Liam Goes Home

I’m writing from my hospital bed tonight. I can’t really say it’s been a series of unexpected turns over the past few days that have put us here because we’ve known that anything was possible through most of this pregnancy.

Last Wednesday at our appointment with our specialist, we were told that Liam was very sick. The doctor warned that we could probably only expect him to have hours or days left. He told us that if we wanted to see Liam alive, then we needed to schedule an emergency c-section as early as the next day. In the car on the way home, Blake and I quickly agreed that we needed to schedule an emergency c-section so we could see Liam. As we continued our drive and arrived home, my thought process completely shifted just about as quickly as the decision to have a c-section had come.

One of my prayers through this journey has been for God to take the decisions away from us. I didn’t want us to have to decide whether or not Liam should have heart surgery or what we wanted the “extent of resuscitation” to look like or whether I was having a c-section or a natural birth. I wanted God to make those decisions for us. As we began to think through our options, I wondered if God was trying to take all of those decisions away from us. We considered what it would be like if we opted to take Liam out via c-section at just over 34 weeks and what that might mean for Liam’s life. We weren’t sure if seeing Liam was really best for him even though we knew we would’ve loved to meet our son alive. It’s so tough in these situations because science and technology have allowed us to know so much and to act on that knowledge so quickly.

Over the next few days, Blake and I discussed each option and still weren’t sure what to do. We wanted to meet Liam alive, but was that selfish of us? We decided to take the weekend to continue to think on it and maybe at our next appointment on Monday, we would have some clarity as to how to move forward.

We went to our appointment Monday afternoon, and the doctor asked if I had been feeling Liam move. I told her I had not felt him since Friday. She brought out the ultrasound machine, and for the first time in 29 weeks, there was no movement on the sonogram. No heartbeat.

Liam was gone.

For 5 months, we’ve considered the plethora of scenarios that can be associated with a Trisomy 18 baby. We’ve spent time learning about Trisomy 18 and following other families on social media who are going through the same journey. We did what we could to prepare mentally, emotionally and spiritually for what we might face. But after seeing that still sonogram, in that moment, all of the unknown was known. Our racing minds suddenly stopped. It was all over.

My heart was and still is in a million pieces.

God really did take every one of our decisions from this point forward out of our hands.

As of tonight, we have started the process of being induced and expect to deliver Liam’s body sometime tomorrow. My mind cannot fathom what it will be like to see his body, but I know his spirit is in heaven with our Lord.

Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers as parts of this long journey are coming to an end.