You Can’t Control Grown Folks — Part One
Being a mental health professional means you have a responsibility to help people. You are obligated to help people, but you can’t help anyone that doesn’t want your help. My sister says, “You can’t control grown folks.” At some point, they have to decide to accept your help. If not you start to waste your time or put yourself in danger. I hate it when she is right. Let me back up… I can’t leave my sister alone with any of my friends. My sister is a psychologist, a very good psychologist. Calm, supportive, and approachable, she makes people feel comfortable. They become so comfortable they tell her about their biggest traumas, tragedies, and problems. This is why I can’t leave my sister alone with any of my friends.
There are two different occasions in my life where I left my sister alone with a friend as I answered a phone call or went to the bathroom only to come back to see my friend crying and my sister consoling them.
It seems that during the time I was away my friend(s) have confessed some great secret or problem feeling comfortable enough with my sister to do so. Afterward, my friend(s) would become embarrassed and would never talk to me again. This has happened twice.
Cold, Connecticut Winter Facing your biggest internal demon is hard. Sharing it with someone means making yourself vulnerable. This is a scary thing. Recently, I had a friend, rather we used to be friends, complain that I was harassing her. I would talk to her. I would challenge her. Asking questions about her behavior, such as, why she wasn’t taking her medication, why she was smoking pot… “Why did you sit in your driveway for over an hour afraid to go into your own house?” She didn’t want to answer those questions and didn’t want me to tell anyone either. My friend, a single mother, began to fear I would tell someone about her mental illness, or worse, call children services. I went from a friend to a threat almost overnight. For weeks prior, I sought advice from many sources. “What if your friend starts to smoke pot? What’s my responsibility?” “What do you do if your friend with a mental illness disappears for two days? Not coming to work or answering her phone?”
Lawyers, psychologists, interns, clerks, and other friends all told me the same thing… walk away. That’s code for, “You can’t control grown folks.” I didn’t heed their advice because who wants to be that person. That person that would give up on a friend. In my job, I see parents, wives, girlfriends, and children give up on their loved ones all the time. It’s rare that a Veteran with PTSD or a substance abuse problem has any support base by the time they reach our program (Veterans Court). I didn’t want to be one of “those people”. Plus, she was a friend. But now months later I don’t have a choice and my ex-friend still has a problem. One that she is trying to hide and the people around her pretend not to see. I’m the bad guy. I’m a troublemaker. Doing my job sometimes means… The people I want to help become scared I will reveal their secrets. The role I take on makes me a target. All the tools in my toolbox… the desire to talk it out, discuss, or negotiate are the very things that could be used against me. Some people confide in you only to regret it later. I had no idea this included friendships. “You can’t control grown folks.” Why? Because they are grown. No matter your intentions no one can actually control anyone else’s decisions. Everyone has free will, so now, I sit by and watch the trainwreck unfold.
I have walked away with a dilemma and a lesson. The lesson? Know when to walk away. The dilemma? Should I try at all?
**After posting this I thought of something I wanted to add: I’m hurt. I feel Betrayed. I don’t know what to do about it. So the result is that I do nothing.**
Originally published at cantrece.com.
