Humiliating Your Dog With Costumes, Cappuccini Halloween Edition #1

Complete with color photo gallery of embarrassed pooches!

#Goals: A look that says HOW COULD YOU?

We here at Cappuccini are of the opinion that all smush-faced creetchurs must be humiliated with costumes, especially at Halloween.

Pugs, Frenchies, even a half-smushie like a Boston Terrier or a Boxer can be made yet more ridiculous by the judicious application of imagination, inspiration, and a little elbow grease.

A creetchur mustn’t be allowed to loaf around expecting belly rubs. A creetchur has to earn its keep. What better way to say, “Amuse me, Clown” to your pudgy freeloader than a tight, itchy, degrading costume?

We mustn’t let a genetic nightmare like a pug or a Frenchie suffer any delusions of grandeur. In the family of Canis lupus familiaris, smushies are at the very bottom, one rung above amoebae and three rungs below the common house fly. They provide neither wool nor meat. They can’t hunt or pull a plow. But they do produce copious amounts of environment-destroying methane gas.

You also can’t milk a Frenchie. I’ve tried.

How to get a smushie to do anything

People often ask us here at Cappuccini: how did smushies happen?

The answer is simple. Smushies were once useful, noble canines with fully formed snouts. Then they started running after parked cars. Have you ever tried to squash a Cheeto against a wall? That’s what happened to smushies. The nose cone collapsed on impact, buckling like an accordion. Throw in a few sad little whiskers, and oh, look, a Frenchie.

An actual head X-ray of Phylum: Chordata. Or, in other words, that most pointless of genetic mutations, a pug.

Even your laziest, least self-respecting smushie might balk at being squeezed into a Halloween costume. If scolding doesn’t work, you must then appeal to its insatiable appetite for Snausages. Negotiate accordingly, maybe one Snausage per clothing item, two for a cringeworthy hat. If there are spider legs, a large fry, or a shark fin involved, then you’re into wet food.

(The funniest thing you’re going to see anywhere^^^don’t watch if you have to pee!)

This isn’t a good doggo like a Golden Retriever or a Labrador that you’re outfitting in a jaunty scarf and a Frisbee. The whole point is to remind your smushie that its sole purpose on earth is to make you laugh. If you don’t elicit at least one forlorn look of reproach, you aren’t trying hard enough.

Ask yourself: what kind of costume would I design for a potato that drools?

To inspire you with daring, creativity — to say nothing of the adorable expressions of mute pleading — Cappuccini offers the following foto gallery of smushies in colorful regalia.

Enjoy!

Scarlett O’Hara’s green parlor drapes never looked so good! Cappuccini sez: 10/10

Dumb, adorable, zero self-respect. Points deducted for lack of degrading booties. Cappuccini sez: 9/10

Embarrassing hat, extra scowl. Cappuccini sez: Howdy, pahdnah! 10/10

Original, daring, and extra points for injured, bewildered expression. Cappuccini sez: 10/10

One word: stricken. Bonus obnoxious bowtie plus dumb ears equals a Cappuccini 9/10, one point deducted for lack of a pink satin suit.

Cappuccini demands to know how an image of the editor was added to the photo carousel. 9/10, point deducted for lack of cigarette.

Gay Sailor Frenchie. Cappuccini sez: 10/10. He is so over your nonsense.

Pug with Princess Leia Cinnabon side-knobs and a tragedy mask. Cappuccini sez: 10/10!

“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.” Batman Frenchie pops a squat, kicks out a lodger, and lets Alfred carry it, all warm and squishy, back to the Batcave. Cappuccini sez: 10/10!

Are you inspired now? After all that work, Cappuccini expects GREAT THINGS from you, and respectfully asks that this Halloween, tag all Instagram fotos of humiliated pups to @staceyeskelinnovelist. Extra points for: side-eye, tongue, a proudly display poo-hole, smushie-as-food-item, or the name Pedro.

Get cracking!