The Delivery & Saying Goodbye

We got to the hospital at 3pm on Tuesday afternoon. It wasn’t until 12:45am on Friday morning that Liam’s body came. I’ll never forget what his body looked like at first glance. We had the nurses take him back and clean him up before giving him to us, and for us, that was the right decision given the circumstances. His body was in very sad shape. He was bluish in color, and all of the skin on his head and a piece on his face had come off during labor (because he had passed around 6 days earlier). The skin on his limbs was loosely attached. He was very limp. I remember his tiny arms dangling down by his sides when they first held him up after cutting the umbilical chord.

My mom was in the room during the delivery taking a couple photos, and I’m glad she was because some of the most difficult photos to look at have offered the most closure to Blake and me.

As soon as the nurses and doctors disappeared, and Blake and I were alone after the delivery, we both looked at each other and knew, without question, that Liam was never meant to live on this earth in that body.

Flashback to Sunday night (a week ago today): Blake described a moment on his drive home from a meeting in Chattanooga a few days earlier. He said he felt like God told him that Liam was not meant for this world. I remember digging deeper and asking Blake more questions about that (because this was before we had confirmation that Liam had passed and were still considering the option of an emergency c-section). He said the meaning of what he felt wasn’t fully clear to him.

Now we know exactly why he had that feeling and what it meant. It took only a second of seeing Liam’s earthly body to understand.

After the nurses dressed Liam, they brought Him back out in a blanket and sweet little hat. At first, Liam’s face was tough for me to look at. I wasn’t prepared to see him in the condition he was in. It was also hard holding him because he was so limp and fragile feeling. His skin was soft and a little warm still. It was unlike anything I had ever seen or experienced. We didn’t keep his body around long before letting the nurses take it back out at around 3am.

A few hours later, one of our closest friends came to take some photos for us, so the nurses brought Liam’s body back to our room. This time, seeing him was different. I think some of the initial shock was gone, and we were emotionally ready to embrace our time with him. Earlier that morning, we had decided not to unwrap the blanket that was covering him since his skin and body were so fragile, but Blake changed his mind when he saw him the second time. When we unwrapped the blanket and saw Liam’s tiny little body and limbs, it made him seem so much more human and so much more like our son. His appearance had changed slightly, and he was more reddish in color. It was kind of crazy, but his feet were the one thing on his body that was the skin color we are used to seeing. And they were absolutely perfect. We couldn’t help but imagine what his body might have looked like if the rest of it had matched his perfect little feet.

After we finished taking a few photos, Blake and I had some time alone with Liam before leaving the hospital. It was the first time since we got to the hospital that I really cried. It was time to say goodbye, and I wept over his sweet little body. I couldn’t believe this part of the journey was coming to an end — I didn’t want to believe it. I was so torn. I wanted to get out of the hospital, but I wasn’t ready to move on with my life. I felt so safe at the hospital and as long as we were there, it meant I didn’t have to accept that this part of the journey was over. I was scared to leave, and I was scared to face the world with a piece of my heart missing.

I gave Liam a kiss on his cold little nose, and then our sweet nurse wheeled his body away for the last time.

I cannot fail to mention that during our three night stay at Piedmont Hospital, the nurses (6), doctors (5) and Chaplin assigned to us were hand-picked by God to care for our family. I believe that with all my heart. Each one was perfectly cast for the role that they played in our story. I will never forget a single one of them, and I could never thank them enough for all that they did for us during the most difficult few days of our lives.

Blake and I returned home on Friday afternoon. We are resting, grieving and healing. We are reflecting on all that God has done through Liam’s short life. We are grateful that Liam will forever be a part of our story and that God gave us the opportunity to carry Liam though this part of His story.

Our lives and our hearts will never be the same.