Saskatchewan, I am interning in Shanghai. I will be documenting my time in China and my previous Video journal can be found here.